Relationships suck

I can't keep relationships. any kind of relationship.
I've never had a best friend longer than 3 years. the only exception would be a "friend" i've had for 6 years but we really haven't been close the last 3 years. I don't have a best friend currently. I graduated without a best friend. without a person I absolutely needed to take pictures with (other than my boyfriend but that's different).
I can't keep regular friends either. I'd like to say I have a lot of good acquaintances or school friends but not many I'm close with. Not many I can talk to. when I tell people about my stress or about how i was really upset they all say, "you know you can come talk to me whenever you need to right?" and I say of course I do but I don't really mean it, except for maybe one person. I don't know them well enough to really bare my soul and say everything that's on my mind, even if i pretend like I do. (I don't keep secrets so it seems like I could bare my soul to anyone but that's not the case. I can tell people my surface problems but it takes someone I know really well to be able to get down to the deep stuff.) (And if I really did always tell them the problems I'm having they'd just be annoyed with me. I'd go to them every day to complain about this or talk to them about how my family is terrible or living with people who have illnesses is impossible. and they'll say  "i'm sorry". but what can they do? they'll never understand what it feels like. they can't empathize. and after a while of me baring my soul- for about a week lets say, they get sick of me and stop answering my phone calls. so what is the point in even trying.)

 when I'm upset- i'm just upset. It's internal. I need to talk to people to get it out. I need to rant for like two hours if i have to. I have so much anger and sadness and disappointment and everything negative bottled up inside me and I need to get it out. but if I'm not talking about it it will stay bottled forever or until I have a complete mental breakdown. and because i'm so negative and pessimistic and my family life along with a lot of other crap over the last 5 years has really ruined me as a developing person. I've become very dark and sad and lonely. i thrive on bad things. i love when people give me empathy and i feel the need to pity myself whenever possible. I'm a combination of selfish, lonely, and stubborn which makes it impossible to make friends. I'm always thinking, "if they're really my friend then why aren't they talking to me? why aren't they texting me? inviting me places?" I rely on them to make all the effort in a relationship which shouldn't be happening. It should be 50-50. I think my skewed idea of this came from a really doting best friend who did everything and the fact that all my friendships before that ended with my friends leaving me because I was lame or whatever, they didn't like me anymore. and so I couldn't trust any of my friends. not entirely. i didn't keep secrets so everyone was immediately on the same playing field. which seems like a way to get closer to people when really it's an excuse to keep people at a distance.

I'm really worried that once I get to college everything I went through in high school will repeat. I'll be an introvert hiding in my dorm room and I won't make any close friends except the ones I already have that are going to college. my boyfriend says i shouldn't be so pessimistic, and he's right. it's a self-fulfilling prophecy but i'm worried too. I'm not very outgoing and i hate people that drink and do drugs and that'll keep me from making friends. If i meet people who are drinking I automatically hate them and walk away. which means i'll have like 3 friends in college. ...great. hopefully my roommate and i will become friends so i won't be so lonely. *sigh* I don't know what to do anymore.