I got cranky

I got cranky.
I was tired. didn't get enough sleep.
and it doesn't help that it is that time of the month
and that I was forced into a room with 60 loud and proud theatre kids who all know each other sine birth and i have to pretend like i am comfortable enough with this kind of atmosphere, an atmosphere in which i feel almost voiceless, because its for my new job.
thankfully this was an all employee day, so i won't be working with the majority of these people on a daily basis. but still. being an introvert is hard. i get anxious and overwhelmed. in large groups of people with big personalities i immediately take a back seat. i shine in smaller groups.
so it's not surprising that I wanted to cry when i got in the car, came home, scratched my mom's car, even better, and then ate a bunch of chocolate.
three ghiradelli squares, a chocolate egg and 3 whoppers.
and later a bowl of sugary cereal.
and then half a bowl of popcorn.

i don't want to give up on this diet. I don't. but i'm getting upset that I haven't been exercising enough, and my mom isn't home yet, and I won't get to talk to her about getting our treadmill until tuesday really and I only have like 20 days left. and i just bought a shirt with a puckering button because i knew i could do this. and we don't have enough healthy food in the house. and neither does my boyfriend's house. and he's always busy with work or his friends. or when he's not busy he's tired from whatever. so he comes over and the first thing he does is basically nap on my couch while watching tv. i'm sorry. but if you have to get up at 6am for work, try going to bed earlier than 12. i won't have you sleeping on my time.

and so i was having a rough evening and tried to call, but of course he doesn't answer, and he doesn't call back because he never does. He sees I called, assumes its not important, or doesn't see his phone until he leaves. at most he'll text me saying he's about to go to bed. like thanks for not talking to me all day and then saying goodbye. jerkface. sigh. its not all his fault either. i just wanted some reassurance.

ugh. okay. i was supposed to go to bed like 90 minutes ago. and i'm already running on steam. and i have to wake up in like 7 hours. yeah. bye.

a letter to my body

dear boobs, 

please react to the amount of water I've been drinking, the smaller portion sizes, and the increased level of exercise that I have been trying to keep up every day. I am aiming to lose 5 lbs in the next 3 weeks. And hopefully, if I do, the first place I will lose the weight is in my chest (which is usually what happens). I have just bought a fabulous dress for my boyfriend's sister's wedding at the end of this month. However, it fits pretty snug in the boobs, kinda squishing them down. I'd really like to be able to fit better in this dress. as well as a few other button-up shirts I have that pucker and create gaps because my boobs are simply too big to fit in the shirts. 

I really just need to stay motivated, watch what i'm putting in my body, continue drinking water, and get my body moving and heart pumping on a daily basis. I'm most worried about burning off enough calories a day as well as what i'm eating. I've been trying to eat healthier but a lot of times there isn't a healthy option. My house, as well as boyfriend's house, doesn't really stock up on a lot of fruits and vegetables, making it hard for me not to eat the fried foods and cookies. 

I also wish my boyfriend was more supportive of my need to lose weight. He understands and supports it, but its hard to watch him eat cookies and haul out the giant bag of hershey's candy bars when i'm eating a salad. I really have to start cutting back. 

so please body, do what you can with what i'm giving you, i'll try harder tomorrow. 

love,

julia

number on the scale

so, as you know, a while ago i had a fitness goal to bikini ready by the time I made it to hawaii. unfortunately that didn't happen. school and homework and other things got in the way.

A few days ago I stepped on the scale and reached a number I've never been before. 150. now that isn't overweight, its in the healthy zone. for some people, 150 is a great number- assuming those pounds are muscle instead of fat.
I of course, am made of fat. so i've become motivated once again.
I want to be able to get back to 130. I want to be able to not spill out bras that weren't bought too long ago. I want to be able to wear more dresses and tops and not worry about the buttons puckering or gaping or my boobs making me look top heavy.
Thankfully the first two places that I gain weight are my stomach/midsection and my breasts.

This summer I'm working at a theatre camp for kids, ages 6-7, so I'm hoping that this does a lot of good for me. I'll be active 6 hours a day 5 days a week. playing with the kids, dancing with them, being on my feet, etc. Also, with my sister also having a job that is 5 days a week, I am going to have to bike to work which is a blessing in disguise. It's only about 4 miles to work. I took the bike trip today and it took me about 35 minutes.

So 35 minute bike ride (cardio), then 6 hours of work, then 35 minute bike ride home. AND my family will hopefully be getting some sort of exercise machine, an elliptical or  a treadmill or something. (my parents gave me a 3 month gym membership for my birthday to use during the summer, but this makes more sense) So I'm hoping that staying active and biking and not just sitting around all the time will help.

I'm going to my boyfriend's sister's wedding at the end of the month. which is 25 days from now. I'm hoping that having three weeks of work, and biking every day, and hopefully watching what I eat and how much, drinking plenty of water, and getting that treadmill for extra workouts on the weekends. so maybe with all of that, I'll be able to lose even just 5 lbs (in my chest) and i'll be able to fit into this great little dress that i just bought (but pushed my boobs down in an awkward way). It's a beautiful dress. and i want to be beautiful in it.

not that i'm doing this just for vanity's sake. i'm doing it to get healthy and also to save myself some money. If i keep gaining weight, i'll have to buy new clothes that i can fit into. If i lose some weight, I'll be able to continue wearing what i've got (not that i wouldn't mind a new wardrobe)

here's hoping. :)