Voter preferences

I keep seeing the fb pages for the presidential candidates, and every so often, the candidate i'm not voting for pops up-and a list of my friends who recently liked that candidate. as i scroll through the list i realize "huh. i knew there was something i didn't like about these people." its their political party. and that is a horrible thought. and yet true. these people live different lives than i do with different idealogies. which is why we dont really get along.

am i settling? is "good enough", enough?

Sometimes I'm wondering if i'm settling.
i've been with my boyfriend for 16 months now. and i love him. or at least I feel like I do. I'm really devoted. We're currently long distance. I'm in Illinois and he's in Georgia. I won't see him until christmas break. which is 66 days from now. yea.

back to the settling. I keep breaking up with him. every now and then i'll break up with him. and we'll get back together in a few days because he convinces me i'm being emotional and freaking out.  which I usually am. and then everything will go back to normal.
but as we've gotten deeper into this relationship, every time we break up- it's for better and better reasons. like he doesn't make enough of an effort to talk to me while we're away. or that I think I want to be with a different kind of guy, no offense to the nerds out there, but I dont know if i want to marry a guy who plays video games or magic cards in his free time.

[I am rather future oriented. In my goals for the future, at the top of my list is get married and have a big family. Even before get a job. I know I'm not necessarily going to marry this guy. in fact, I won't. but I am so focused on the future. and I am deathly afraid of being alone. like emotionally alone.
I have a really hard family life. everyone in my family is sick except me and my dad. everyone is stressed out and takes out on each other and people get crazy and irrational. and I can't live with those people anymore. I'm becoming such a better person now that I'm at college, its incredible. I can actually breathe for once.]


that being said, i feel like i'm using my boyfriend as this escape mechanism. Like, I don't want to face my problems, so i go hang out with you or talk to you. I can be mentally or physically away from my family and have a good time. soon after my boyfriend and i got together, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. so i needed him as a crutch. my best friend was off at college. my other best friend had ditched me. i was all alone. i needed someone. and he was there. and he became my best friend. he became my rock. and he still is. i tell him everything.

but I can find a friend i can tell everything to in the same respect. who picks me up when i'm down, etc. and i care about him really deeply. but i don't know if that's because he's my first love, and it just isn't really working out. or if i really do love him. sometimes I can't tell. I keep having dreams about being with other guys, and during my dream i'll think "wait, i'm still in a relationship with my old boyfriend, aren't I?"

So I'm worried i'm just with him because:
a) its a familiar situation. i'm comfortable with him
b) he keeps me away from my family. keeps me sane.
c) I don't want to be alone. or single. I don't want the idea of being alone forever. (not that it will last forever)

but at the same time am I just cutting him short?
I haven't seen him in 63 days. and I won't see him for another 66 days.
Have I forgotten all the reasons I was with him? right now it feels like those up above were it.
oh. and he loves me. he loves me so much. and i wanted to be loved. i needed to be loved. i dont really get that at home. more so, i want the attention that a boyfriend would give a girlfriend as opposed to your mom or whatever. but sometimes it feels like i dont love him. maybe i never did? i just loved the idea of him?

but maybe i just love him! inexplicably. but that doesnt make sense. he's not very romantic. and he doesnt talk to me so much. he's gawky. plays video games and magic with his friends. he's not muscley or particularly handsome. not that he's ugly either. ive grown accustomed to his face. but he's not the perfect guy. but at the same time, is there ever a perfect guy? will there be?

there will be flaws in anyone, but who treats me right and who i can have great conversations with and things like that?

the fact that i still do know after so long of mulling it over kills me. i dont know if i love my boyfriend. if i want to be with him.
I'd rather not make that kind of decision while we're apart. I should wait at least until i see him again. if the flame is rekindled, we keep going. if not. i'll know immediately

what to do

I don't know what to do. what to think.

one minute you're a horrible person who doesn't listen to me, who doesn't make time for me. 

the next minute i love you more than i can stand and i miss you more than i can bear. 

i am so confused. my friends are getting so worried about me. we keep breaking up and getting back together. they think he's no good.

and i thought he was no good too.

then my roommate and i had this long talk. when we were on the bus to meijer's and i told her about how much i love him and how we named our kids already and how i want to spend the rest of my life with him.

is it the distance that is making me this crazy? is it that i haven't seen him in almost 2 months now. i haven't been able to hold him close and kiss him like we used to? Or is it truly a bad relationship. i hate always breaking up and getting back together and i'm a bitch and everyone thinks i'm a horrible person.

"can't you love your rock? can't you love your everything?"

i dont know what to do anymore. i dont want to be stuck in this relationship- i want to explore and meet new people. but i also know i've felt the safest in this relationship. i've felt cared for. and loved, even if i've been really lonely lately because he's really busy. and i'm not.

The letter i want to write

Dear Boyfriend,

please call me. please skype me. please make an effort to hear my voice everyday.
I don't know if you know, but I cry all the time because you can't talk on the phone (won't is more like it) or because you can't skype. it breaks my heart, it really does. I want you to want to call me on the phone. to have a moment to yourself and think, "this is when i should call my girlfriend. I love her and i miss her"

You don't get how much i miss you. how much I NEED to hear your voice everyday. It is painful enough to be so far away from you. I don't need you stop talking to me. We just talked on the phone for a half an hour and it wasn't enough. I need hours. I need days. just to make it seem like maybe I could open my door and you'd be there with a hug and a bouquet of flowers. (not that you would buy me flowers. or could afford them. not that i am passing judgement)

I know you are busy. and i'm busy too. we have classes and homework and friends. you have more friends than me- and hang out with them more. i like to be by myself and watch tv and listen to music. and part of that is because i'm a lazy friend. I always want to be invited places. also because I dont feel like going out more than I do. so when my friends want to watch movies in my room, they are totally welcome. I'm getting off topic.

I love you. i really do. and i would love it if you could be a little bit more romantic. if you could send me drawings and stickers and packages like I do. If you could do things like write cute things about me. and you once said to me, "you say more things than you do" referring to how much I love him. and maybe that's true. but I am a very verbal person. I find that words have a great power to impact people. and he's not a very verbal/talkative/smooth-worded kind of guy. and thats okay. yin to my yang. :) i just wish he would see that talking is important to me. and especially when we're this far away, the option for action is VERY limited. there are no hugs or kisses. there are letters. and texts. and skype and phone calls. all of the "doing" has become talking. and I understand being busy, but i feel like there needs to be more effort!! you can't just rest back on your loins and say "oh don't worry. it'll all be fine." i won't be able to see you, and get that one on one time i really need with you. talking is all i get, so we have to make it count.

 i miss you so much. and you just dont seem to be phased. you say you miss me. i kinda see it. you say you love me more, now that can't be true because you barely talk to me unless i ask you to. if you were so interested in "doing" things in this relationship, then why havent you sent me a letter yet. or even written me one. god damn it. reach out to me like im reaching out to you!

and maybe that makes me sad. and maybe that makes me pathetic. and maybe this means that I am too dependent on you. well even though i'm crying. that doesnt mean i cant get out of bed. that doesnt mean i dont go to class, or see my friends occasionally. it doesnt mean i dont eat or talk or socialize or do my homework. i just know how to better prioritize my time to include you in my life. you're not a once a week thing to me. you're an every minute of every day thing to me. I love you. and last i checked, so do you. so start acting like it! send me a text. give me a call.




I wrote this letter a while ago. I wish all of those things were still true. It was a lack of effort and communication on his part along with an already flawed relationship that caused this relationship to fail just recently. But he's not the guy i want him to be. I need someone different. who will treat me right. who i want to treat right back, as opposed to me feeling forced to do things for him. that's not right. not at all.