am i settling? is "good enough", enough?

Sometimes I'm wondering if i'm settling.
i've been with my boyfriend for 16 months now. and i love him. or at least I feel like I do. I'm really devoted. We're currently long distance. I'm in Illinois and he's in Georgia. I won't see him until christmas break. which is 66 days from now. yea.

back to the settling. I keep breaking up with him. every now and then i'll break up with him. and we'll get back together in a few days because he convinces me i'm being emotional and freaking out.  which I usually am. and then everything will go back to normal.
but as we've gotten deeper into this relationship, every time we break up- it's for better and better reasons. like he doesn't make enough of an effort to talk to me while we're away. or that I think I want to be with a different kind of guy, no offense to the nerds out there, but I dont know if i want to marry a guy who plays video games or magic cards in his free time.

[I am rather future oriented. In my goals for the future, at the top of my list is get married and have a big family. Even before get a job. I know I'm not necessarily going to marry this guy. in fact, I won't. but I am so focused on the future. and I am deathly afraid of being alone. like emotionally alone.
I have a really hard family life. everyone in my family is sick except me and my dad. everyone is stressed out and takes out on each other and people get crazy and irrational. and I can't live with those people anymore. I'm becoming such a better person now that I'm at college, its incredible. I can actually breathe for once.]


that being said, i feel like i'm using my boyfriend as this escape mechanism. Like, I don't want to face my problems, so i go hang out with you or talk to you. I can be mentally or physically away from my family and have a good time. soon after my boyfriend and i got together, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. so i needed him as a crutch. my best friend was off at college. my other best friend had ditched me. i was all alone. i needed someone. and he was there. and he became my best friend. he became my rock. and he still is. i tell him everything.

but I can find a friend i can tell everything to in the same respect. who picks me up when i'm down, etc. and i care about him really deeply. but i don't know if that's because he's my first love, and it just isn't really working out. or if i really do love him. sometimes I can't tell. I keep having dreams about being with other guys, and during my dream i'll think "wait, i'm still in a relationship with my old boyfriend, aren't I?"

So I'm worried i'm just with him because:
a) its a familiar situation. i'm comfortable with him
b) he keeps me away from my family. keeps me sane.
c) I don't want to be alone. or single. I don't want the idea of being alone forever. (not that it will last forever)

but at the same time am I just cutting him short?
I haven't seen him in 63 days. and I won't see him for another 66 days.
Have I forgotten all the reasons I was with him? right now it feels like those up above were it.
oh. and he loves me. he loves me so much. and i wanted to be loved. i needed to be loved. i dont really get that at home. more so, i want the attention that a boyfriend would give a girlfriend as opposed to your mom or whatever. but sometimes it feels like i dont love him. maybe i never did? i just loved the idea of him?

but maybe i just love him! inexplicably. but that doesnt make sense. he's not very romantic. and he doesnt talk to me so much. he's gawky. plays video games and magic with his friends. he's not muscley or particularly handsome. not that he's ugly either. ive grown accustomed to his face. but he's not the perfect guy. but at the same time, is there ever a perfect guy? will there be?

there will be flaws in anyone, but who treats me right and who i can have great conversations with and things like that?

the fact that i still do know after so long of mulling it over kills me. i dont know if i love my boyfriend. if i want to be with him.
I'd rather not make that kind of decision while we're apart. I should wait at least until i see him again. if the flame is rekindled, we keep going. if not. i'll know immediately