24 days

sometimes i have to remind myself that you love me, because you sometimes suck at expressing yourself. or rather, you don't do it very often.

and especially now when you are so busy and I am so not busy and with nothing to fill my time. i get lonely and sad and wish i could talk to you about all the things i need to talk to you about.

and I'll text you with a problem but you'll be too busy to answer, and when you finally get back to me, you didn't notice or remember whatever i was upset about and you never ask if i'm okay or how it went.  and that in itself upsets me.

i'm only 24 days away from you now, which is so great. We're closer by the minutes. and yet I still never feel like you miss me like i miss you. and here we are back and the internal/external conflict.

i feel so lonely all the time because i don't feel that you miss me when we're so far away. you're so busy with homework and with your caravan of friends having a great time. and i'm sitting around doing nothing feeling miserable that i don't really have very many friends and that you, my number one priority, is so far away.

you're still my first priority. you've shifted yours. for you its friends, then school then me. and i get that they are important too, i know. but i feel pushed to the side. you're always too busy to call, or too busy to talk for more than 5 minutes. it feels like too busy to care sometimes. to show me that you care.

and maybe once you get back that all will change, you'll be away from your school and your friends and all you'll have is me and we can be together again. and you can be my world and i can be yours. because we both know, all i've ever had was you. but you have had so much more than me. </3

You drive me crazy

you never go out of your way to do something for me just because you wanted to. Yet i do that all the time, with letters, with phone calls and voicemail messages you never return. and all the things i plan on doing over winter break. you never plan anything. you never want to plan anything. and is it so horrible to want a surprise now and then. to want to know that you took time out of your day to plan out a meal or an outing or a something. and often when i bring this up, because we know this hasn't been the first time, you say "but i called you back" or "i gave you chocolates on valentines day" something lame that shouldn't count as a plus 2 on the boyfriend scale. something that is clearly stated in every relationship ever but you didn't get. and you're proud of yourself and i sit here wondering if he'll ever do anything without me asking him.
i asked for a gift for valentines day and i asked for chocolates. all you did was buy them. thats nothing.
4 weeks ago i sent him a box full of goodies and a 30 page long letter for his half birthday and our 16 month anniversary.
it was my half birthday yesterday. he said early on he'd send me something back in that box. He sent me a one page letter that was half-assed. a copy of what i had sent him in a text. and 2 sentences about his "busy week".

fuck that. i spent 2 weeks writing 30 pages. of what i was doing, what i was up to, how things were going, anything that ever crossed my mind was written down and sent to him. and i did it because 1. i dont have many friends so i have a lot of extra time on my hands 2. because thats what i would want him to do for me.

but i got 1 page in return. one.

and i have an audition tomorrow for the spring semester. when i had a panic attack and was stressing out, instead of him giving me a call, or even a heart-felt text he says "relax. it'll be fine". in general, that's not a bad thing to say. but i'm freaking out, and all i get it "relax". ugh

YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY