Wisdom Teeth

getting your wisdom teeth pulled sucks.
everyone is like "you get to eat ice cream all the time and it's wonderful"
not so wonderful.
the surgery itself was a piece of cake.
its the aching pain it leaves you with for several days afterwards.
and i'm lactose intolerant so I can't eat that much ice cream anyway. (well without a pill which is very hard to chew when you've just had teeth removed)
Vicadin is both mean and nice. makes my pain go away but turns my body into jell-o. yes. jell-o.
I'm oh so very tired. :(

Crappy Poetry Part 5

#32

closed campus

definition

"a student not being able to leave the school for

any purpose during the school day.

not even to venture into the parking lot."

our plans. crushed.

no milkshakes. no frozen yogurt.

no adventure. no thrill.

this steams my broccoli!

you've removed all hope of slight escape!

to feel the warm sunlight on my 

pale. icy skin. the florescent lights

reflecting on my weary frame

stripped of its breath and enthusiasm

my head droops as my hand slides away

losing its support beam

i glance to the clock

one hour till my next break

i sigh. and weep internally

...

cyclical unemployment 

(fuck this)

#33

Mr. Feldman

I don't know his first name- the teacher never says it

a car salesman- to take the family business

balding.

i can already tell

and i pity him

he's a living stereotype.

#34

He calls the men Mr.

but the women by their first names

but wait!

a slip up!

He called him Dylan.

but never for the women.

I'm never Miss Trevor

sexism?

or an unnoticed habit?

[the line was originally written "i'm never Miss Graham" because my pen name was going to be Charlotte Graham]

#35

I like cows.

lets draw cows

[insert my drawings of cows]

not as cute as the last ones

:( oh well

there goes my cow-drawing talent

#36

i feel bad

because I don't want to be here

i try so very hard not to pay attention

I do on occasion because I need a decent grade

and I waste enough of my time here

that i should actually try

and He tries so hard

to make economics seem interesting

which is an impossible task

oh crap. he called on me. blah!

i answered sorta correctly.

#37

my parents are seeing Book of Mormon

without me

I cried

i'm not allowed to come

I cried

#38

hey let's take a trip

let's drive that red mustang

across the country

going 60 down the highway

let's drive on Route 66

and take pictures of the past

or drive to obscure places

in awkward states

Nebraska, the Dakotas, etcc.

just jump in the car

and hit the gas

and let's runaway together

forget the world and just go

#39

the siren sounds

the ambulance races by

and my heart stops

because it could be you

a mix of nausea and anxiety

take over my body

i can no longer function

paralyzed with fear

my thoughts reeling

the awful possibilities are endless

that's it!! that's all of them!

Crappy Poetry Part 4

#24

I've lost my inspiration

poof!

it's just gone

no more poetry

it's slipped away

i'm sorry to disappoint

#24A

written by Eve Hirschman

in case you were

wondering

the "A"

stands for

an aswer

so

where'd the inspiration go

don't think it ever

leaves

I'm going to do to this poem

what Mark Zuckerberg did

to the Winklevoss twin

because this poem has an 

idea

but I now

have a better

one.

#24B

written by Eve Hirschman

an Ode to the winklevi

or 

and ode to almost

coming in second

not winning

fail

here's to you

Winklevi

of the world

your best is only

the stepping stone 

for the people who are better

than you'll ever be

but your stone is a

necessary step

on the path of success

that everyone takes

except for you that is

Winklevi.

#24C

written by Eve Hirschman

I started to draw a lizard

but then

I remembered

I don't know how

to draw

a lizard

#25

Written by Julia Trevor

She

is a liar

that was a 

perfect lizard

His name

is

Gordon

and he's  my new

friend

my

only 

friend

:(

#26 

my throat burns

a searing rod of iron

uncomfortably forced

upon my livelihood

my voice

the most important thing

for a vocalist

such as myself

and cough drops are tempting

but only give temporary relief

which sucks (pun!)

because my talent must

be restored

and soon 

please?

#27

i am not

by any means

an artist but I shall

attempt

to draw

a cow

[insert drawing of my cow here]

she's kinda fat

:/ oh well

it reflects current American culture

I did that on purpose

#28

migration

from the back of the room

to the front

right in eye sight line

of my biggest enemy

i miss the back of the room

i miss the wall i'd lay my bag against

and the intelligent people i had the privilege of sitting next to 

yes. she's here. unfortunately. 

writing has become a risk.

one i'm not sure if i'm willing to take.

#29

a pure smile

bursting with life and enthusiasm

a waterfall of sunshine overflowing

buckets and buckets

and buckets full

but they cannot contain

the feeling

the love, the laughter

confined withing the essence of just one smile

#30

somehow

I manage to always look

up at the clock

at 9:11

and I feel that uncomfortable uneasiness

why now?

why not in a minute? or a minute ago?

It's awkward.

ehrgh.

#31

thirty one

thirty-one

three one

THIRTY ONE!

thirty 1

3 one

three 1

31

!

Crappy Poetry Part 3

#16

Hungry

like a hippo

seven more minutes

til my break from

Econ

but oh wait

snap!

i don't have food.

shoot.

empty unhappy stomach

I dislike this.

#17

raindrops

rainboots.

puddles.

splashing.

a bother to some

a wonder to others

down pour. deluge.

hazard. happiness.

an escape.

a peaceful world.

that no one will be apart of

except me.

#18

let's switch it up.

i'll write in pencil

for some reason

pen seems harsh at the moment

Danko's close

I must work stealthily

I must not get caught

because price indexes

aren't exactly keeping my attention

especially because

I have an awful teacher

who relies on books and paper

instead of teaching methods

which is why he's a summer school teacher

Hah! enjoy your malt-o-meal cereal

bleh bleh bleh

An Ode to Robert Zemeckis

(#19)

I.want.a.delorean

I have Always. wanted a delorean

as impractical as it would be

which makes it impossible

to park next to people

because you'd never be able to open the door

which is really inconvenient

but ridiculously awesome nonetheless

I still want a delorean

to ride like a McFly

in utmost style

and go to the future

(or the past)

and yes I know

a delorean doesn't mean time machine

but still hell-ah awesome!

save the clock tower!

and I promise

cross my heart

that I'll never say "hell-ah" again

that was just sad...

but back to my point

thank you, Robert Zemeckis

for creating on heck of a movie

you've altered many lives

real and ficticious

An Ode to Low Standard

(#20)

written by Eve Hirschman

there is

no

such

thing

An Ode to the Stupid People

(#20B)

written by Julia Trevor

your low standards

are appalling

and amusing

god put you on this earth

just to make me laugh

so thank you "god"

for giving me a moment of joy

through someone else's bad taste

and overall stupidity

and I know this sounds cruel

because it is

and I'm sorry to offend

(but not really) 

#21

why should we worry?

I care for you

and you reciprocate

and I love the time we spend

I regret nothing

neither do you

and yet a burden

you put upon yourself

why does it matter?

It's about us and only us

your reasoning is shallow

they'll think less of me

no matter when

it's impossible to time it right

why do they matter

why are you so worked up by this

but i'll humor you

and wait some more

until this ends

and simplifies

#22

little glass jars

to hold your money

to keep it safe

from the bank

....

enjoy the Ponzi scam

and the risk you've put yourself in

again. stupid.

#22B

little jars

hundreds lined up

of little glass jars

something so fragile

protecting something so vital

innocence

love

essence

emotions

all so easily shattered

and exposed

to all

#23

Whap!

a paper baton struck down upon her

deservingly

amusingly

it is she- the fool

the obnoxious beast

the epitome of unintelligence

the stereotypical American teenage girl

and yet that doesn't represent me.

this. sadly. is what my generation has come to.

Crappy Poetry Part 2

#6

Crappy Poetry

a way to waste my time

here 

five hours a day

of Economics

in the summer

the room is cold

and I'm asleep

practically

and I don't remember enough song lyrics

to mindlessly jot them down

to save my mind a minute of boredom

so I shall create

create crap

but I'm still creating

and it don't amount to much

just a waste of time

thank god

#7

she got sick

never gets better

burden.

disappointment

time. stopped.

#8

my life consists of facebook statuses

an update of anything I deem important

open to the entire world

if I have no secrets

nothing can be held against me

makes life easier

#9 

we are not a family

we're boarders

in one house

tolerable

kind

but separate

Jimmy should move ou 

Emma should move on

If I had the money

I would own my own apartment

where I could live

where Emma and I could live

separate from those adults we call

"parental units"

who are mere stand-ins for what they should be

I'm mature for my age.

let me own an apartment.

let me move out.

or go to college already.

#10

I'm changing the format of this poem solely for the reason that it seems like I'm taking notes as opposed to writing more of my crappy poetry. Eve says there is (almost) no such thing as bad poetry. I disagree. It's really just word vomit. like a journal entry filled with emotions without the screaming and yelling. This writing might be even worse than just talking about it. I'm feeling the pressure. It feels bottled up.

#11

I finished my test

rather early in fact

and I'm a little worried

because this isn't

my favorite class

nor am I good at it

and yet another packet was

handed to me

at least fifteen pages long

and there goes the rain forest

and the ink

and the electricity for the printer

what a waste.

tsk tsk tsk

#12

ow!

hand cramp.

#13

am i really worth it

is this really different

are we just hoping that things will

work in our favor?

who are we kidding

this is merely practical

and these feelings are temporary

like a pokemon tattoo

maybe it's just me

i don't do well with commitment

which is sad

because that's what I long for

I get scared

and I run

run far away

inside myself

but I come back

often

because I miss this

you?

the situation?

a need to feel wanted?

who knows

two weeks and I'll know

and I wait.

#14

53 years.

married.

for 53 years

that just doesn't happen anymore

marraige doesn't mean what it used to

divorce rates are up

and yet 

there are more weddings

why can't it last a lifetime?

will it ever?

why can't we be faithful?

what has this world come to?

If i know I won't marry you,

doe this make it all a lie?

no.

because love can grow

and flourish

and if it doesn't

it was good while it lasted.

#15

I try to understand you

but I fail to understand your reasoning

you've limited your options

to you beliefs

while I respect your beliefs

I don't want you to miss out 

he loves you 

her cares about you

and you think it would be a lie

because he's not of your religion

are you serious?

take a leap of faith!

let yourself be happy

"god" won't say otherwise

i might have to disown you

and i'm sorry 

i will never understand

i wish i could

but

you're just making this difficult for yourself

and it's difficult already

why add more obstacles?

Crappy Poetry I Wrote During Economics Last Summer

#1

There is something so refreshing

about a clean white sheet

of paper

filled with promise and potential

great thoughts could be found here

or a few crude doodles

upon this lined prison

blues and red

a trap for ideas and thoughts

and dreams and ambitions stopped.

short.

finite in what it has to offer

letters

syllables

words

put together to create

the largest schemes

or the most miniscule of objects

and eyelash, a wish

cost out into the world

with a faith

in the ever-sweeping tide

#2

Regret

Confusion

Hesitation

You feel me

I feel air

desire for a dream

for an idea

for love, for intimacy

not for you

wait

time

the click of the clock

can't measure the feeling

the loss

the white blossome

crushed by a metal rod

killing it instantly

wow, these suck a lot more than I remember. eesh.... Oh well. I will continue to post them anyway. why the hell not?

#2B

the want to want

to want something

you can't have

attracted to 'no'

#3

I close my eyes

I drift to sleep

and you haunt me

I try to love him

but I can't

you're there

controlling my brain

he's a good person

and he makes me smile

but it's all a lie

it was all a lie

you're a liar

you made me a liar

you gutted me

and put out your cigar

on my innocence

#4

it's kind of a funny feeling

emptiness and anxiety

living in the moment

analyzing the possibilities

over analyzing really

worried by what could be

what ought to be

as opposed to what is

i'm balancing myself

unsuccessfully

between the longing for my lost piece of self

and a new opportunity 

is appreciation possible without

that piece of me

can i have real feelings?

can i care for someone else

do i have the time

the energy

the heart

when my own is still healing

still affected. and he doesn't even know

crushed. broken. shattered.

#5

sometimes you just need to be sad

might be unhealthy

to feel this way on a semi

regular basis.

i feel sad. depressed. disappointed.

and my itunes playlist gets put to use.

they suggest upbeat music

to raise my spirits.

denied.

forced happiness when i'm upset

makes my fire burn

i become unnecessarily angry

the rain has lost its usual luster

like a million tears from those

who've died. or who were in  pain.

i empathize with their sorrow.

as I curl up in a room of faded light

a drift away from it all

the sad melodies comforting me

in my time of need

i need someone to hold me

and protect me

to fend off the demons that haunt my soul

My Body Hates Me

Everyday since summer has started, probably even before then, probably after I started (and then finished) working on the weekends- I'll wake up at an ungodly hour. On good days it's nine. On days like today and yesterday it's been like 7:30.
like are you kidding me body?? waking me up at 7:30am?? school is over! leave me alone!!
and the worst part is once I'm awake there is no turning back. My body won't let me fall back asleep. The nazi.
so everyday I try to stay up later and later so I'll wake up at a normal time. No dice. 7:30 I wake up sweating in a panic because of a combination of a fleece blanket and a weird dream. I could remember the dream if I didn't have to be woken up AT SEVEN THIRTY IN THE MORNING!! GAH!!
*frustrated sigh*
-.-

Relationships suck

I can't keep relationships. any kind of relationship.
I've never had a best friend longer than 3 years. the only exception would be a "friend" i've had for 6 years but we really haven't been close the last 3 years. I don't have a best friend currently. I graduated without a best friend. without a person I absolutely needed to take pictures with (other than my boyfriend but that's different).
I can't keep regular friends either. I'd like to say I have a lot of good acquaintances or school friends but not many I'm close with. Not many I can talk to. when I tell people about my stress or about how i was really upset they all say, "you know you can come talk to me whenever you need to right?" and I say of course I do but I don't really mean it, except for maybe one person. I don't know them well enough to really bare my soul and say everything that's on my mind, even if i pretend like I do. (I don't keep secrets so it seems like I could bare my soul to anyone but that's not the case. I can tell people my surface problems but it takes someone I know really well to be able to get down to the deep stuff.) (And if I really did always tell them the problems I'm having they'd just be annoyed with me. I'd go to them every day to complain about this or talk to them about how my family is terrible or living with people who have illnesses is impossible. and they'll say  "i'm sorry". but what can they do? they'll never understand what it feels like. they can't empathize. and after a while of me baring my soul- for about a week lets say, they get sick of me and stop answering my phone calls. so what is the point in even trying.)

 when I'm upset- i'm just upset. It's internal. I need to talk to people to get it out. I need to rant for like two hours if i have to. I have so much anger and sadness and disappointment and everything negative bottled up inside me and I need to get it out. but if I'm not talking about it it will stay bottled forever or until I have a complete mental breakdown. and because i'm so negative and pessimistic and my family life along with a lot of other crap over the last 5 years has really ruined me as a developing person. I've become very dark and sad and lonely. i thrive on bad things. i love when people give me empathy and i feel the need to pity myself whenever possible. I'm a combination of selfish, lonely, and stubborn which makes it impossible to make friends. I'm always thinking, "if they're really my friend then why aren't they talking to me? why aren't they texting me? inviting me places?" I rely on them to make all the effort in a relationship which shouldn't be happening. It should be 50-50. I think my skewed idea of this came from a really doting best friend who did everything and the fact that all my friendships before that ended with my friends leaving me because I was lame or whatever, they didn't like me anymore. and so I couldn't trust any of my friends. not entirely. i didn't keep secrets so everyone was immediately on the same playing field. which seems like a way to get closer to people when really it's an excuse to keep people at a distance.

I'm really worried that once I get to college everything I went through in high school will repeat. I'll be an introvert hiding in my dorm room and I won't make any close friends except the ones I already have that are going to college. my boyfriend says i shouldn't be so pessimistic, and he's right. it's a self-fulfilling prophecy but i'm worried too. I'm not very outgoing and i hate people that drink and do drugs and that'll keep me from making friends. If i meet people who are drinking I automatically hate them and walk away. which means i'll have like 3 friends in college. ...great. hopefully my roommate and i will become friends so i won't be so lonely. *sigh* I don't know what to do anymore.

The Library makes me feel guilty

So I've only done this twice now, but every summer I go to the Library and grab 20+ soundtrack CDs of musical theatre shows that I really should listen to. I bring them all home and immediately put them onto my computer because I love music so much, especially new music. and of course there are soundtracks that I downloaded a year ago that I still haven't listened to. I feel really bad. They just sit in my itunes for a long time waiting for me to listen to them. I know I'm making my music sounds like the toys in Toy Story, waiting to be played with, but that is what I feel they are like. 

I'm taking a sick day today and I felt bad for not listening to all my musical theatre music so I'm currently listening to Anything Goes: the revival with Sutton Foster. 

Other albums I still haven't listened to

The Artist

Beauty and the Beast: Broadway Musical

The Color Purple: Broadway Cast

Damn Yankees

Despicable Me 

Devil Wears Prada 

Fame

Finding Neverland 

Flower Drum Song 

Forrest Gump 

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum 

Get Smart 

Gypsy

Hair

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Hello, Dolly!

The Help

How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

Kiss of the Spider Woman

A Little Night Music

Miss Saigon

Next to Normal

FELA!

Pal Joey

Spring Awakening

Tarzan Broadway Musical

[Title of Show]

True Grit

West Side Story New Cast Recording

Yea I feel really bad...

Facebook statuses that should've been private

(about graduation)
"I feel so weird. It's over and i feel almost nothing.i'm sad but i'm not. and there are so many things i regret not doing. but in the end the days came and they passed and i'm right here and right now. now to go on living my life and follow wherever it leads me."
I have no closure with high school. none at all. I feel like i'm in the abyss. 

"I need to come to terms with myself and finally admit that I have spring time allergies. Every morning I'm sneezing for 20 minutes straight.
So much for being allergy free :/"
it's statuses like the one above that make me feel super annoying. This is what's going through my head- I'm bored. what am I complaining about now? New status awaits me!
Other people comment on it and talk about their own allergy woes or feel sorry for me, but what's the point of that. I thrive on sympathy already, I shouldn't take in any more of it.

"so I need to get the shoulders of a dress altered and I keep looking up prices online and i'm not liking what i'm finding. ><"
yet another instance of information that really could've stayed in my head. my virtual friend population really didn't need to know about this, but I think i do things like this for a few reasons. One- what i listed earlier. Two- i don't have very many friends to talk to. I have quite a few friends, but if i texted them at random times of the day and said "ugh oh my gosh I'm stressing out over getting this dress fitted" they would be very irritated with me- hence I'd have less friends. So I guess if i post it on facebook, people can comment as they wish without me being annoying to all my close friends..... not that i have many close friends.
I got it altered it was only $12. :)

"so i've lost my anatomy text book. i'm almost positive i left it at school. one of three things could happen 
1) i find it in the lost and found. yay.
2) someone found it and returned it to textbook drop off anyway.
3) no one found it/it sitting in a pile in the science deparment never to be scanned. then i owe $90 and can't get my diploma. 
crap. D:"
another instance of me babbling. This is because I love to talk and I get stressed out very easily and have no close friends to pour all my stress on and so it has to come out some how so i don't explode from being so stressed out. 
and someone returned the book to drop off. i got my diploma! woot!
[i wonder if i could do something like this and publish it? facebook statuses paired with witty commentary... maybe]


"My last day of high school is officially over.
I'm sad to go and yet so ready to be rid of that awful place.
I'm a freshman once again. Funny... I've always felt like a freshman. I'm just resuming the norm."
this goes along with the graduation post. Notice they're going in chronological order backwards.
I'm excited and scared for college. I'm so ready to be out of the house and rid of my family but I'm not ready to be away from my loving boyfriend and underclassmen high school friends.

"Elope with me, Miss Private, and we’ll sail around the world
I will be your Ferdinand and you my wayward girl
How many nights of talking in hotel rooms can you take?
How many nights of limping around on pagan holidays?
Oh, elope with me in private and we’ll set something ablaze
A trail for the devil to erase"
Piazza, New York Catcher by Belle and Sebastian

from the Juno Soundtrack

I often post song lyrics for one of two reasons. The first reason being that the words have to do with how I'm currently feeling about myself, my situation, or people in my life. The second reason is that it is simply a very good song and I have it stuck in my head. :)

I posted this song because I spent a very good day with my boyfriend and the first line "elope with me, Miss Private, and we'll sail around the world" really struck a chord with me. (or is it struck a cord? I'm a music geek so I like the first one better :P )

okay you get the point of facebook statuses. 
yea i'm pretty much done with this one.

the point of blogging and writing career

So I've realized that I have been treating facebook like a blog. pretty much everything I say is usually something really personal that I shouldn't be sending to my 400+ friends. but if I dont care about 300+ of them and what they think of me, then should it matter?
then again- i shouldn't be writing my inner most thoughts on a blog either. but no one reads my blog so i don't really care. so this is in fact a perfect place to post my thoughts and feelings. and if i blog enought maybe i'll create a following and become famous or get a cool job offer for a dream job at like pixar or being a movie critic or editing for bride's magazine or ripping apart manuscript as a book editor.

okay yea i know that's a little far fetched. but why not? it could happen. stay positive right?

I've realized that I actually do like writing when I'm writing of my own accord. I feel like I want to get a book published like "Wreck this journal" by Kerri Smith. something along that style. I've considered a few times taking journal entries I've written or letters I wrote to my boyfriend or facebook statuses (or even blog posts) and compiling them into a book. but every time that idea crosses through my brain I think "why would anyone read that? who cares about the life of Julia Trevor" but then again, my favorite books as a kid were the ones where there were letters written back and forth between characters- like P.s. Longer Letter Later. It always kept my attention so much more. I just feel like it wouldn't amount to much. but maybe. we'll see.