dream

Last night i had this dream.
I was on a theatre trip of some kind?
there was a hotel.
my friend katie snuck in, which doesnt make sense since she's in theatre too. she was wearing all black like in those spy movies. it was funny.
we were all going to a dance. and apparently i had already worn my really nice dress so i ended up wearing a denim dress. and everyone else was beautiful and i looked homely.
and then we were at a thrift store wearhouse. and they were giving us free stuff. and they gave me this kinda ugly sweater that supposedly went with my outfit. they made me wear it .

we went to this show. it started off a wicked-type production, wicked witch of the west but it wasn't a musical and then suddenly is was about peter pan. hagrid popped out of a clam shell next to me, and spoke his lines and grabbed my arm. freaky.

i went to the bathroom at the theatre to see how i looked. stupid. my boyfriend was talking to me through the phone even though we were just texting and he could see how i looked even though i didn't have the camera on. i felt weird. i turned the phone off.

and then i was in an upstairs hallway with some friends. boys i think. naming the darling kids. "william peter wendy john" (its clearly john wendy peter micheal, but my brain is special)
and we said it over and over again.

and then we were downstairs, all the  theatre kids sitting cross legged. and someone asked something like, who is attractive. or who would you want to be with. and all the guys said "megan" this really pretty, snobbishly popular, full of herself girl in my department. and then other people sporadically yelled out other peoples names. no one yelled out mine. i felt unloved

and then i kept seeing this guy, in the theatre department who is sweet and tall and gives warm loving hugs. though i've only had like 2 (in real life). and he's way to old for me AND I HAVE A BOYFRIEND...
and in this DREAM. i kept staring at him because i wanted him to hold me.

and when i woke up, and it wasn't true. i was kinda sad. i realized that i want a guy who's tall and kinda strong who can really hold me tight. (it would be and added bonus for someone who understands theatre and knows what show choir is and streetcar named desire, but isn't necessary). someone who knows exactly how to comfort me. someone who knows when to talk and when to listen and can carry on intelligent and funny conversations. someone who knows jokes. someone who inspires me. someone who thinks i'm beautiful and talented. someone who is in a field I support. someone with similar beliefs and political views. someone who's going to be around for the long haul. someone who makes the grand gesture at least once. or buys flowers or chocolate. that is the guy i want. and i have a feeling he doesn't exist.
at the same time, i am a horribly selfish human being who only cares about herself and her needs and not the needs of the other person. so even if he was perfect, i wouldn't be ready for him. :(

I have a boyfriend. i feel terrible having these thoughts because my boyfriend is a wonderful human being. and he's probably the closest i'll ever get to that perfect guy. but i can't help but wonder, what it would be like somewhere else. with someone close by. with someone who maybe fits that description.

maybe...