Fitness journey day 3

It's easter.
not like it matters. Easter is like one of the most pointless holidays for non-religious people. You don't really give gifts on Easter. and how a rabbit got mixed up in the resurrection of jesus is beyond me.

whatever.

I was supposed to go to this easter event this morning, which i was planning on going to, but then my sister was all dressed up so i changed into a nicer dress, heels, etc. and then she said my dress was too short. I protested, saying i was wearing shorts underneath. and she still gave me that face like "you look like one of those cheap sorority skank girls (not that all sorority girls all skanky. but we all know there definitely are skanky ones).  She suggested I wear leggings. I said i didn't have any, which is most likely true. They are probably back at school or hidden within the bowels of my room. She said I could borrow some of hers and then I just gave up. If she was going to be embarrassed by me, I wasn't going to bother going. I didn't want to go in the first place, and it was only an hour. She couldn't have tolerated my slightly less appropriate outfit for one hour? (why would any have a party or lunch for only one hour. seems stupid if you ask me.) RANT. BLUH. I'm getting back in my sweatpants, i feel stupid.

Food Log
life cereal w/ soy milk
daily vitamins
omega 3 vitamins.

easter lunch. (I ended up going to thing after all this fuss)
several glasses of water
medium sized portion of ham
rice
steamed broccoli and carrots, which i had to force down for how gross they tasted.
cheesy potatoes. yuck. had like one bite
a crescent roll.
a bite or two of bread pudding
a chocolate egg- 140 calories ><

water
popcorn

gross protein bar.
water.
like 8 peanuts
2 peanut butter patties and 4 thin mints. (i'm trying to get rid of the sweets in my room. i thought it was early enough in the process, that I'll be able to work it off, hopefully)

too much food for someone on a diet, though i tried to keep the portion size down and i most certainly did not clear my plate.

I woke up SUPER sore this morning, especially in my calves. I've been trying to stretch them out since last night until this morning, but it doesn't seem to be helping. I could barely walk this morning. I was hobbling like an old man.

Emma and I were supposed to go to the gym, we were all reved up to work out and then, of course, wanted to nap instead. ugh. sometimes i wish she were more dependable. I'm sick of being disappointed. but its not really her fault which makes this more annoying, i can't be mad at her for it. sigh. what is a girl to do?

My Road to Hawaii: the fitness journey day 2

So I figure it makes a lot of sense that I keep a pretty good record of my exercising and eating habits while on this diet and exercise plan I made up for myself. (which is basically eat less crap, and work out a heck of a lot more).

Day 2
Woke up pretty sore from my 3 workouts from yesterday.
Attempted the majority of the Today Show's pyramid workout. It sounded fun when I watched the video but It was really hard when I actually tried to do it. The reps decrease as the intensity increases. I'm pretty sure I miss counted a lot of the reps so I really only did half of what I was supposed to. 100 jumping jacks really kills your calves. They still hate me, and no amount of stretching seems to make it any better. It was tough. I gave in early.

Honey nut cheerio breakfast.
vitamins.

Lunch
penne rosa, no mushrooms or added cheese, extra spinach.
side caesar salad no cheese.
(normally I'd be so proud of that order but I think they got bigger plates which means more food even though I ordered smalls)
big glass of water

walking with friends to and from the park

another glass of water
popcorn. no butter, light salt.

handful of peanuts
handful of cheerios
handful of dark chocolate m&ms
a hershey's kiss

Dinner
Campbell's chicken noodle soup
8 club crackers
1 banana
glass of water

a very mini version of the sex and the city workout
stretching my calves
ab workouts every now and again.

glass of water
omega 3 vitamins
protein bar
finished off the bottom of the bag of flatbread crakers.


yikes...

This food journal is making me realize how much I snack in a day. Thankfully this blog will help with not only how much I eat, but keeping me away from the sweet treats.

Let's hope I can still stick to my goal ><

Healthy Healthy Joy Joy!

Today I am feeling so great!

Yesterday I made the promise to myself to get my life in order. (view previous post for details)
Today I dragged myself to the gym with my sister.
I did 30 minutes on the elliptical. With increasing resistance. I added more resistance once a song on my ipod ended. However, I haven't worked out in a really long time, so being on resistance 6 within a 20 minute period was a little bit much for my heart, So i just did a half hour instead of an hour.

Then I went over to the slightly intimidating weight section/strength training and I used these machines: the chest press, leg press, the pull-down bar thing for your back, as well as a lot of time spent on the assisted lift which is really good for your arms. I have a baby muscle growing in there! Maybe i'll be able to do a pushup now. (hah). and then i went on the stair master for 3 minutes.

then for lunch, healthy of course we had: an egg in a frame made with wheat toast, spinach salad with craisins and almonds, and a super jam packed fruit smoothie.

I'm planning on not eating again until i'm ACTUALLY hungry.
i'm also planning on a detox bath and watching harry potter so i can do the really cool harry potter work out. (works best with the first 2-3 movies).

yay!

Feeling so good! Lets hope i don't over work my body. and that I can shed these 10 lbs like *that!

Love

I love my boyfriend.
And I bet it doesn't always seem like it. Because of how often I complain, or how often we get into petty fights, or how many times I threaten to break up with him, despite all of that, I really do love him
I love it when we hold hands when he's driving.
I love it when he opens the door for me.
I love it when he puts his arms around my waist when I'm cooking.
I love it when he orders the dessert I want even though he doesn't like raspberries.
I love cuddling with him
I love talking to him about our life together in the future. About when college is done, we'll move in together and we'll get jobs and get married and have kids and pets and the rest is history.
I love that my cats loves him more than me.
I love the little things that make me think about you, like puppies and bunnies and rain and meatball sandwiches. and a vast majority of music on my ipod.
I love that you love that i love weddings
I love the time we kissed outside that wedding boutique in Chicago.
I loved that you drove me all the way to my University just to spend an extra day with me.
I love that you always consider me a part of your family.
I love the funny noises you make when you're tired.
I love how soft the skin on your face is.
I love that you lift me up when we hug.
I love that you'll dance with me at any time or place, with or without music.
I love that you'll get up from the couch to get me things even though you are just as lazy as me.
I love that you treat me like a best friend and girlfriend and lady.
I love how playful you can be, like when we colored pictures or drew with chalk.
I love how well you listen to me. You just let me rant and rant and you won't interrupt because you know how important it is for me to talk everything out.
I love how supportive you are of me and how much you believe in me.
and so much more.

and I know sometimes I get super crazy or stressed or upset. Sometimes I wish we had better or longer conversations. Sometimes I wish you had biceps. Sometimes I don't want to be in a long distance relationship. but all those silly little things don't matter one bit, as long as I have you.
I love you so much. and I'm sorry we fight as much as we do. but we've been fighting like an old married couple since before we were even dating, It's natural that we still do. We'll work out the kinks, together. <3

Summer of Julia

This summer will be the summer of Julia (much like the summer of George but with employment). I'm going to work on the improvement of my superficial self.
While I know that sounds stupid and conceited and "its the inside that counts", and I completely agree with that, the inside is what matters. It just so happens that having a visually appealing outside also helps with boosting my self esteem and therefore feeling better myself as a whole.
Especially as I am going through this emotionally trying time, my mother being on her final months/years. Some days I'm great. Some days I feel like shit. Some days I'm angry at everyone or I can't stop crying or whatever it is and a really nice looking and feeling me, makes me feel better. A week or two ago I got these REALLY cute turquoise jeans, originally from target for almost $30, I got them at goodwill, never worn- all the tags still in tact, for $7. and they were so cute and I felt great. and they were cheap and etc. You get the jist. Cute clothes and self act as a self esteem booster. Which sometimes I need when my friends aren't around as much.

So here is my plan for the rest of the semester and onward through the summer.
1. Teeth: whitened and healthier.
        a. I had bought a great mouthwash a while ago and now I'm actually going to start using it
        b. I started the baking soda regimen. I have heard such good things about it. You basically just                            ______brush your teeth with baking soda once a day and it supposed to remove the stains. It says in ______about 2      weeks I should have a noticeable difference in my smile. Yay! Can't wait.
2. Hair: new color and cut(?)
        a. I want to dye my hair because I've never really done it before and It is time for a change and I ______will be able to handle it this time. I am going between light auburn and honey brown.
____b. The picture of Jayma Mays is what I am thinking of for the auburn category.

____c. The picture of Emma Watson is in the direction that I'm thinking of. If I could find a shade between Jayma and Emma that would be perfect. Kinda brown but kinda red/orangish without looking dumb.

Unfortunately, no matter what hair color I decide upon, I have to be able to afford to get it done at a salon or hope I get the results I want out of the box. and then at that point, I have to get color safe shampoo and conditioner and I have to figure out what to do when my roots come in, etc. It is a lot of up keep that I don't really care all that much about.

However. I do know that I need a change in my style and look and how I feel and hair is a big part of that. and Also I want to go lighter for spring. (I posted a status about this on facebook and some bitchy girl I've talked to 3 times was like 'those would be horrible for you, try these' and she proceeded to show me the ugliest, darkest red brown hair styles I have ever seen. yuck.)

3. Exercise: the dreaded exercising. It is good for me. and I almost never do it. and I really should, especially if I want to wear clothes that look good on me and that I feel good in. Also, If i want to be able to fit back into the bras I've been popping out of. I want this tummy to be smaller and my legs to be stronger. I should go to the gym tomorrow with Emma. yea. 

I'm already formulating a plan of dietary action in my head for when i'm back at school: cereal for breakfast and piece of fruit, salad/fruit and some sort of protein at lunch, veggie sandwich at subway for dinner. Now to try to do something like that while I'm at home too..

4. Clothes. I need new clothes. I am a thrift store shopper because i'm poor and because of my decision to go with thrift store clothes, 1. a lot of their items lose their appeal after 6 months 2. they will be stained or too short but you buy it because its cheap. Since I'm hoping to lose about 10 lbs during this process, clothes will be last since I don't want to buy for the undesirable body I currently have. I want those dresses to fit again. I can't really wear them as much because my boobs have gotten too big and they pop out. I want to be able to wear a tight shirt with skinny jeans and not feel self conscious about my stomach or my breast. 

Also I just need new pieces. and I need to make myself a style book because I think I run out of ideas too quickly. I don't always know what would go good with what until someone points it out to me.

5. Skin. My face has always been an issue. It has been slightly more in control now that I use a cleanser and a moisturizer once a day everyday. My skin is usually very red. my pores are very large and i have scattered acne. I will try to cleanse more at night and switch to a moisturizer that will minimize my pores to make my pores invisible and my skin smooth. I want to look like how I would with makeup on. I don't like wearing makeup because it clogs my pores. I'd like to be able to not wear makeup everyday and still look and feel amazing. 

Let's hope I can actually stick to this resolution. I really need to be good with myself before I can face the impending doom of my mom's death.

my life at its current moment

with all that is going on with my mom, I have become very stressed out.

I see my sister and she is so sad. she is already grieving.

me? I'm not nearly there. this is just a phase of life that I've dealt with. or really avoided dealing with. and in my situation, it is sorta important that i do avoid it. if i truly accepted it, nothing would get done. i wouldn't go to class, i wouldn't do well on homework or turn it in on time. i wouldn't be able to drive back to school every weekend like i keep doing. i have to keep  myself together or i will get absolutely nothing accomplished. I've already started think far into the future: i have an essay due in april with a preview due in a few weeks, I have a poetry presentation in 3 weeks. i already have my piece picked out. i have a choir concert in 3 weeks. i still need to get a better white shirt. I have to buy tickets to see the other shows for the season. i need to work them into my schedule. I'm hoping to go to a wedding in june. i'm looking at train schedules already.

and when i'm not thinking of petty little things that if i dont think of now will jump out and scare me and i'll never get them done, i'm thinking about the future of my life. and start planning for that.

when should i buy my dress for the funeral. i want to have it ahead of time so i'm not trying to pick one out while sobbing.
when would we sell the house. jimmy would have a fit. he wants to live there forever.
emma (and possibly me) would get an apartment. sasha would go with her. oscar goes with me. Dad gets Jelly.
would dad start dating again? get remarried? he would be smoking for sure. him getting lung cancer is the last thing we need right now.
jimmy needs to get a job. if dad says, support the family you do it. swallow your pride for once in your god damned life.
what if she dies before this semester ends? what if she dies while she's on vacation? what if she dies in the middle of next semester. or while i'm studying abroad in italy.
does she want to buried? where?
a lot of these are selfish thoughts, but i dont know what else to think. this is where my mind is at right now. i'm barely wrapping my brain around this whole thing.

i get it. she'll be gone. but i haven't really accepted it. and i can't until the semester is over.


when i was in 4th grade i had this weird feeling i would be in one of those "special families". where the parents are divorced or one of them is dead or something. 4th grade me was right. here we are. its weird that 10 year old me prophesied this event. i hope that isn't to say i willed it.


mom is so stressed out. she's not even at work any more! the rest of her life is spending time with friends and family and going on vacation! and she's stressing herself out in every way she can. about the trips. all the planning. all the different ways she could do whatever she's trying to do. whether or not she goes on chemo or avastin or whatever the drug is. how to work it into the schedule. she's so grumpy that she clearly doesn't want me around telling her about my petty problems. and i get it. she's dying. its stressful. but she's making this so much harder on herself. lets fly instead of drive. its easier. lets not worry about the money right now.

now i'm beginning to think, it wasn't her work that was stressing her out, its her. its her lack of ability to know how to cope with her problems and how to relax when things stress her out. she's dying and she's going to let the last memories of her family be negative stressful ones. figures.
we can't even go on our hawaii vacation anymore. our one last family vacation. and its not going to happen. and by that time she'll be a goner. and she'll be so exhausted from her 18 other vacations she wont be able to go anywhere. nor will she want to because she'll be so irritated with all of us she wont want to spend time with us anymore.

i'm a little surprised she still gets as mad at me as she does. you'd think when you hear you're dying to start treating everyone the way you want to be treating them. start being greatful for all that we do. and trying to spend as much time with your 18 year old daughter while you can. i skip my thursday friday classes to be here with you mom. and you dont give a shit. you're too busy with all your vacations. i just dont get it. this is so frustrating.

I am a dreamer

I am a dreamer. and by that I feel like I am capable of doing anything.

Yesterday, I watched an episode of Chicago Fire (an amazing show might I add. more people should watch it) and I immediately wanted to be a fire. Being courageous, helping people, being unafraid of anything.

A few hours before that, someone suggested to me that I become a professional improviser, take classes at second city (which I would absolutely love). Think about it. I could be performing at second city. maybe i'll be the next Tina Fey or Kristen Wiig. I'll go to Saturday Night Live. Live in New York. I would love that too.

Or maybe I'll be columnist for newspaper. write color pieces about how awkward everyone is. How snow in chicago is awful. how i'm surprised people still actively live in places where it snows a lot. or i'll write about myself. and my life and what is going on.

Maybe i'll be a film critic or a theatre critic. i would love that too. i get to watch movies and plays for free, then i get to rant all i want about how many things i had problems with. or the things i loved. i would that too!

I also want to be a wedding planner. I already have 2 giant binders full of pictures. I can't help that i love weddings. but would i want to deal with all those bridezillas... maybe not.

I also want to be a mom. maybe just be a homemaker. I know how backwards that seems. I have this huge list of career options and one of them is housewife? but having a family is really important to me. and I wouldn't mind not working for a while.

or I could be what I am currently working towards which is a director for the stage. and I would love that too. the question is how do I get into that market.... hmm..

all the things I want to be
-get famous from youtube
-be a famous singer or actor
-homemaker
-director
-critic
-columnist
-some sort of writer
-wedding planner
-princess
-firefighter
-improviser
-actor
-baker
-own a restaurant

plus many more. and yet. because i'm a normal person, a lot of these wont happen

and because im not just focused on one, i'm going to be lost when it comes to actually getting a career. YIKES.