What I Think when I Can't Sleep

I hate this. I HATE this. I'm so exhausted and I can't sleep. My mind is just reeling over nothing. Things like:

•It's hot in here
•I'll use that flower tote bag in college as my go-to tote. But what if I need a drawstring bag?
•why didn't my sister go to Millikin?
•I didn't like Millikin
•why were those girls so dressed up?
•My sister should move into an apartment near Millikin and go to school
•I wonder if she still has that Millikin t shirt- I can trade it in for a free Redbird shirt
•what if I end up always wearing cute clothes on the days we paint for practicum
•how old is Michelle from Bunheads. She tried to pass for 25, she's probably early/mid 30's.
•that dance was so random but cool
•black haired girl who's name I can't remember- Sasha is impossible skinny. I wonder if she has an eating disorder.
•why aren't I falling asleep? These thoughts aren't important or pivotal.
•shut off brain. Just let it all go. Shut down, like the computer. If the thoughts are so important they'll come back again
• I don't want to pick up my cell phone to write all this down because staring at a screen keeps you from falling asleep- grabs phone anyway.
•why are my feet so itchy? I should get it checked out by a doctor. I can't stop scratching. Lotion doesn't help.
•chapped lips. Kissing in the winter time. Always needing lip balm.
•my feet hurt with scratched-up pain, my hands cramped
•how does a normal person deal with ear wax?
•still thinking about how much my feet hurt and how much I want them to stop hurting and atop being itchy
• i need to shave my legs but it's almost not worth it because all my shorts are in the laundry basket
•I NEED to see a chiropractor. Asap. Last time I went he was like "you probably have scoliosis" that was 2 years ago >.<
•I want to get a massage done. I'm so tense all the time.

Good bye Reliable TV Watching

I just realized something horrible. Well not horrible, but quite sad.

When I am in college, I won't be able to watch all my TV shows because I won't have DVR. I'll be able to watch some of them, but if i miss them to hang out with friends- what will I do?
I don't have netflix, and I have a hulu account but every time I've been on Hulu for the past few months it won't let me add or delete anything on my queue. I'd be lucky if it would even let me watch something.
and I KNOW, for a fact, that the seasons I am currently following will continue past when I get to college. Think about the shows I'll get behind on?! Royal Pains! Project Runway! So You Think You Can Dance! Bunheads!
and not to mentions all the shows that are starting up in the fall/near future: Once Upon a Time, Switched at Birth, 30 Rock, The Office, Glee, the Mindy Project, Raising Hope. How will I keep up?? and even if I did manage a way to keep up- How will I get any sleep?? I'll be spending all my time in classes and doing homework and eating and socializing and watching tv into the wee hours of the night- I will never get any sleep and then I'll get all cranky and annoying and yell at people and just EXPLODE.

That probably won't happen. but still. I need my shows.

Shear Madness. Get it? like Shears? like hair cut? oh forget it...

I got my hair cut today. I took like 4 inches off. My hair was SO long and heavy and hard to deal with. and it's always been like that. I've had the burden of thick hair. (but i love it anyway) and today I said, enough is enough, let's make this hair healthy and manageable again. I wish i had done it back in june, so i wouldnt have had to live through these hot summer days with all that heavy hair.
it was pretty. i liked it long. I hope it doesn't take too long to get back to that length. I'd like it to be that long around christmas time. then again, hair grows slowly, especially my hair. and humans grow a half inch of hair every month on average. aren't there pills to make hair grow? there's a certain vitamin that makes hair shiny and grow fast. I had a friend who's mom was obsessed with long hair and make her take hair pills. Her hair grew all the way down to her butt! but she donated it once she got it cut. so that's good :) but knowing me, I probably won't be taking the hair pills. so it will be 8 months until it's back where it was. 

shoot.

don't get my wrong. I love my new haircut. It's short and breezy. the angles are a little weird but I can live with them. I'm surprised a good as good of a hair cut, I went to Great Clips! Usually my good haircuts I get from the Lift Salon and I pay $60 for them to make me look good. I paid $14 and my hair is just as good, if not better.

any haircut takes a while to get used to. once i take a shower and it becomes "my hair" again I think it'll be okay. and even if it's not, it will indeed grow back, even if it takes a while.

Waiter Water Watch

What is it with waiters and always filling up your water glass? Like I understand they're trying to be nice and give good service and whatever, but its so annoying. How will I know how many glasses of water I drank? and this number is rather important because it will affect my number of trips to the bathroom later.

I am not a person who drinks. I don't mean alcohol (though I don't drink that either), I mean in general. I don't drink anything. water soda, juice, etc. not that I never drink, I just mean you'd more likely see me eating than drinking. I often eat when I'm thirsty. It's not so good >.<  I know several people who are of the philosophy that if you're eating something, you need a drink to go with it- which is really not my style in general, though it is a habit I should probably be trying to absorb into my life. I'm worried I'll be too dehydrated and die or something.

I've been better about drinking water. I carry a water bottle in my purse, and my boyfriend is one of those "always needs a drink" people, so that helped with my dehydration issues. but why is it that when I'm a restaurant I always go overboard with the water? Maybe because I'm so anxiously waiting the food, I get bored and occupy myself with a sip of water? also because I'm always dehydrated so my body will want the water no matter what- and its convenient placement in front of me combined with the patient waiting of my food is what causes me to drink.

What befuddles me though, is that once I have begun my intensive intake of fluid for the course of the meal, I will have to pee every ten minutes for the next 3 hours. okay that's a hyperbole, but still- very frequent. It's like my bladder never sees any fluid so when I go to a restaurant, it gets excited and revs up the processing speed. I mean it's good, because I'm getting hydrated and I'm flushing out toxins and stuff but still- annoying.

Can you be over-hydrated? Can you drink too much water? I bet you can. I probably have during my restaurant drinking sprees. You have so much water in you that you basically just pee water.

I feel like i've reached a blogging low because i'm talking about peeing and drinking water. this was probably a really boring or disturbing post. I'm sorry if i scared you away. I'm doubly sorry if you stopped reading this post before you got to this paragraph because of how uncomfortable this made you. ugh. I feel so lame.

Paid to Blog? Hmm..

So I just had the sort of dream- like fantasy of, what if I could get paid to blog? There are tons of paid bloggers out there. but then things like this started to hit me:

a) If someone asked me what my occupation was, I would say blogger. I don't know why, but it just feels like a super lame answer. maybe if I published my blogs into a book I could at least say I'm an author or a writer- blogger just makes me sound like a dork.
b) I probably wouldn't make very much money, not that I'm all about the money. I was once willing to be a starving artist [actor], I can be a starving writer too. Living on Ramen is totally fine with me. [yum] It would be nice to be making something substantial though. but what do i know? I'm the person who would DIE if i had to work in a cubicle, so maybe this is even better!
c) all I can think of when I think of a blogger is Julia Robert's d-bag husband in Larry Crowne (which was really not a good movie, but I like Tom Hanks and I commend him for trying). He was played by the dad from Malcom in the Middle. I'll never be able to remember that actor's name.

So maybe I don't want to be a professional blogger.
but my blog isn't very successful yet, so what's the worry? and if i did, why not? I seem to be catching on to this whole blogging thing.


p.s. The tv show "The Middle" is really just copying "Malcolm in the Middle", and Malcolm in the Middle was WAY better. I'm sorry, but I will not tolerate blatant copy cats. Like Total Recall which was an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie in the early 90's.

Blog agenda: wah, tab, stamp, length

Okay a few things on the blogging agenda today

1. I got my very first compliment today! and no, not like in my entire life. that would be sad. like, "my parents locked me in a room and i was once a feral child, i have since recovered and today someone told me they liked my shoes". not like that. though that would be an interesting story. I think Oprah did an episode on feral children, very interesting. okay back to my original point- someone, other than the people who i have been asking or reminding to read my blog, told me how much they liked it and how they thought I was a good writer. and of course inside my brain I'm think "They like me! they really like me!" while wearing some sparkly gold Oscars dress and brushing back a tear. On the outside, I'm more contained with more self control sporting the sophisticated "WAH!!!!! EEEEEP!!! THIS IS SO COOL!" and of course. It's only one person, but still. for a blog that I thought was getting no readers, it feels like a big accomplishment. So thank you!

2.I have become tab-addicted. I'm the person who will always have at least 12 tabs open at a time. and then I yell at the computer for being slow and dumb, when it's my own fault for overloading it with unnecessarily open tabs. But this addiction to the amount of tabs has to do with three things a) my lack of knowledge about bookmarks until recently b) my recently gained knowledge of the hibernate feature of my laptop c)I can be kind of a hoarder sometimes. I can become very attached to my tabs. and because of this, i never turn off my computer. almost never. i'll put it on hibernate which is like a computer nap, but it'll save everything as it is until I need to use it again. of course, this is not very good for the computer. Like, if my computer was a person- like a Script in the olden days and I would talk and they would furiously scribble down what i was saying. if my computer was a script, then i would be a slave driver, as simple as that. I am so cruel to this computer that is so good to me in every way possible. except the mouse is dumb and sometimes won't let me click things, or that it's kinda bulky and heavy and will be annoying in college when i'm lugging it around, that's it's too fancy for stickers, but ugly enough to need something so now is in this awkward ugly semi-naked stage- like some mid-twenties nudity phase. or 2 year old nudity phase. your choice. the later is more adorable, and acceptable in modern society. needless to say, i won't come to a solution when it comes this tabs issue, unless i save all the links every night, and even that would be too exhausting for my little peanut brain to handle.

3. I think letter-writing needs to get back into style. It was so classic and timeless. Well, it is timeless. and everyone loves to get mail! It gives you that "I'm special" feeling. Unless It's bills or coupons for places you don't shop or magazines you didn't subscribe to. but mail, real letters from people you know, are the absolute best. knowing that someone took the time to sit down with a pen and paper to write you a letter makes them all the more worth saving as a form of communication and an art form. plus stamps are cute. I have pixar stamps i've been meaning use. anyone want to be my pen pal while i'm in college?

4. I'm getting the feeling that my posts are too long. What can I say? I have a lot of thoughts and ideas and they are just being poured on eco-friendly virtual paper (unless you count the electricity my laptop is using. Darn! >.<  ) but I feel like the sheer length of my posts scare people away from reading them. does the list help? I like writing in lists. would it help if i used less run-on sentences and actually broke things up into paragraphs? I'd love to know. please comment, you few but faithful readers. :)

Jo March

Little Women. I love this movie. Winona Ryder. Susan Sarandon. You cannot go wrong. I love this movie. I have seen it many a time and it never gets old. It's classic. and for very good reason. The original book, written by Louisa May Alcott is still in printing after 144 years! at least I'm pretty sure it still is. I saw it in a bookstore not too long ago. (but that doesn't necessarily mean its been in printing this whole time).
I would really like to read the book. I read half of the abridged version once, which is totally not the same. It's one of those classics that I feel really needs to be read. Like all those Jane Austen books. I know that I need to read Pride and Prejudice. and Sense and Sensibility. but I never have. partly because I am lazy. partly because I do not read for leisure, at least, not very often. I should do it more often. All I do is sit on the computer or watch T.V. or play games on my iPhone. Less screen time would do me some good.
But if i'm using that screen time for writing like I am now, in a more constructive matter, than I don't think it's so bad, right?
but as of right now I am merely dumping out the thoughts in my head onto the blank white canvas that is this blog. There be no rhyme or reason. I wish i could write. Like really write. Write something that could get published. but the problem is i haven't been writing, I've been blogging. I've been thought-dumping, I've been mind clearing. which i need. I don't talk to many people. I don't have many close friends. This is my place to go to express myself. at least for the time being.
okay i need to write. like actually write. the best thing to write about is what you know. and i've been through a lot of hardship. but how to write that into a novel....oh god Beth March just died. I hate this part.
I've been through a separation. and getting back together. for four years I've woken up everyday to my sister being sick even though she should be in college. She should have finished college by now actually. My dad had a seizure that sent him to the hospital. My mom was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I've had a lot to go through. and I've held onto all of it. maybe because it gives me something to be sad about. maybe because I've never dealt with things like this before in my life so I don't know how to let go of all the pain and all the sadness. but i think the truth is, it never goes away. It will always be part of my journey. and i will always carry it with me. but as time goes on, it gets smaller and smaller. My parents separating is a mere pebble now. but my sister having P.O.T.S. and my mom having cancer are still huge cinder blocks i'm dragging behind me.

I will write it. I'll write it to get it off my back. I'll write to externalize it. and maybe i'll have it published. and if not published, than at least printed and bound. i'll put it on a bookshelf and leave it behind me. or give it to someone I love, who will be able to carry the burden for me, with me.

Becoming a Writer

The more I blog, the more I realize that I really like to write. I've always loved editing. Editing my own work, editing other peoples. The red pen and I were always close friends. I would rip essays apart and they would becoming sparkling on the other end of the tunnel- or least a lot better than they started out. I applied this love of editing into a love of stage directing. I will watch a scene and analyze what is wrong with it and makes notes. I have always been like this, since sophomore year when I first took acting 1. I was the kid that always had an entire page full of notes. Currently I'm majoring in Theatre Studies with a concentration in Directing. However, now I am curious if that will change to an English major with a concentration in publishing, or maybe I'll double major? Anything is possible.
Okay, back on track. I'm talking about writing. My love of writing came from editing and acting. I loved being able to write my own pieces for acting class. I loved being able to write about my life and my experiences and share them with everyone. Over these last few years of high school I have come to realize that I only really love to write if I can write about something I care deeply about. Is it completely selfish to say myself or my life? Let's face it, I've gone through a lot of hardships in my life and I have never really gotten over them so writing is an outlet. But I like writing about my feelings, even if over and over and over again. I also like writing in things I'm interested in (no duh). I took a Film Genres Class last semester that I absolutely loved, it counted as our English credit, and I loved writing the write-ups about the movies we watched. Even if I didn't like the movie or didn't connect with it as well as others, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Writing about Alien or Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid or Brick or The Day the Earth Stood Still and many others. Even if I knew that I was b.s.ing my way through a writing assignment, doing the period before class, I still enjoyed it. It's the forced writing that I never liked. Research papers, science projects, papers on books I didn't like,etc.
The funny part is, I don't read that often. I wouldn't call myself a 'reader'. Maybe this is because I am very picky about my type of book. I need to be caught in the first page of a book for me to even consider reading it. Some people would say I'm not giving it chance, I say, if the book isn't going to grab my attention, I shouldn't give it my attention either. I also wonder if my picking reading makes for a good editor or publisher.  But I feel like I would only publish a certain type of book, and if I was a part of a big publishing house, it would be hard for me to choose certain types of books. I would get stuck reading long books about the history of whoever and I would hate it. So maybe I don't want to publish. You probably have to love to read to be a publisher. So maybe I'll become a writer. Though I'm pretty sure you have to love to read if you want to write. a paradox!

What will i do?
I've always wanted to compile a book of journal entries or things i've blogged about. sort of like an ode to P.S. Longer Letter Later except with less plot. However, I'm pretty sure if I sent that to an editor they would be like, "why would I want to read about your problems?" and then I get sad and discouraged and do something else with my life.
Maybe I should write a book about my hardships. The illnesses I've delt with over the years.
Maybe i'l compile journal entries that no one will read. not even me.

Julie and Julia and what to blog about

So after a long day of cleaning, organizing, and exhausting text-fighting/miscommunicating, I crawled into bed  with a cup of chocolate peanut butter ice cream and popped in Julie & Julia, the wonderful Meryl Streep-Amy Adams film (not to forget the spot-on Stanley Tucci and Jane Lynch) about how Julia Child came to be the  Julia child and how nobody, Julie Powell, came to have a better sense of self. I love this movie. It makes me want to eat. It makes me want to cook. It makes me want to move to France. It makes me want to hug Meryl Streep. She does such a good job in this role. She makes me laugh. Being a Julia myself, I have to say, learning the 'Julia Child impression' is always a good skill to have. Mastering a funny impression or reviewing this film was not the purpose of this post. The purpose was to discuss the purpose of my blog.

The point of a blog is like a daily journal that everyone can read. Sometimes, I want to just rant and scream and whatever about is going on in my life because I am a selfish, pessimistic, slightly depressed person. and if i want to do that, I should be doing it on a blog that one will be reading, right?

However, like anyone else, I do love attention every now and again. So that gets me thinking that my blog should have an angle. People won't want to read my blog if I'm just blabbering about my day (unless they know me, or are really patient people). But when I need to rant, I still need a place to vent- especially with a lack of friends. or friends that i'd feel bad venting to either because a) i don't know them that well or b) because the amount of times i'd need to complain to them about something would surpass any person's real commitment to listening to your problems. So this has brought me to the conclusion that I should start another blog so I can keep this one for ranting and blabbing.
So far, here are my ideas for blogging: reviewing movies past and present. I have considered becoming a film critic so it would be good exposure if I were to pursue it.

Anything wedding related. I happen to be a wedding geek. It's true. I have now TWO binders filled with pages I have ripped out of Brides magazine, ever so delicately. They sleep in clear inserts that keep them from getting gross. Every time my monthly Brides magazine comes in I rip out my favorite photos or articles, then find a place for them in the book. I'm constantly editing. Every so often my eyes land on an old favorite and say "I don't like this picture anymore" so I crumple it up and throw it out- make room for something new. I could blog about what i like about weddings, what i don't. about my binder. about the idea of wedding planning. wedding movies. etc. however, there are so many other wedding blogs out there because of couples who are getting married who make blogs. then again- i could become a resource to other couples or planners or whoever. But who am I to be their resource? I'm only 18. I've never been married. but I've been reading Bride's magazines for four years now, that's more than most brides I bet. This is sounding like a contender. eep!

I could do something like in Julie and Julia. I could work my way through a cook book. But with college not too far away, not having started the shopping, and a week away for a family vacation, a cooking blog doesn't seem to be the right alley for me.

I could talk about theatre? but how much can you really say. I wouldn't be critiquing any shows. I'd probably just end up listing show I had seen or been in or want to see, etc. boring.

[I always loved blogging more than journaling because when you're writing in a journal, your mind moves so much faster than your pen that your hand can't keep up and you can't write in detail as much as you would like to. When blogging, I type pretty quickly, so I don't have any trouble keeping up with my racing mind.]