with all that is going on with my mom, I have become very stressed out.
I see my sister and she is so sad. she is already grieving.
me? I'm not nearly there. this is just a phase of life that I've dealt with. or really avoided dealing with. and in my situation, it is sorta important that i do avoid it. if i truly accepted it, nothing would get done. i wouldn't go to class, i wouldn't do well on homework or turn it in on time. i wouldn't be able to drive back to school every weekend like i keep doing. i have to keep myself together or i will get absolutely nothing accomplished. I've already started think far into the future: i have an essay due in april with a preview due in a few weeks, I have a poetry presentation in 3 weeks. i already have my piece picked out. i have a choir concert in 3 weeks. i still need to get a better white shirt. I have to buy tickets to see the other shows for the season. i need to work them into my schedule. I'm hoping to go to a wedding in june. i'm looking at train schedules already.
and when i'm not thinking of petty little things that if i dont think of now will jump out and scare me and i'll never get them done, i'm thinking about the future of my life. and start planning for that.
when should i buy my dress for the funeral. i want to have it ahead of time so i'm not trying to pick one out while sobbing.
when would we sell the house. jimmy would have a fit. he wants to live there forever.
emma (and possibly me) would get an apartment. sasha would go with her. oscar goes with me. Dad gets Jelly.
would dad start dating again? get remarried? he would be smoking for sure. him getting lung cancer is the last thing we need right now.
jimmy needs to get a job. if dad says, support the family you do it. swallow your pride for once in your god damned life.
what if she dies before this semester ends? what if she dies while she's on vacation? what if she dies in the middle of next semester. or while i'm studying abroad in italy.
does she want to buried? where?
a lot of these are selfish thoughts, but i dont know what else to think. this is where my mind is at right now. i'm barely wrapping my brain around this whole thing.
i get it. she'll be gone. but i haven't really accepted it. and i can't until the semester is over.
when i was in 4th grade i had this weird feeling i would be in one of those "special families". where the parents are divorced or one of them is dead or something. 4th grade me was right. here we are. its weird that 10 year old me prophesied this event. i hope that isn't to say i willed it.
mom is so stressed out. she's not even at work any more! the rest of her life is spending time with friends and family and going on vacation! and she's stressing herself out in every way she can. about the trips. all the planning. all the different ways she could do whatever she's trying to do. whether or not she goes on chemo or avastin or whatever the drug is. how to work it into the schedule. she's so grumpy that she clearly doesn't want me around telling her about my petty problems. and i get it. she's dying. its stressful. but she's making this so much harder on herself. lets fly instead of drive. its easier. lets not worry about the money right now.
now i'm beginning to think, it wasn't her work that was stressing her out, its her. its her lack of ability to know how to cope with her problems and how to relax when things stress her out. she's dying and she's going to let the last memories of her family be negative stressful ones. figures.
we can't even go on our hawaii vacation anymore. our one last family vacation. and its not going to happen. and by that time she'll be a goner. and she'll be so exhausted from her 18 other vacations she wont be able to go anywhere. nor will she want to because she'll be so irritated with all of us she wont want to spend time with us anymore.
i'm a little surprised she still gets as mad at me as she does. you'd think when you hear you're dying to start treating everyone the way you want to be treating them. start being greatful for all that we do. and trying to spend as much time with your 18 year old daughter while you can. i skip my thursday friday classes to be here with you mom. and you dont give a shit. you're too busy with all your vacations. i just dont get it. this is so frustrating.
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