yea so I sorta failed at that "start writing every day" thing. but maybe I'll try to blog at least once a week. I mean, when I'm bored and I'm on my computer and I'm procrastinating from my homework, what better way than to journal it all out.
I don't really talk about my feelings enough. I used to talk about them all the time. but my one best friend now is super distant, the other really good friend I had apparently thought I was overbearing and ended our friendship rather abruptly. So those two friends, plus my current boyfriend (and sometimes my roommates) are the only people I really talk about my true feelings to.
I complain. I talk about what annoys me and angers me. but I don't talk about the heavy stuff. like, oh my mom dying of cancer sometime within the next year. My uncle who just died very suddenly. My 25 year old brother who still hasn't moved out the house. the fact that my dad picked smoking back up because my mom was diagnosed with cancer. like seriously? your wife is dying of cancer and your solution is to turn to cigarettes.
I want to puke. both emotionally and literally. I ate some weird fried rice and it was so gross and my stomach hurts a lot. I should take an ibuprofen. maybe it'll hurt less.
I took some. hopefully by the end of this post, I'll be feeling somewhat better. :( bluh.
I went to this open mic thing today with my roommates. I wasn't really in the mood for it, but I had never been and its my sophomore year so I thought I'd give it go. It was eh. kinda boring actually. and the fact that its at 12am really doesn't thrill me. I probably won't go again.
This one girl read a poem about this girl who went to camp where she worked. and how she was so sweet. but that her father had murdered her mother. and her father was in prison. she had been living with her grandmother. and the girl reading this poem, said she went to the bathroom to cry, and the little girl said, "you remind me of my mom". It made me want to cry. of course, with the current situation with my mother, anything like this especially about moms, makes me sad.
(side note, at the improv troupe audition/callbacks, there were two references to cancer. and I felt super awkward and sad. like seriously? you don't talk about that. especially not here)
There was also a guy there who I've recently met who performed. When we first met, he actually sorta hit on me. He sat down at my table at dinner time and struck up a conversation. It was actually quite refreshing. However charming he was, I have a boyfriend. but this guy makes me smile. He was at improv callbacks. we did scenes together. He's in my chem class. He's funny. and seemingly sweet. and I feel bad saying these things since I've been dating my boyfriend for 27 months now. Over two years. and yet. I feel more and more sure that he's not actually the one for me. He's sweet and loving and kind but I think I've just been kidding myself this whole time. I didn't have friends, but I had him. We get along, we joke, we're playful. Within the first two months of us dating, my mom was diagnosed with cancer (for the first time, back in 2011) and my family is really dysfunctional. and he was an escape. a way to get out of the house, away from my crazy parents and siblings and into a neutral house.
big note, we're currently long distance. He goes to school in Atlanta. and I'm, here. and that is several states away. and it sucks. it really really sucks. and I don't know if its easier to analyze my relationship with him when we're farther away, since all I can rely on are how we communicate (text, phone call, skype) or if being apart is unreliable because I miss him and there are guys on campus who are available and close to me vs my boyfriend who is really far away from which is super inconvenient when you're crying and sad and you need a hug. So for all I know, I am being completely crazy even considering this other guy as an option. but right now, I don't feel connected to my boyfriend. He says i miss you. and I say i miss you too. and I can't tell if i miss him, or just having a boyfriend. having someone to talk to all the time. getting kissed when you're feeling awful about everything. so is my boyfriend actually the man I want to marry? I don't know anymore. not like we'd be married anytime soon. but still. I don't see him with kids. I don't see him at the end of the aisle, and he's struggling with his weight right now. He has a sensitive stomach so he has trouble keeping weight on. and if his image changed, maybe my feelings would change. I know that sounds super superficial but that's how I feel at the moment.
(don't you hate when you start crying while writing your blog post and your roommates comes back from her shower and you feel like you have to suck it up, keep it together, stay composed. yea well that sucks a lot)
BLUGHAOJLKEJFLAJDFLJ. :( I feel guilty for being attracted to this other guy, who for all I know thinks that I am just another person. the grass isn't always greener. but I also don't want to stay in this relationship if I'm not getting all that I need. I want to be able to sit and talk for hours about nothing. about potatoes or hopscotch and one conversation melts into another into another and then you look at the time, "holy crap is 11pm". I want a guy who'd make romantic gestures. Who believes in chivalry, even if only a little bit. someone who's strong physically and mentally. determined, organized. witty, intelligent. things like that. and sometimes I don't think my boyfriend is like that, nor could he be. but the distance does tend to blur my feelings about him, so I can't really act on anything.
every time I think about, "am I really happy in this relationship, or pretending I am?" and every time I become unsure of this relationship, which is a lot, I think of that scene from 500 days of summer. when Tom finds out Summer is engaged, he asks her why not him, why couldn't they work out. and she said something like "every morning I wake up knowing for sure that I'm supposed to be with my husband, and with you, everyday I'd wonder if this was the right decision"
am i oppressing myself? am I forcing myself to stay in this relationship simply because I want it to work. because I wanted to prove myself that I wasn't a serial dater. and they do say you're supposed to fall in love like 7 times before you get married or whatever, and your first love usually isn't the one. and he's probably not. and i'll be sad to lose him if I decide to. ;/ we'll just have to wait and see I guess. but my constant uncertainty isn't a good sign.
also, I feel like I don't even need to be at school. I don't feel like I am a part of this department. I don't feel very welcomed nor do I really invite myself in. I'm an introvert in an extroverted field and that scares me. I feel like I so easily fall to the back. and there's where I want to be, because I don't want to have to fight for the attention, yell over everyone, work with people I find hypocritical and selfish and arrogant. I don't want to work with the people who write poems about why women are expected to be pretty yet arrives very well dressed for the occasion. As a director, I would have the power, which I like. but do I want to go through years of script analysis for something I'm only mildly interested in? I'd rather own a bridal salon. or be a wedding planner. or be a film critic. (which you need a journalism degree for which is super dumb) or just be a mom.
I like to write. and I like being creative.
I want to write books for people who don't read. and draw awful sketches.
I want to make my blog into a book for teens who are looking for answers, and knowing that someone else out there is also struggling, is answer enough.
I want to sing. I want people to hear my voice and think its beautiful. and tell me I should sing for all to hear because they love it so much.
There are so many things I want to do, and while I really love the idea of theatre, I've done it for years and years now, I don't think I really fit in here either. maybe i'll finish off the semester, and not take theatre courses next semester. (if i'm even here next semester, again. another thing that is constantly hanging over me) maybe i'll finish off my gen eds and i'll continue to minor in cinema, and i'll major in business? or creative writing. or fashion. or something. I have no clue. and that is a really scary feeling. maybe I'll take an italian class and learn italian and move to italy. who knows what will happen with my life. where life will take me, but its really fucking scary. and I want to cry a lot.
