yea so I sorta failed at that "start writing every day" thing. but maybe I'll try to blog at least once a week. I mean, when I'm bored and I'm on my computer and I'm procrastinating from my homework, what better way than to journal it all out.
I don't really talk about my feelings enough. I used to talk about them all the time. but my one best friend now is super distant, the other really good friend I had apparently thought I was overbearing and ended our friendship rather abruptly. So those two friends, plus my current boyfriend (and sometimes my roommates) are the only people I really talk about my true feelings to.
I complain. I talk about what annoys me and angers me. but I don't talk about the heavy stuff. like, oh my mom dying of cancer sometime within the next year. My uncle who just died very suddenly. My 25 year old brother who still hasn't moved out the house. the fact that my dad picked smoking back up because my mom was diagnosed with cancer. like seriously? your wife is dying of cancer and your solution is to turn to cigarettes.
I want to puke. both emotionally and literally. I ate some weird fried rice and it was so gross and my stomach hurts a lot. I should take an ibuprofen. maybe it'll hurt less.
I took some. hopefully by the end of this post, I'll be feeling somewhat better. :( bluh.
I went to this open mic thing today with my roommates. I wasn't really in the mood for it, but I had never been and its my sophomore year so I thought I'd give it go. It was eh. kinda boring actually. and the fact that its at 12am really doesn't thrill me. I probably won't go again.
This one girl read a poem about this girl who went to camp where she worked. and how she was so sweet. but that her father had murdered her mother. and her father was in prison. she had been living with her grandmother. and the girl reading this poem, said she went to the bathroom to cry, and the little girl said, "you remind me of my mom". It made me want to cry. of course, with the current situation with my mother, anything like this especially about moms, makes me sad.
(side note, at the improv troupe audition/callbacks, there were two references to cancer. and I felt super awkward and sad. like seriously? you don't talk about that. especially not here)
There was also a guy there who I've recently met who performed. When we first met, he actually sorta hit on me. He sat down at my table at dinner time and struck up a conversation. It was actually quite refreshing. However charming he was, I have a boyfriend. but this guy makes me smile. He was at improv callbacks. we did scenes together. He's in my chem class. He's funny. and seemingly sweet. and I feel bad saying these things since I've been dating my boyfriend for 27 months now. Over two years. and yet. I feel more and more sure that he's not actually the one for me. He's sweet and loving and kind but I think I've just been kidding myself this whole time. I didn't have friends, but I had him. We get along, we joke, we're playful. Within the first two months of us dating, my mom was diagnosed with cancer (for the first time, back in 2011) and my family is really dysfunctional. and he was an escape. a way to get out of the house, away from my crazy parents and siblings and into a neutral house.
big note, we're currently long distance. He goes to school in Atlanta. and I'm, here. and that is several states away. and it sucks. it really really sucks. and I don't know if its easier to analyze my relationship with him when we're farther away, since all I can rely on are how we communicate (text, phone call, skype) or if being apart is unreliable because I miss him and there are guys on campus who are available and close to me vs my boyfriend who is really far away from which is super inconvenient when you're crying and sad and you need a hug. So for all I know, I am being completely crazy even considering this other guy as an option. but right now, I don't feel connected to my boyfriend. He says i miss you. and I say i miss you too. and I can't tell if i miss him, or just having a boyfriend. having someone to talk to all the time. getting kissed when you're feeling awful about everything. so is my boyfriend actually the man I want to marry? I don't know anymore. not like we'd be married anytime soon. but still. I don't see him with kids. I don't see him at the end of the aisle, and he's struggling with his weight right now. He has a sensitive stomach so he has trouble keeping weight on. and if his image changed, maybe my feelings would change. I know that sounds super superficial but that's how I feel at the moment.
(don't you hate when you start crying while writing your blog post and your roommates comes back from her shower and you feel like you have to suck it up, keep it together, stay composed. yea well that sucks a lot)
BLUGHAOJLKEJFLAJDFLJ. :( I feel guilty for being attracted to this other guy, who for all I know thinks that I am just another person. the grass isn't always greener. but I also don't want to stay in this relationship if I'm not getting all that I need. I want to be able to sit and talk for hours about nothing. about potatoes or hopscotch and one conversation melts into another into another and then you look at the time, "holy crap is 11pm". I want a guy who'd make romantic gestures. Who believes in chivalry, even if only a little bit. someone who's strong physically and mentally. determined, organized. witty, intelligent. things like that. and sometimes I don't think my boyfriend is like that, nor could he be. but the distance does tend to blur my feelings about him, so I can't really act on anything.
every time I think about, "am I really happy in this relationship, or pretending I am?" and every time I become unsure of this relationship, which is a lot, I think of that scene from 500 days of summer. when Tom finds out Summer is engaged, he asks her why not him, why couldn't they work out. and she said something like "every morning I wake up knowing for sure that I'm supposed to be with my husband, and with you, everyday I'd wonder if this was the right decision"
am i oppressing myself? am I forcing myself to stay in this relationship simply because I want it to work. because I wanted to prove myself that I wasn't a serial dater. and they do say you're supposed to fall in love like 7 times before you get married or whatever, and your first love usually isn't the one. and he's probably not. and i'll be sad to lose him if I decide to. ;/ we'll just have to wait and see I guess. but my constant uncertainty isn't a good sign.
also, I feel like I don't even need to be at school. I don't feel like I am a part of this department. I don't feel very welcomed nor do I really invite myself in. I'm an introvert in an extroverted field and that scares me. I feel like I so easily fall to the back. and there's where I want to be, because I don't want to have to fight for the attention, yell over everyone, work with people I find hypocritical and selfish and arrogant. I don't want to work with the people who write poems about why women are expected to be pretty yet arrives very well dressed for the occasion. As a director, I would have the power, which I like. but do I want to go through years of script analysis for something I'm only mildly interested in? I'd rather own a bridal salon. or be a wedding planner. or be a film critic. (which you need a journalism degree for which is super dumb) or just be a mom.
I like to write. and I like being creative.
I want to write books for people who don't read. and draw awful sketches.
I want to make my blog into a book for teens who are looking for answers, and knowing that someone else out there is also struggling, is answer enough.
I want to sing. I want people to hear my voice and think its beautiful. and tell me I should sing for all to hear because they love it so much.
There are so many things I want to do, and while I really love the idea of theatre, I've done it for years and years now, I don't think I really fit in here either. maybe i'll finish off the semester, and not take theatre courses next semester. (if i'm even here next semester, again. another thing that is constantly hanging over me) maybe i'll finish off my gen eds and i'll continue to minor in cinema, and i'll major in business? or creative writing. or fashion. or something. I have no clue. and that is a really scary feeling. maybe I'll take an italian class and learn italian and move to italy. who knows what will happen with my life. where life will take me, but its really fucking scary. and I want to cry a lot.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Sunday, August 4, 2013
I need to start writing every day
Here's what happened today
woke up
picked up my prescription- the person in front of me took forever. bluh
had breakfast with Olivia. had amazing banana pancakes.
then freaked out some more about college and packing and auditions. I brought up some boxes from the basement and started doing an inventory so I know what I need to buy. Thankfully I printed out my resume and sheet music for my audition. However, I still need my headshots and I need to memorize my monologue, in nine days.... yikes!! oh and did I mention I have to relearn an entire class for tutoring? yea... that too.. bluh >< still freaking out
I forgot to eat lunch, so I ate late.
then my family and I went to one of my mom's friend's house from high school. We've known them for years. They have kids our age. A lot of the kids were working or at school or whatever. so it wasn't as fun as normal. but my boyfriend came so that was fun. I was reminded that I'm horrible at any sports or games, failing miserably at bean bags and volleyball. I ate way too much food.
also I think I am now officially allergic to onions. almost threw up. yea. gross. bluh.
and then devin and i watched some jeopardy and the snotty guy won and no fun.
Plans for Tomorrow
woke up
picked up my prescription- the person in front of me took forever. bluh
had breakfast with Olivia. had amazing banana pancakes.
then freaked out some more about college and packing and auditions. I brought up some boxes from the basement and started doing an inventory so I know what I need to buy. Thankfully I printed out my resume and sheet music for my audition. However, I still need my headshots and I need to memorize my monologue, in nine days.... yikes!! oh and did I mention I have to relearn an entire class for tutoring? yea... that too.. bluh >< still freaking out
I forgot to eat lunch, so I ate late.
then my family and I went to one of my mom's friend's house from high school. We've known them for years. They have kids our age. A lot of the kids were working or at school or whatever. so it wasn't as fun as normal. but my boyfriend came so that was fun. I was reminded that I'm horrible at any sports or games, failing miserably at bean bags and volleyball. I ate way too much food.
also I think I am now officially allergic to onions. almost threw up. yea. gross. bluh.
and then devin and i watched some jeopardy and the snotty guy won and no fun.
Plans for Tomorrow
- move more boxes upstairs
- do an inventory and continue my list of things to buy for college
- work on memorizing my monologue, cut a little for time.
- pick up photo prints from walgreens- if ready
- go to dr. b
- find a place for my winter clothes so I can start packing things into my laundry basket
- bring my green chair downstairs for college.
- figure out what to pack my shoes in.
okay so maybe I won't do all of that tomorrow, but most of it.
oh, and watch a lot of jeopardy.
and sleeping.
Friday, June 7, 2013
I got cranky
I got cranky.
I was tired. didn't get enough sleep.
and it doesn't help that it is that time of the month
and that I was forced into a room with 60 loud and proud theatre kids who all know each other sine birth and i have to pretend like i am comfortable enough with this kind of atmosphere, an atmosphere in which i feel almost voiceless, because its for my new job.
thankfully this was an all employee day, so i won't be working with the majority of these people on a daily basis. but still. being an introvert is hard. i get anxious and overwhelmed. in large groups of people with big personalities i immediately take a back seat. i shine in smaller groups.
so it's not surprising that I wanted to cry when i got in the car, came home, scratched my mom's car, even better, and then ate a bunch of chocolate.
three ghiradelli squares, a chocolate egg and 3 whoppers.
and later a bowl of sugary cereal.
and then half a bowl of popcorn.
i don't want to give up on this diet. I don't. but i'm getting upset that I haven't been exercising enough, and my mom isn't home yet, and I won't get to talk to her about getting our treadmill until tuesday really and I only have like 20 days left. and i just bought a shirt with a puckering button because i knew i could do this. and we don't have enough healthy food in the house. and neither does my boyfriend's house. and he's always busy with work or his friends. or when he's not busy he's tired from whatever. so he comes over and the first thing he does is basically nap on my couch while watching tv. i'm sorry. but if you have to get up at 6am for work, try going to bed earlier than 12. i won't have you sleeping on my time.
and so i was having a rough evening and tried to call, but of course he doesn't answer, and he doesn't call back because he never does. He sees I called, assumes its not important, or doesn't see his phone until he leaves. at most he'll text me saying he's about to go to bed. like thanks for not talking to me all day and then saying goodbye. jerkface. sigh. its not all his fault either. i just wanted some reassurance.
ugh. okay. i was supposed to go to bed like 90 minutes ago. and i'm already running on steam. and i have to wake up in like 7 hours. yeah. bye.
I was tired. didn't get enough sleep.
and it doesn't help that it is that time of the month
and that I was forced into a room with 60 loud and proud theatre kids who all know each other sine birth and i have to pretend like i am comfortable enough with this kind of atmosphere, an atmosphere in which i feel almost voiceless, because its for my new job.
thankfully this was an all employee day, so i won't be working with the majority of these people on a daily basis. but still. being an introvert is hard. i get anxious and overwhelmed. in large groups of people with big personalities i immediately take a back seat. i shine in smaller groups.
so it's not surprising that I wanted to cry when i got in the car, came home, scratched my mom's car, even better, and then ate a bunch of chocolate.
three ghiradelli squares, a chocolate egg and 3 whoppers.
and later a bowl of sugary cereal.
and then half a bowl of popcorn.
i don't want to give up on this diet. I don't. but i'm getting upset that I haven't been exercising enough, and my mom isn't home yet, and I won't get to talk to her about getting our treadmill until tuesday really and I only have like 20 days left. and i just bought a shirt with a puckering button because i knew i could do this. and we don't have enough healthy food in the house. and neither does my boyfriend's house. and he's always busy with work or his friends. or when he's not busy he's tired from whatever. so he comes over and the first thing he does is basically nap on my couch while watching tv. i'm sorry. but if you have to get up at 6am for work, try going to bed earlier than 12. i won't have you sleeping on my time.
and so i was having a rough evening and tried to call, but of course he doesn't answer, and he doesn't call back because he never does. He sees I called, assumes its not important, or doesn't see his phone until he leaves. at most he'll text me saying he's about to go to bed. like thanks for not talking to me all day and then saying goodbye. jerkface. sigh. its not all his fault either. i just wanted some reassurance.
ugh. okay. i was supposed to go to bed like 90 minutes ago. and i'm already running on steam. and i have to wake up in like 7 hours. yeah. bye.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
a letter to my body
dear boobs,
please react to the amount of water I've been drinking, the smaller portion sizes, and the increased level of exercise that I have been trying to keep up every day. I am aiming to lose 5 lbs in the next 3 weeks. And hopefully, if I do, the first place I will lose the weight is in my chest (which is usually what happens). I have just bought a fabulous dress for my boyfriend's sister's wedding at the end of this month. However, it fits pretty snug in the boobs, kinda squishing them down. I'd really like to be able to fit better in this dress. as well as a few other button-up shirts I have that pucker and create gaps because my boobs are simply too big to fit in the shirts.
I really just need to stay motivated, watch what i'm putting in my body, continue drinking water, and get my body moving and heart pumping on a daily basis. I'm most worried about burning off enough calories a day as well as what i'm eating. I've been trying to eat healthier but a lot of times there isn't a healthy option. My house, as well as boyfriend's house, doesn't really stock up on a lot of fruits and vegetables, making it hard for me not to eat the fried foods and cookies.
I also wish my boyfriend was more supportive of my need to lose weight. He understands and supports it, but its hard to watch him eat cookies and haul out the giant bag of hershey's candy bars when i'm eating a salad. I really have to start cutting back.
so please body, do what you can with what i'm giving you, i'll try harder tomorrow.
love,
julia
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
number on the scale
so, as you know, a while ago i had a fitness goal to bikini ready by the time I made it to hawaii. unfortunately that didn't happen. school and homework and other things got in the way.
A few days ago I stepped on the scale and reached a number I've never been before. 150. now that isn't overweight, its in the healthy zone. for some people, 150 is a great number- assuming those pounds are muscle instead of fat.
I of course, am made of fat. so i've become motivated once again.
I want to be able to get back to 130. I want to be able to not spill out bras that weren't bought too long ago. I want to be able to wear more dresses and tops and not worry about the buttons puckering or gaping or my boobs making me look top heavy.
Thankfully the first two places that I gain weight are my stomach/midsection and my breasts.
This summer I'm working at a theatre camp for kids, ages 6-7, so I'm hoping that this does a lot of good for me. I'll be active 6 hours a day 5 days a week. playing with the kids, dancing with them, being on my feet, etc. Also, with my sister also having a job that is 5 days a week, I am going to have to bike to work which is a blessing in disguise. It's only about 4 miles to work. I took the bike trip today and it took me about 35 minutes.
So 35 minute bike ride (cardio), then 6 hours of work, then 35 minute bike ride home. AND my family will hopefully be getting some sort of exercise machine, an elliptical or a treadmill or something. (my parents gave me a 3 month gym membership for my birthday to use during the summer, but this makes more sense) So I'm hoping that staying active and biking and not just sitting around all the time will help.
I'm going to my boyfriend's sister's wedding at the end of the month. which is 25 days from now. I'm hoping that having three weeks of work, and biking every day, and hopefully watching what I eat and how much, drinking plenty of water, and getting that treadmill for extra workouts on the weekends. so maybe with all of that, I'll be able to lose even just 5 lbs (in my chest) and i'll be able to fit into this great little dress that i just bought (but pushed my boobs down in an awkward way). It's a beautiful dress. and i want to be beautiful in it.
not that i'm doing this just for vanity's sake. i'm doing it to get healthy and also to save myself some money. If i keep gaining weight, i'll have to buy new clothes that i can fit into. If i lose some weight, I'll be able to continue wearing what i've got (not that i wouldn't mind a new wardrobe)
here's hoping. :)
A few days ago I stepped on the scale and reached a number I've never been before. 150. now that isn't overweight, its in the healthy zone. for some people, 150 is a great number- assuming those pounds are muscle instead of fat.
I of course, am made of fat. so i've become motivated once again.
I want to be able to get back to 130. I want to be able to not spill out bras that weren't bought too long ago. I want to be able to wear more dresses and tops and not worry about the buttons puckering or gaping or my boobs making me look top heavy.
Thankfully the first two places that I gain weight are my stomach/midsection and my breasts.
This summer I'm working at a theatre camp for kids, ages 6-7, so I'm hoping that this does a lot of good for me. I'll be active 6 hours a day 5 days a week. playing with the kids, dancing with them, being on my feet, etc. Also, with my sister also having a job that is 5 days a week, I am going to have to bike to work which is a blessing in disguise. It's only about 4 miles to work. I took the bike trip today and it took me about 35 minutes.
So 35 minute bike ride (cardio), then 6 hours of work, then 35 minute bike ride home. AND my family will hopefully be getting some sort of exercise machine, an elliptical or a treadmill or something. (my parents gave me a 3 month gym membership for my birthday to use during the summer, but this makes more sense) So I'm hoping that staying active and biking and not just sitting around all the time will help.
I'm going to my boyfriend's sister's wedding at the end of the month. which is 25 days from now. I'm hoping that having three weeks of work, and biking every day, and hopefully watching what I eat and how much, drinking plenty of water, and getting that treadmill for extra workouts on the weekends. so maybe with all of that, I'll be able to lose even just 5 lbs (in my chest) and i'll be able to fit into this great little dress that i just bought (but pushed my boobs down in an awkward way). It's a beautiful dress. and i want to be beautiful in it.
not that i'm doing this just for vanity's sake. i'm doing it to get healthy and also to save myself some money. If i keep gaining weight, i'll have to buy new clothes that i can fit into. If i lose some weight, I'll be able to continue wearing what i've got (not that i wouldn't mind a new wardrobe)
here's hoping. :)
Friday, April 12, 2013
college friends
I don't know where all the college people met their group of new best friends because all my 'friends' are fake.
a few a met through my department. they were nice, funny, but kept to themselves, acted like selfish jerks, etc. they don't talk to me unless talked to. and in general, i've learned that i don't really appreciate their company.
there's a few acquaintances i made through classes that didn't last past the class ending.
i have one friend i have lunch with like once a month, who seems like we'll be really close but then she gets too busy to talk.
i have another friend who seems like we could be real friends but she lives in a different dorm than me and it makes it hard since we don't have any classes together and we really have to go out of our way to make our schedules mesh.
but with only 2 seemingly real friends, and the rest just fakes? what kind of life is that?
and i don't mean fake, like it seems like we're good friends but they're really just gossiping bitches or something, no. its not like that.
its like, we say hi when we see each other. and maybe have a quick chat, but nothing more. we say we're friends, but we don't actually spend the quality time that it would take to make us real friends. plus i feel like i can't talk to them about real issues without making it sound like i'm being whiny.
sigh
a few a met through my department. they were nice, funny, but kept to themselves, acted like selfish jerks, etc. they don't talk to me unless talked to. and in general, i've learned that i don't really appreciate their company.
there's a few acquaintances i made through classes that didn't last past the class ending.
i have one friend i have lunch with like once a month, who seems like we'll be really close but then she gets too busy to talk.
i have another friend who seems like we could be real friends but she lives in a different dorm than me and it makes it hard since we don't have any classes together and we really have to go out of our way to make our schedules mesh.
but with only 2 seemingly real friends, and the rest just fakes? what kind of life is that?
and i don't mean fake, like it seems like we're good friends but they're really just gossiping bitches or something, no. its not like that.
its like, we say hi when we see each other. and maybe have a quick chat, but nothing more. we say we're friends, but we don't actually spend the quality time that it would take to make us real friends. plus i feel like i can't talk to them about real issues without making it sound like i'm being whiny.
sigh
i suck at motivation
so this diet and exercise thing left just as quickly as it came. in general i'm trying to drink more water and eat less crap. but i still have hot cocoa and candy and pizza every once in a while. I'm still not really exercising and not getting enough sleep
BLURGH
i am going to look like crap in hawaii. i would say "i'll just wait until i get home" but there's no way i'll be able to pull amazing midsection and smaller boobs in 2 weeks. abs are more possible, but even if i build all the muscle up, there will be a layer of fat over it- which is why i would need cardio.
i dont like this. :/
BLURGH
i am going to look like crap in hawaii. i would say "i'll just wait until i get home" but there's no way i'll be able to pull amazing midsection and smaller boobs in 2 weeks. abs are more possible, but even if i build all the muscle up, there will be a layer of fat over it- which is why i would need cardio.
i dont like this. :/
Monday, April 8, 2013
fitness day 11
really lacking in the fitness department. I took the elevator a jillion times.
half a bowl of cheerios
soy milk
water
salami, pepperoni, super veggie sandwich on wheat
water
cookie
banana
salad: blue cheese, craisins
burger
rice
hot chocolate/coffee mix
peanut butter M&ms
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Fitness day..10?
I'm starting to get back on track for my diet.
chex cereal
soy milk
water.
like 5 pringles.
dark chocolate.
I need to make a real point of exercising every day in the lame-o dorm gym. Its close, I'll go for even just a half an hour a day. I need to. Its necessary.
chex cereal
soy milk
water.
like 5 pringles.
dark chocolate.
I need to make a real point of exercising every day in the lame-o dorm gym. Its close, I'll go for even just a half an hour a day. I need to. Its necessary.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
day 9
i'm really sucking at this fitness thing.
part of a streudel
chex cereal and soy milk
nut bar
ramen- so much sodium
chex mix
bowl of chocolate ice cream with peanut butter and hot fudge in a waffle cone bowl
pretzels and cream cheese
small square of lasagna
awesome fruit smoothie: 100% juice, strawberries, mangoe, peaches, part of a banana, kiwi. I was disappointed that we didn't have any kale or spinach for me to throw in
2 cookies i felt gross eating.
this was not a great day for food. This will be easier when i'm back on campus and picking an apple over cereal is so much easier.
i tried doing the harry potter work out today. it was hard! and it was weird when i wasn't moving. I fast forwarded though some parts, and in the end I just got bored. I probably exercised for like 20 minutes/half hour at most.
I decided not to go to the show with my mom and sister. 1 part of me is like, i missed spending time with my mom. but while i was home i packed up the majority of my stuff, worked on a paper, and picked a prose piece for an assignment, sorted laundry, etc. and I would've been dragged to mom's friend's party and apparently everyone was really drunk and racist. So I'm glad I stayed home.
I had yet another argument with my boyfriend. and when i finally called him, everything was better. everything is better when i can hear his voice. he doesn't get how powerful that is for me. very powerful. We fight more over text. we fight less when we hear what the other is saying, and tone of voice, etc. I hope we stay together. I need him to be here for me. I just need him to be more supportive. and if he can't do that, then I'm afraid it would be time to let him go. He would be making everything more difficult for me when he is supposed to be making it easier.
but the phone call went very well so that makes me happy.
I think I'll go to bed now. You need a good night's sleep if you want to get healthy now.
tomorrow i will write another page of my essay and type up the parts of the book i want to use for my prose. Then i will finish packing up and be on my way, back to school.
part of a streudel
chex cereal and soy milk
nut bar
ramen- so much sodium
chex mix
bowl of chocolate ice cream with peanut butter and hot fudge in a waffle cone bowl
pretzels and cream cheese
small square of lasagna
awesome fruit smoothie: 100% juice, strawberries, mangoe, peaches, part of a banana, kiwi. I was disappointed that we didn't have any kale or spinach for me to throw in
2 cookies i felt gross eating.
this was not a great day for food. This will be easier when i'm back on campus and picking an apple over cereal is so much easier.
i tried doing the harry potter work out today. it was hard! and it was weird when i wasn't moving. I fast forwarded though some parts, and in the end I just got bored. I probably exercised for like 20 minutes/half hour at most.
I decided not to go to the show with my mom and sister. 1 part of me is like, i missed spending time with my mom. but while i was home i packed up the majority of my stuff, worked on a paper, and picked a prose piece for an assignment, sorted laundry, etc. and I would've been dragged to mom's friend's party and apparently everyone was really drunk and racist. So I'm glad I stayed home.
I had yet another argument with my boyfriend. and when i finally called him, everything was better. everything is better when i can hear his voice. he doesn't get how powerful that is for me. very powerful. We fight more over text. we fight less when we hear what the other is saying, and tone of voice, etc. I hope we stay together. I need him to be here for me. I just need him to be more supportive. and if he can't do that, then I'm afraid it would be time to let him go. He would be making everything more difficult for me when he is supposed to be making it easier.
but the phone call went very well so that makes me happy.
I think I'll go to bed now. You need a good night's sleep if you want to get healthy now.
tomorrow i will write another page of my essay and type up the parts of the book i want to use for my prose. Then i will finish packing up and be on my way, back to school.
Friday, April 5, 2013
day 8
I did a bunch of crunches this morning before I took a shower.
and then my sister and i shopped for 4 hours, which was exhausting. I think that counts as a workout, right? I was up and moving for 4 hours
food log
rice chex cereal
soy milk
2 fried eggs
2 toasted wheat bread slices
1 piece of colby jack cheese
1 sprinkle of mozzarella cheese
power bar
popcorn
1/4 cup rice left overs
1/16 piece of garlic bread
wheat toast with chunky peanut butter
dark chocolate m&ms (i finished off the bag >< )
I've noticed that the more I am at home, the LESS fruit I eat. partly because the majority of the fruit we have is frozen, for smoothies. and also because no one has time to grocery shop for anything.
So tomorrow is saturday and I have yet to figure out how exactly I will be getting home on sunday.
I could drive and then decide if i want to come home next weekend. Staying through the week is sounding pretty good right about now. However, If i take the BUS, then that means when I do eventually go home, I won't have a car, but I will have lots of laundry that needs to be done. I could a) put all the laundry in my duffle bag and just wash it when I get home, take the bus again. or b) I could drive and park it for over a week....
either way i have to figure it out SOON.
and then my sister and i shopped for 4 hours, which was exhausting. I think that counts as a workout, right? I was up and moving for 4 hours
food log
rice chex cereal
soy milk
2 fried eggs
2 toasted wheat bread slices
1 piece of colby jack cheese
1 sprinkle of mozzarella cheese
power bar
popcorn
1/4 cup rice left overs
1/16 piece of garlic bread
wheat toast with chunky peanut butter
dark chocolate m&ms (i finished off the bag >< )
I've noticed that the more I am at home, the LESS fruit I eat. partly because the majority of the fruit we have is frozen, for smoothies. and also because no one has time to grocery shop for anything.
So tomorrow is saturday and I have yet to figure out how exactly I will be getting home on sunday.
I could drive and then decide if i want to come home next weekend. Staying through the week is sounding pretty good right about now. However, If i take the BUS, then that means when I do eventually go home, I won't have a car, but I will have lots of laundry that needs to be done. I could a) put all the laundry in my duffle bag and just wash it when I get home, take the bus again. or b) I could drive and park it for over a week....
either way i have to figure it out SOON.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Fitness day 7
starting off not too bad
chex/corn flakes in my cereal. both gluten free. (still not convinced that i have a clean bill of health)
vitamins.
handful of pringles ><
mango sorbet
peanuts
chicken noodle soup. (100 calories a serving)
5 crackers, i discovered they weren't good soup crackers :/
dark chocolate m&ms.
a LOT of water. It feels like i'm drowning! but all the websites say that the continued drinking of water helps flush out that water weight. and god knows i just love to dehydrate myself. Lets hope this works.
one half of a chocolate chip english muffin with strawberry cream cheese
a single serving size bag of kettle korn.
going to work out at the gym with my mom soon. That is a step in the right direction, both for my health and for my mom.
I hope if I stretch out my left leg enough I'll be able to do the cardio that I need. Yesterday I wasn't able to do more than like 10 minutes because of the Achilles. Hopefully today will be better. and i'll be working harder that's for sure.
at the gym, this time my foot acted up. the muscles in my instep as well as on the top of it were pulling, making it hard to go on the elliptical. however, i did go for over 25 minutes. 2 miles. 200 calories. I realized i run faster when i'm watching tv versus when i'm just listening to my ipod.
then i did 500 meters on the rowing machine.
then i did some chest presses, leg presses, one 'ab' machine. it didn't seem to be working. the assisted lift machine as well as doing 100 crunches! yea yea!
I should make a goal to do 100 crunches a day. or every night before i go to bed. Stomach definition is what i'm going for, and while I realize to get the stomach I want it is a combination of fat-burning cardio and muscle training, it'll be easier to get that toned midsection once i tone those muscles. I only have 7 weeks left to lose the 10 lbs and so far I'm not off to a great start. I need to lose a pound an a half every week to make that happen. So I REALLY have to watch what i'm eating and exercise more and harder- assuming my legs don't give me anymore trouble, and I just need to bust it out. Eating the way I normally would and just exercising more often, will only help a little. Especially when you're hungry after exercising and you eat back all the calories you just lost. or even adding more than you lost.
I hope I can keep motivated and keep moving. >< I want to look awesome. I want to fit into my bras. I want to lose 10 lbs. and I can do it. I just need to make some serious cut backs.
chex/corn flakes in my cereal. both gluten free. (still not convinced that i have a clean bill of health)
vitamins.
handful of pringles ><
mango sorbet
peanuts
chicken noodle soup. (100 calories a serving)
5 crackers, i discovered they weren't good soup crackers :/
dark chocolate m&ms.
a LOT of water. It feels like i'm drowning! but all the websites say that the continued drinking of water helps flush out that water weight. and god knows i just love to dehydrate myself. Lets hope this works.
one half of a chocolate chip english muffin with strawberry cream cheese
a single serving size bag of kettle korn.
going to work out at the gym with my mom soon. That is a step in the right direction, both for my health and for my mom.
I hope if I stretch out my left leg enough I'll be able to do the cardio that I need. Yesterday I wasn't able to do more than like 10 minutes because of the Achilles. Hopefully today will be better. and i'll be working harder that's for sure.
at the gym, this time my foot acted up. the muscles in my instep as well as on the top of it were pulling, making it hard to go on the elliptical. however, i did go for over 25 minutes. 2 miles. 200 calories. I realized i run faster when i'm watching tv versus when i'm just listening to my ipod.
then i did 500 meters on the rowing machine.
then i did some chest presses, leg presses, one 'ab' machine. it didn't seem to be working. the assisted lift machine as well as doing 100 crunches! yea yea!
I should make a goal to do 100 crunches a day. or every night before i go to bed. Stomach definition is what i'm going for, and while I realize to get the stomach I want it is a combination of fat-burning cardio and muscle training, it'll be easier to get that toned midsection once i tone those muscles. I only have 7 weeks left to lose the 10 lbs and so far I'm not off to a great start. I need to lose a pound an a half every week to make that happen. So I REALLY have to watch what i'm eating and exercise more and harder- assuming my legs don't give me anymore trouble, and I just need to bust it out. Eating the way I normally would and just exercising more often, will only help a little. Especially when you're hungry after exercising and you eat back all the calories you just lost. or even adding more than you lost.
I hope I can keep motivated and keep moving. >< I want to look awesome. I want to fit into my bras. I want to lose 10 lbs. and I can do it. I just need to make some serious cut backs.
dream
Last night i had this dream.
I was on a theatre trip of some kind?
there was a hotel.
my friend katie snuck in, which doesnt make sense since she's in theatre too. she was wearing all black like in those spy movies. it was funny.
we were all going to a dance. and apparently i had already worn my really nice dress so i ended up wearing a denim dress. and everyone else was beautiful and i looked homely.
and then we were at a thrift store wearhouse. and they were giving us free stuff. and they gave me this kinda ugly sweater that supposedly went with my outfit. they made me wear it .
we went to this show. it started off a wicked-type production, wicked witch of the west but it wasn't a musical and then suddenly is was about peter pan. hagrid popped out of a clam shell next to me, and spoke his lines and grabbed my arm. freaky.
i went to the bathroom at the theatre to see how i looked. stupid. my boyfriend was talking to me through the phone even though we were just texting and he could see how i looked even though i didn't have the camera on. i felt weird. i turned the phone off.
and then i was in an upstairs hallway with some friends. boys i think. naming the darling kids. "william peter wendy john" (its clearly john wendy peter micheal, but my brain is special)
and we said it over and over again.
and then we were downstairs, all the theatre kids sitting cross legged. and someone asked something like, who is attractive. or who would you want to be with. and all the guys said "megan" this really pretty, snobbishly popular, full of herself girl in my department. and then other people sporadically yelled out other peoples names. no one yelled out mine. i felt unloved
and then i kept seeing this guy, in the theatre department who is sweet and tall and gives warm loving hugs. though i've only had like 2 (in real life). and he's way to old for me AND I HAVE A BOYFRIEND...
and in this DREAM. i kept staring at him because i wanted him to hold me.
and when i woke up, and it wasn't true. i was kinda sad. i realized that i want a guy who's tall and kinda strong who can really hold me tight. (it would be and added bonus for someone who understands theatre and knows what show choir is and streetcar named desire, but isn't necessary). someone who knows exactly how to comfort me. someone who knows when to talk and when to listen and can carry on intelligent and funny conversations. someone who knows jokes. someone who inspires me. someone who thinks i'm beautiful and talented. someone who is in a field I support. someone with similar beliefs and political views. someone who's going to be around for the long haul. someone who makes the grand gesture at least once. or buys flowers or chocolate. that is the guy i want. and i have a feeling he doesn't exist.
at the same time, i am a horribly selfish human being who only cares about herself and her needs and not the needs of the other person. so even if he was perfect, i wouldn't be ready for him. :(
I have a boyfriend. i feel terrible having these thoughts because my boyfriend is a wonderful human being. and he's probably the closest i'll ever get to that perfect guy. but i can't help but wonder, what it would be like somewhere else. with someone close by. with someone who maybe fits that description.
maybe...
I was on a theatre trip of some kind?
there was a hotel.
my friend katie snuck in, which doesnt make sense since she's in theatre too. she was wearing all black like in those spy movies. it was funny.
we were all going to a dance. and apparently i had already worn my really nice dress so i ended up wearing a denim dress. and everyone else was beautiful and i looked homely.
and then we were at a thrift store wearhouse. and they were giving us free stuff. and they gave me this kinda ugly sweater that supposedly went with my outfit. they made me wear it .
we went to this show. it started off a wicked-type production, wicked witch of the west but it wasn't a musical and then suddenly is was about peter pan. hagrid popped out of a clam shell next to me, and spoke his lines and grabbed my arm. freaky.
i went to the bathroom at the theatre to see how i looked. stupid. my boyfriend was talking to me through the phone even though we were just texting and he could see how i looked even though i didn't have the camera on. i felt weird. i turned the phone off.
and then i was in an upstairs hallway with some friends. boys i think. naming the darling kids. "william peter wendy john" (its clearly john wendy peter micheal, but my brain is special)
and we said it over and over again.
and then we were downstairs, all the theatre kids sitting cross legged. and someone asked something like, who is attractive. or who would you want to be with. and all the guys said "megan" this really pretty, snobbishly popular, full of herself girl in my department. and then other people sporadically yelled out other peoples names. no one yelled out mine. i felt unloved
and then i kept seeing this guy, in the theatre department who is sweet and tall and gives warm loving hugs. though i've only had like 2 (in real life). and he's way to old for me AND I HAVE A BOYFRIEND...
and in this DREAM. i kept staring at him because i wanted him to hold me.
and when i woke up, and it wasn't true. i was kinda sad. i realized that i want a guy who's tall and kinda strong who can really hold me tight. (it would be and added bonus for someone who understands theatre and knows what show choir is and streetcar named desire, but isn't necessary). someone who knows exactly how to comfort me. someone who knows when to talk and when to listen and can carry on intelligent and funny conversations. someone who knows jokes. someone who inspires me. someone who thinks i'm beautiful and talented. someone who is in a field I support. someone with similar beliefs and political views. someone who's going to be around for the long haul. someone who makes the grand gesture at least once. or buys flowers or chocolate. that is the guy i want. and i have a feeling he doesn't exist.
at the same time, i am a horribly selfish human being who only cares about herself and her needs and not the needs of the other person. so even if he was perfect, i wouldn't be ready for him. :(
I have a boyfriend. i feel terrible having these thoughts because my boyfriend is a wonderful human being. and he's probably the closest i'll ever get to that perfect guy. but i can't help but wonder, what it would be like somewhere else. with someone close by. with someone who maybe fits that description.
maybe...
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
day 6
today was another bad day as far as my diet is concerned.
food log
cheerios
soy milk
apple
white rice
soy sauce
sweet and sour-esque chicken (only had a few pieces)
apple
protein bar
banana
2 crackers
chocolate covered graham cracker
3 chocolate kisses
bowl of popcorn
half a bar of chocolate
a truffle
a ferrero roche chocolate
pringles
a bite of sorbet.
yea.. I went overboard.
Even though the day in general was good, just the ending that wasn't.
math class was fine
therapy, lots of crying. more divided feelings about my mother and our non-relationship. I'm very at war with this and my emotions and everything that is going on, etc.
spotted the on campus petting zoo.
stagecraft boring
quick lunch
moved stuff to car
PETTING ZOO PARTY. I got to pet: 5 goats, 1 mama sheep, 1 Zebu, 2 lambs, 1 alpaca, 1 pony, 1 llama, and i saw three chickens but didn't pet them.
The lambs were so sweet and little and their fur was so soft. one of them licked my finger. another one "baah"ed when i said goodbye. so adorable <3
last class of the day was cut short, got to come home early.
mom was on an, "we're having guests over" rampage. and was just a bitch to everyone.
i tried to talk to emma about it in the car but she was too busy defending mom, or herself or whatever.
we fought. again.
she went to work out. i stayed in the car.
i called my boyfriend, sobbing, for support.
all he could say was "i'm not going to know what that feels like"
all he should of said was "its awful and i know its unfair but i love you and i'll always love you"
sigh.
and then i came home and ate all that chocolate.
on the health side: this is what my workout consisted of
10ish minutes on the elliptical. burned 115 calories. my Achilles tendon was pulled in a weird way making it hard to work on the elliptical. I didn't want to pull it and put me out of exercising. I think my hip may be out of alignment also. My stride didn't feel natural.
I burned 30 calories on the rowing machine, now with real water. not even kidding. it was hard work but i liked it.
I tried the bike but my leg was still bothering me so i burned like 15 calories there. then i did some chest presses, leg presses, worked on the assisted lift machine, as well as did as many crunches as my body could handle. Having a trim stomach is the main thing I'm working towards. I don't care so much that i'm a size 6/8. or That i have big boobs (though i would like to be able to fit back into my bras again. I'm popping out!). I really just want a lean midsection. So i'm not spilling out over the top of my jeans, or have the very awkward looking 'doughnut hole".
I definitely didn't work as hard as I would've liked, since I couldn't do as much cardio.
food log
cheerios
soy milk
apple
white rice
soy sauce
sweet and sour-esque chicken (only had a few pieces)
apple
protein bar
banana
2 crackers
chocolate covered graham cracker
3 chocolate kisses
bowl of popcorn
half a bar of chocolate
a truffle
a ferrero roche chocolate
pringles
a bite of sorbet.
yea.. I went overboard.
Even though the day in general was good, just the ending that wasn't.
math class was fine
therapy, lots of crying. more divided feelings about my mother and our non-relationship. I'm very at war with this and my emotions and everything that is going on, etc.
spotted the on campus petting zoo.
stagecraft boring
quick lunch
moved stuff to car
PETTING ZOO PARTY. I got to pet: 5 goats, 1 mama sheep, 1 Zebu, 2 lambs, 1 alpaca, 1 pony, 1 llama, and i saw three chickens but didn't pet them.
The lambs were so sweet and little and their fur was so soft. one of them licked my finger. another one "baah"ed when i said goodbye. so adorable <3
last class of the day was cut short, got to come home early.
mom was on an, "we're having guests over" rampage. and was just a bitch to everyone.
i tried to talk to emma about it in the car but she was too busy defending mom, or herself or whatever.
we fought. again.
she went to work out. i stayed in the car.
i called my boyfriend, sobbing, for support.
all he could say was "i'm not going to know what that feels like"
all he should of said was "its awful and i know its unfair but i love you and i'll always love you"
sigh.
and then i came home and ate all that chocolate.
on the health side: this is what my workout consisted of
10ish minutes on the elliptical. burned 115 calories. my Achilles tendon was pulled in a weird way making it hard to work on the elliptical. I didn't want to pull it and put me out of exercising. I think my hip may be out of alignment also. My stride didn't feel natural.
I burned 30 calories on the rowing machine, now with real water. not even kidding. it was hard work but i liked it.
I tried the bike but my leg was still bothering me so i burned like 15 calories there. then i did some chest presses, leg presses, worked on the assisted lift machine, as well as did as many crunches as my body could handle. Having a trim stomach is the main thing I'm working towards. I don't care so much that i'm a size 6/8. or That i have big boobs (though i would like to be able to fit back into my bras again. I'm popping out!). I really just want a lean midsection. So i'm not spilling out over the top of my jeans, or have the very awkward looking 'doughnut hole".
I definitely didn't work as hard as I would've liked, since I couldn't do as much cardio.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
day 5
calves are doing much better, but my eating habits are worse. I'm trying to reign myself back in.
food log
honey nut cheerios
soy milk
water
apple
nut crunch bar
half of a puppy chow bar
corn dog
mac and cheese
soft pretzel
3 thin mint cookiea
I feel really bad about those. I shouldn't have had them. but i'm countering them with:
apple and broccoli salad, as well as- only having fruit for dinner tonight.
1 small all fruit smoothie.
around 20 minutes ago i became ferociously hungry. I tried to make it go away with water but no luck
6in subway sandwhich, weat bread loaded with veggies.
I think my problem with today is that at lunch, i expanded my stomach so much that It felt emptier later, but that is just a theory. maybe if i continuously eat those smaller meals, I'll be fuller. Hopefully.
After all. I will be busy from 3:45-5:45 and then 7:00-10ish. I'd technically have an hour for lunch but i'm not going to push it.
I'm considering going to the gym after the show. I am SOOOOO stressed out.
but i have too much homework to work out, seemingly.
thankfully my 3:45-5:45 event got cancelled, more time to focus on homework. but this homework is SO FRUSTRATING. i dont know what to do
food log
honey nut cheerios
soy milk
water
apple
nut crunch bar
half of a puppy chow bar
corn dog
mac and cheese
soft pretzel
3 thin mint cookiea
I feel really bad about those. I shouldn't have had them. but i'm countering them with:
apple and broccoli salad, as well as- only having fruit for dinner tonight.
1 small all fruit smoothie.
around 20 minutes ago i became ferociously hungry. I tried to make it go away with water but no luck
6in subway sandwhich, weat bread loaded with veggies.
I think my problem with today is that at lunch, i expanded my stomach so much that It felt emptier later, but that is just a theory. maybe if i continuously eat those smaller meals, I'll be fuller. Hopefully.
After all. I will be busy from 3:45-5:45 and then 7:00-10ish. I'd technically have an hour for lunch but i'm not going to push it.
I'm considering going to the gym after the show. I am SOOOOO stressed out.
but i have too much homework to work out, seemingly.
thankfully my 3:45-5:45 event got cancelled, more time to focus on homework. but this homework is SO FRUSTRATING. i dont know what to do
Monday, April 1, 2013
Fitness Day 4
I'm sad to say I really haven't exercised in the past two days or so. It's all because I pushed myself too hard and didn't stretch enough before and after exercising. Also because calf muscles are of the most important muscle for exercising, ya know, being in your legs and all. and most exercising involving your legs.
I'm trying really hard today to eat healthier and to eat LESS. that is my biggest problem. snacking and portion size. Everyone has the mentality that they need to finish what is on your plate, but the plates in the dining center are HUGE. so of course, i get more cookies or breaded crap or whatever to 'fill me up' when I was probably full like 30 minutes and 3 cookies ago. I think this diet/fitness plan is going to be very psychological for me. I just need to be able to overcome cookies and sweets and their power over me. I can have them, but in small doses.
Food log
Breakfast
original size all fruit jamba juice smoothie
mid morning snack
hummus and pretzels- which were super filling!
glass of water. (i need more water)
banana
apple slices and peanut butter
a small smoothie
'spicy italian' sandwhich loaded with veggies. easy on the meat. no condiments.
over all a pretty successful day.
I went to the rec center for the first time today with my friend Katie. We walked around the track for a while. Then we went 25/30ish minutes on the elliptical. Then we walked some more. We jogged one lap. lots of stretching and water. then we got smoothies because 1. lots of vitamins. 2. SHE HAD NEVER HAD A SMOOTHIE IN HER WHOLE LIFE. i have never heard of this. this is unheard of. I was appalled and made her get smoothies on the double. Then the 6in subway sandwiches. I am very full. I almost regret having the sandwich so soon, or doing the smoothie with the sandwich. Hopefully this means It will tie me over so I won't be hungry any more for the whole night!
Feeling good
I'm trying really hard today to eat healthier and to eat LESS. that is my biggest problem. snacking and portion size. Everyone has the mentality that they need to finish what is on your plate, but the plates in the dining center are HUGE. so of course, i get more cookies or breaded crap or whatever to 'fill me up' when I was probably full like 30 minutes and 3 cookies ago. I think this diet/fitness plan is going to be very psychological for me. I just need to be able to overcome cookies and sweets and their power over me. I can have them, but in small doses.
Food log
Breakfast
original size all fruit jamba juice smoothie
mid morning snack
hummus and pretzels- which were super filling!
glass of water. (i need more water)
banana
apple slices and peanut butter
a small smoothie
'spicy italian' sandwhich loaded with veggies. easy on the meat. no condiments.
over all a pretty successful day.
I went to the rec center for the first time today with my friend Katie. We walked around the track for a while. Then we went 25/30ish minutes on the elliptical. Then we walked some more. We jogged one lap. lots of stretching and water. then we got smoothies because 1. lots of vitamins. 2. SHE HAD NEVER HAD A SMOOTHIE IN HER WHOLE LIFE. i have never heard of this. this is unheard of. I was appalled and made her get smoothies on the double. Then the 6in subway sandwiches. I am very full. I almost regret having the sandwich so soon, or doing the smoothie with the sandwich. Hopefully this means It will tie me over so I won't be hungry any more for the whole night!
Feeling good
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Fitness journey day 3
It's easter.
not like it matters. Easter is like one of the most pointless holidays for non-religious people. You don't really give gifts on Easter. and how a rabbit got mixed up in the resurrection of jesus is beyond me.
whatever.
I was supposed to go to this easter event this morning, which i was planning on going to, but then my sister was all dressed up so i changed into a nicer dress, heels, etc. and then she said my dress was too short. I protested, saying i was wearing shorts underneath. and she still gave me that face like "you look like one of those cheap sorority skank girls (not that all sorority girls all skanky. but we all know there definitely are skanky ones). She suggested I wear leggings. I said i didn't have any, which is most likely true. They are probably back at school or hidden within the bowels of my room. She said I could borrow some of hers and then I just gave up. If she was going to be embarrassed by me, I wasn't going to bother going. I didn't want to go in the first place, and it was only an hour. She couldn't have tolerated my slightly less appropriate outfit for one hour? (why would any have a party or lunch for only one hour. seems stupid if you ask me.) RANT. BLUH. I'm getting back in my sweatpants, i feel stupid.
Food Log
life cereal w/ soy milk
daily vitamins
omega 3 vitamins.
easter lunch. (I ended up going to thing after all this fuss)
several glasses of water
medium sized portion of ham
rice
steamed broccoli and carrots, which i had to force down for how gross they tasted.
cheesy potatoes. yuck. had like one bite
a crescent roll.
a bite or two of bread pudding
a chocolate egg- 140 calories ><
water
popcorn
gross protein bar.
water.
like 8 peanuts
2 peanut butter patties and 4 thin mints. (i'm trying to get rid of the sweets in my room. i thought it was early enough in the process, that I'll be able to work it off, hopefully)
too much food for someone on a diet, though i tried to keep the portion size down and i most certainly did not clear my plate.
I woke up SUPER sore this morning, especially in my calves. I've been trying to stretch them out since last night until this morning, but it doesn't seem to be helping. I could barely walk this morning. I was hobbling like an old man.
Emma and I were supposed to go to the gym, we were all reved up to work out and then, of course, wanted to nap instead. ugh. sometimes i wish she were more dependable. I'm sick of being disappointed. but its not really her fault which makes this more annoying, i can't be mad at her for it. sigh. what is a girl to do?
not like it matters. Easter is like one of the most pointless holidays for non-religious people. You don't really give gifts on Easter. and how a rabbit got mixed up in the resurrection of jesus is beyond me.
whatever.
I was supposed to go to this easter event this morning, which i was planning on going to, but then my sister was all dressed up so i changed into a nicer dress, heels, etc. and then she said my dress was too short. I protested, saying i was wearing shorts underneath. and she still gave me that face like "you look like one of those cheap sorority skank girls (not that all sorority girls all skanky. but we all know there definitely are skanky ones). She suggested I wear leggings. I said i didn't have any, which is most likely true. They are probably back at school or hidden within the bowels of my room. She said I could borrow some of hers and then I just gave up. If she was going to be embarrassed by me, I wasn't going to bother going. I didn't want to go in the first place, and it was only an hour. She couldn't have tolerated my slightly less appropriate outfit for one hour? (why would any have a party or lunch for only one hour. seems stupid if you ask me.) RANT. BLUH. I'm getting back in my sweatpants, i feel stupid.
Food Log
life cereal w/ soy milk
daily vitamins
omega 3 vitamins.
easter lunch. (I ended up going to thing after all this fuss)
several glasses of water
medium sized portion of ham
rice
steamed broccoli and carrots, which i had to force down for how gross they tasted.
cheesy potatoes. yuck. had like one bite
a crescent roll.
a bite or two of bread pudding
a chocolate egg- 140 calories ><
water
popcorn
gross protein bar.
water.
like 8 peanuts
2 peanut butter patties and 4 thin mints. (i'm trying to get rid of the sweets in my room. i thought it was early enough in the process, that I'll be able to work it off, hopefully)
too much food for someone on a diet, though i tried to keep the portion size down and i most certainly did not clear my plate.
I woke up SUPER sore this morning, especially in my calves. I've been trying to stretch them out since last night until this morning, but it doesn't seem to be helping. I could barely walk this morning. I was hobbling like an old man.
Emma and I were supposed to go to the gym, we were all reved up to work out and then, of course, wanted to nap instead. ugh. sometimes i wish she were more dependable. I'm sick of being disappointed. but its not really her fault which makes this more annoying, i can't be mad at her for it. sigh. what is a girl to do?
Saturday, March 30, 2013
My Road to Hawaii: the fitness journey day 2
So I figure it makes a lot of sense that I keep a pretty good record of my exercising and eating habits while on this diet and exercise plan I made up for myself. (which is basically eat less crap, and work out a heck of a lot more).
Day 2
Woke up pretty sore from my 3 workouts from yesterday.
Attempted the majority of the Today Show's pyramid workout. It sounded fun when I watched the video but It was really hard when I actually tried to do it. The reps decrease as the intensity increases. I'm pretty sure I miss counted a lot of the reps so I really only did half of what I was supposed to. 100 jumping jacks really kills your calves. They still hate me, and no amount of stretching seems to make it any better. It was tough. I gave in early.
Honey nut cheerio breakfast.
vitamins.
Lunch
penne rosa, no mushrooms or added cheese, extra spinach.
side caesar salad no cheese.
(normally I'd be so proud of that order but I think they got bigger plates which means more food even though I ordered smalls)
big glass of water
walking with friends to and from the park
another glass of water
popcorn. no butter, light salt.
handful of peanuts
handful of cheerios
handful of dark chocolate m&ms
a hershey's kiss
Dinner
Campbell's chicken noodle soup
8 club crackers
1 banana
glass of water
a very mini version of the sex and the city workout
stretching my calves
ab workouts every now and again.
glass of water
omega 3 vitamins
protein bar
finished off the bottom of the bag of flatbread crakers.
yikes...
This food journal is making me realize how much I snack in a day. Thankfully this blog will help with not only how much I eat, but keeping me away from the sweet treats.
Let's hope I can still stick to my goal ><
Day 2
Woke up pretty sore from my 3 workouts from yesterday.
Attempted the majority of the Today Show's pyramid workout. It sounded fun when I watched the video but It was really hard when I actually tried to do it. The reps decrease as the intensity increases. I'm pretty sure I miss counted a lot of the reps so I really only did half of what I was supposed to. 100 jumping jacks really kills your calves. They still hate me, and no amount of stretching seems to make it any better. It was tough. I gave in early.
Honey nut cheerio breakfast.
vitamins.
Lunch
penne rosa, no mushrooms or added cheese, extra spinach.
side caesar salad no cheese.
(normally I'd be so proud of that order but I think they got bigger plates which means more food even though I ordered smalls)
big glass of water
walking with friends to and from the park
another glass of water
popcorn. no butter, light salt.
handful of peanuts
handful of cheerios
handful of dark chocolate m&ms
a hershey's kiss
Dinner
Campbell's chicken noodle soup
8 club crackers
1 banana
glass of water
a very mini version of the sex and the city workout
stretching my calves
ab workouts every now and again.
glass of water
omega 3 vitamins
protein bar
finished off the bottom of the bag of flatbread crakers.
yikes...
This food journal is making me realize how much I snack in a day. Thankfully this blog will help with not only how much I eat, but keeping me away from the sweet treats.
Let's hope I can still stick to my goal ><
Friday, March 29, 2013
Healthy Healthy Joy Joy!
Today I am feeling so great!
Yesterday I made the promise to myself to get my life in order. (view previous post for details)
Today I dragged myself to the gym with my sister.
I did 30 minutes on the elliptical. With increasing resistance. I added more resistance once a song on my ipod ended. However, I haven't worked out in a really long time, so being on resistance 6 within a 20 minute period was a little bit much for my heart, So i just did a half hour instead of an hour.
Then I went over to the slightly intimidating weight section/strength training and I used these machines: the chest press, leg press, the pull-down bar thing for your back, as well as a lot of time spent on the assisted lift which is really good for your arms. I have a baby muscle growing in there! Maybe i'll be able to do a pushup now. (hah). and then i went on the stair master for 3 minutes.
then for lunch, healthy of course we had: an egg in a frame made with wheat toast, spinach salad with craisins and almonds, and a super jam packed fruit smoothie.
I'm planning on not eating again until i'm ACTUALLY hungry.
i'm also planning on a detox bath and watching harry potter so i can do the really cool harry potter work out. (works best with the first 2-3 movies).
yay!
Feeling so good! Lets hope i don't over work my body. and that I can shed these 10 lbs like *that!
Yesterday I made the promise to myself to get my life in order. (view previous post for details)
Today I dragged myself to the gym with my sister.
I did 30 minutes on the elliptical. With increasing resistance. I added more resistance once a song on my ipod ended. However, I haven't worked out in a really long time, so being on resistance 6 within a 20 minute period was a little bit much for my heart, So i just did a half hour instead of an hour.
Then I went over to the slightly intimidating weight section/strength training and I used these machines: the chest press, leg press, the pull-down bar thing for your back, as well as a lot of time spent on the assisted lift which is really good for your arms. I have a baby muscle growing in there! Maybe i'll be able to do a pushup now. (hah). and then i went on the stair master for 3 minutes.
then for lunch, healthy of course we had: an egg in a frame made with wheat toast, spinach salad with craisins and almonds, and a super jam packed fruit smoothie.
I'm planning on not eating again until i'm ACTUALLY hungry.
i'm also planning on a detox bath and watching harry potter so i can do the really cool harry potter work out. (works best with the first 2-3 movies).
yay!
Feeling so good! Lets hope i don't over work my body. and that I can shed these 10 lbs like *that!
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Love
I love my boyfriend.
And I bet it doesn't always seem like it. Because of how often I complain, or how often we get into petty fights, or how many times I threaten to break up with him, despite all of that, I really do love him
I love it when we hold hands when he's driving.
I love it when he opens the door for me.
I love it when he puts his arms around my waist when I'm cooking.
I love it when he orders the dessert I want even though he doesn't like raspberries.
I love cuddling with him
I love talking to him about our life together in the future. About when college is done, we'll move in together and we'll get jobs and get married and have kids and pets and the rest is history.
I love that my cats loves him more than me.
I love the little things that make me think about you, like puppies and bunnies and rain and meatball sandwiches. and a vast majority of music on my ipod.
I love that you love that i love weddings
I love the time we kissed outside that wedding boutique in Chicago.
I loved that you drove me all the way to my University just to spend an extra day with me.
I love that you always consider me a part of your family.
I love the funny noises you make when you're tired.
I love how soft the skin on your face is.
I love that you lift me up when we hug.
I love that you'll dance with me at any time or place, with or without music.
I love that you'll get up from the couch to get me things even though you are just as lazy as me.
I love that you treat me like a best friend and girlfriend and lady.
I love how playful you can be, like when we colored pictures or drew with chalk.
I love how well you listen to me. You just let me rant and rant and you won't interrupt because you know how important it is for me to talk everything out.
I love how supportive you are of me and how much you believe in me.
and so much more.
and I know sometimes I get super crazy or stressed or upset. Sometimes I wish we had better or longer conversations. Sometimes I wish you had biceps. Sometimes I don't want to be in a long distance relationship. but all those silly little things don't matter one bit, as long as I have you.
I love you so much. and I'm sorry we fight as much as we do. but we've been fighting like an old married couple since before we were even dating, It's natural that we still do. We'll work out the kinks, together. <3
And I bet it doesn't always seem like it. Because of how often I complain, or how often we get into petty fights, or how many times I threaten to break up with him, despite all of that, I really do love him
I love it when we hold hands when he's driving.
I love it when he opens the door for me.
I love it when he puts his arms around my waist when I'm cooking.
I love it when he orders the dessert I want even though he doesn't like raspberries.
I love cuddling with him
I love talking to him about our life together in the future. About when college is done, we'll move in together and we'll get jobs and get married and have kids and pets and the rest is history.
I love that my cats loves him more than me.
I love the little things that make me think about you, like puppies and bunnies and rain and meatball sandwiches. and a vast majority of music on my ipod.
I love that you love that i love weddings
I love the time we kissed outside that wedding boutique in Chicago.
I loved that you drove me all the way to my University just to spend an extra day with me.
I love that you always consider me a part of your family.
I love the funny noises you make when you're tired.
I love how soft the skin on your face is.
I love that you lift me up when we hug.
I love that you'll dance with me at any time or place, with or without music.
I love that you'll get up from the couch to get me things even though you are just as lazy as me.
I love that you treat me like a best friend and girlfriend and lady.
I love how playful you can be, like when we colored pictures or drew with chalk.
I love how well you listen to me. You just let me rant and rant and you won't interrupt because you know how important it is for me to talk everything out.
I love how supportive you are of me and how much you believe in me.
and so much more.
and I know sometimes I get super crazy or stressed or upset. Sometimes I wish we had better or longer conversations. Sometimes I wish you had biceps. Sometimes I don't want to be in a long distance relationship. but all those silly little things don't matter one bit, as long as I have you.
I love you so much. and I'm sorry we fight as much as we do. but we've been fighting like an old married couple since before we were even dating, It's natural that we still do. We'll work out the kinks, together. <3
Summer of Julia
This summer will be the summer of Julia (much like the summer of George but with employment). I'm going to work on the improvement of my superficial self.
While I know that sounds stupid and conceited and "its the inside that counts", and I completely agree with that, the inside is what matters. It just so happens that having a visually appealing outside also helps with boosting my self esteem and therefore feeling better myself as a whole.
Especially as I am going through this emotionally trying time, my mother being on her final months/years. Some days I'm great. Some days I feel like shit. Some days I'm angry at everyone or I can't stop crying or whatever it is and a really nice looking and feeling me, makes me feel better. A week or two ago I got these REALLY cute turquoise jeans, originally from target for almost $30, I got them at goodwill, never worn- all the tags still in tact, for $7. and they were so cute and I felt great. and they were cheap and etc. You get the jist. Cute clothes and self act as a self esteem booster. Which sometimes I need when my friends aren't around as much.
So here is my plan for the rest of the semester and onward through the summer.
1. Teeth: whitened and healthier.
a. I had bought a great mouthwash a while ago and now I'm actually going to start using it
b. I started the baking soda regimen. I have heard such good things about it. You basically just ______brush your teeth with baking soda once a day and it supposed to remove the stains. It says in ______about 2 weeks I should have a noticeable difference in my smile. Yay! Can't wait.
2. Hair: new color and cut(?)
a. I want to dye my hair because I've never really done it before and It is time for a change and I ______will be able to handle it this time. I am going between light auburn and honey brown.
____b. The picture of Jayma Mays is what I am thinking of for the auburn category.
____c. The picture of Emma Watson is in the direction that I'm thinking of. If I could find a shade between Jayma and Emma that would be perfect. Kinda brown but kinda red/orangish without looking dumb.
While I know that sounds stupid and conceited and "its the inside that counts", and I completely agree with that, the inside is what matters. It just so happens that having a visually appealing outside also helps with boosting my self esteem and therefore feeling better myself as a whole.
Especially as I am going through this emotionally trying time, my mother being on her final months/years. Some days I'm great. Some days I feel like shit. Some days I'm angry at everyone or I can't stop crying or whatever it is and a really nice looking and feeling me, makes me feel better. A week or two ago I got these REALLY cute turquoise jeans, originally from target for almost $30, I got them at goodwill, never worn- all the tags still in tact, for $7. and they were so cute and I felt great. and they were cheap and etc. You get the jist. Cute clothes and self act as a self esteem booster. Which sometimes I need when my friends aren't around as much.
So here is my plan for the rest of the semester and onward through the summer.
1. Teeth: whitened and healthier.
a. I had bought a great mouthwash a while ago and now I'm actually going to start using it
b. I started the baking soda regimen. I have heard such good things about it. You basically just ______brush your teeth with baking soda once a day and it supposed to remove the stains. It says in ______about 2 weeks I should have a noticeable difference in my smile. Yay! Can't wait.
2. Hair: new color and cut(?)
a. I want to dye my hair because I've never really done it before and It is time for a change and I ______will be able to handle it this time. I am going between light auburn and honey brown.
____b. The picture of Jayma Mays is what I am thinking of for the auburn category.
Unfortunately, no matter what hair color I decide upon, I have to be able to afford to get it done at a salon or hope I get the results I want out of the box. and then at that point, I have to get color safe shampoo and conditioner and I have to figure out what to do when my roots come in, etc. It is a lot of up keep that I don't really care all that much about.
However. I do know that I need a change in my style and look and how I feel and hair is a big part of that. and Also I want to go lighter for spring. (I posted a status about this on facebook and some bitchy girl I've talked to 3 times was like 'those would be horrible for you, try these' and she proceeded to show me the ugliest, darkest red brown hair styles I have ever seen. yuck.)
3. Exercise: the dreaded exercising. It is good for me. and I almost never do it. and I really should, especially if I want to wear clothes that look good on me and that I feel good in. Also, If i want to be able to fit back into the bras I've been popping out of. I want this tummy to be smaller and my legs to be stronger. I should go to the gym tomorrow with Emma. yea.
I'm already formulating a plan of dietary action in my head for when i'm back at school: cereal for breakfast and piece of fruit, salad/fruit and some sort of protein at lunch, veggie sandwich at subway for dinner. Now to try to do something like that while I'm at home too..
4. Clothes. I need new clothes. I am a thrift store shopper because i'm poor and because of my decision to go with thrift store clothes, 1. a lot of their items lose their appeal after 6 months 2. they will be stained or too short but you buy it because its cheap. Since I'm hoping to lose about 10 lbs during this process, clothes will be last since I don't want to buy for the undesirable body I currently have. I want those dresses to fit again. I can't really wear them as much because my boobs have gotten too big and they pop out. I want to be able to wear a tight shirt with skinny jeans and not feel self conscious about my stomach or my breast.
Also I just need new pieces. and I need to make myself a style book because I think I run out of ideas too quickly. I don't always know what would go good with what until someone points it out to me.
5. Skin. My face has always been an issue. It has been slightly more in control now that I use a cleanser and a moisturizer once a day everyday. My skin is usually very red. my pores are very large and i have scattered acne. I will try to cleanse more at night and switch to a moisturizer that will minimize my pores to make my pores invisible and my skin smooth. I want to look like how I would with makeup on. I don't like wearing makeup because it clogs my pores. I'd like to be able to not wear makeup everyday and still look and feel amazing.
Let's hope I can actually stick to this resolution. I really need to be good with myself before I can face the impending doom of my mom's death.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
my life at its current moment
with all that is going on with my mom, I have become very stressed out.
I see my sister and she is so sad. she is already grieving.
me? I'm not nearly there. this is just a phase of life that I've dealt with. or really avoided dealing with. and in my situation, it is sorta important that i do avoid it. if i truly accepted it, nothing would get done. i wouldn't go to class, i wouldn't do well on homework or turn it in on time. i wouldn't be able to drive back to school every weekend like i keep doing. i have to keep myself together or i will get absolutely nothing accomplished. I've already started think far into the future: i have an essay due in april with a preview due in a few weeks, I have a poetry presentation in 3 weeks. i already have my piece picked out. i have a choir concert in 3 weeks. i still need to get a better white shirt. I have to buy tickets to see the other shows for the season. i need to work them into my schedule. I'm hoping to go to a wedding in june. i'm looking at train schedules already.
and when i'm not thinking of petty little things that if i dont think of now will jump out and scare me and i'll never get them done, i'm thinking about the future of my life. and start planning for that.
when should i buy my dress for the funeral. i want to have it ahead of time so i'm not trying to pick one out while sobbing.
when would we sell the house. jimmy would have a fit. he wants to live there forever.
emma (and possibly me) would get an apartment. sasha would go with her. oscar goes with me. Dad gets Jelly.
would dad start dating again? get remarried? he would be smoking for sure. him getting lung cancer is the last thing we need right now.
jimmy needs to get a job. if dad says, support the family you do it. swallow your pride for once in your god damned life.
what if she dies before this semester ends? what if she dies while she's on vacation? what if she dies in the middle of next semester. or while i'm studying abroad in italy.
does she want to buried? where?
a lot of these are selfish thoughts, but i dont know what else to think. this is where my mind is at right now. i'm barely wrapping my brain around this whole thing.
i get it. she'll be gone. but i haven't really accepted it. and i can't until the semester is over.
when i was in 4th grade i had this weird feeling i would be in one of those "special families". where the parents are divorced or one of them is dead or something. 4th grade me was right. here we are. its weird that 10 year old me prophesied this event. i hope that isn't to say i willed it.
mom is so stressed out. she's not even at work any more! the rest of her life is spending time with friends and family and going on vacation! and she's stressing herself out in every way she can. about the trips. all the planning. all the different ways she could do whatever she's trying to do. whether or not she goes on chemo or avastin or whatever the drug is. how to work it into the schedule. she's so grumpy that she clearly doesn't want me around telling her about my petty problems. and i get it. she's dying. its stressful. but she's making this so much harder on herself. lets fly instead of drive. its easier. lets not worry about the money right now.
now i'm beginning to think, it wasn't her work that was stressing her out, its her. its her lack of ability to know how to cope with her problems and how to relax when things stress her out. she's dying and she's going to let the last memories of her family be negative stressful ones. figures.
we can't even go on our hawaii vacation anymore. our one last family vacation. and its not going to happen. and by that time she'll be a goner. and she'll be so exhausted from her 18 other vacations she wont be able to go anywhere. nor will she want to because she'll be so irritated with all of us she wont want to spend time with us anymore.
i'm a little surprised she still gets as mad at me as she does. you'd think when you hear you're dying to start treating everyone the way you want to be treating them. start being greatful for all that we do. and trying to spend as much time with your 18 year old daughter while you can. i skip my thursday friday classes to be here with you mom. and you dont give a shit. you're too busy with all your vacations. i just dont get it. this is so frustrating.
I see my sister and she is so sad. she is already grieving.
me? I'm not nearly there. this is just a phase of life that I've dealt with. or really avoided dealing with. and in my situation, it is sorta important that i do avoid it. if i truly accepted it, nothing would get done. i wouldn't go to class, i wouldn't do well on homework or turn it in on time. i wouldn't be able to drive back to school every weekend like i keep doing. i have to keep myself together or i will get absolutely nothing accomplished. I've already started think far into the future: i have an essay due in april with a preview due in a few weeks, I have a poetry presentation in 3 weeks. i already have my piece picked out. i have a choir concert in 3 weeks. i still need to get a better white shirt. I have to buy tickets to see the other shows for the season. i need to work them into my schedule. I'm hoping to go to a wedding in june. i'm looking at train schedules already.
and when i'm not thinking of petty little things that if i dont think of now will jump out and scare me and i'll never get them done, i'm thinking about the future of my life. and start planning for that.
when should i buy my dress for the funeral. i want to have it ahead of time so i'm not trying to pick one out while sobbing.
when would we sell the house. jimmy would have a fit. he wants to live there forever.
emma (and possibly me) would get an apartment. sasha would go with her. oscar goes with me. Dad gets Jelly.
would dad start dating again? get remarried? he would be smoking for sure. him getting lung cancer is the last thing we need right now.
jimmy needs to get a job. if dad says, support the family you do it. swallow your pride for once in your god damned life.
what if she dies before this semester ends? what if she dies while she's on vacation? what if she dies in the middle of next semester. or while i'm studying abroad in italy.
does she want to buried? where?
a lot of these are selfish thoughts, but i dont know what else to think. this is where my mind is at right now. i'm barely wrapping my brain around this whole thing.
i get it. she'll be gone. but i haven't really accepted it. and i can't until the semester is over.
when i was in 4th grade i had this weird feeling i would be in one of those "special families". where the parents are divorced or one of them is dead or something. 4th grade me was right. here we are. its weird that 10 year old me prophesied this event. i hope that isn't to say i willed it.
mom is so stressed out. she's not even at work any more! the rest of her life is spending time with friends and family and going on vacation! and she's stressing herself out in every way she can. about the trips. all the planning. all the different ways she could do whatever she's trying to do. whether or not she goes on chemo or avastin or whatever the drug is. how to work it into the schedule. she's so grumpy that she clearly doesn't want me around telling her about my petty problems. and i get it. she's dying. its stressful. but she's making this so much harder on herself. lets fly instead of drive. its easier. lets not worry about the money right now.
now i'm beginning to think, it wasn't her work that was stressing her out, its her. its her lack of ability to know how to cope with her problems and how to relax when things stress her out. she's dying and she's going to let the last memories of her family be negative stressful ones. figures.
we can't even go on our hawaii vacation anymore. our one last family vacation. and its not going to happen. and by that time she'll be a goner. and she'll be so exhausted from her 18 other vacations she wont be able to go anywhere. nor will she want to because she'll be so irritated with all of us she wont want to spend time with us anymore.
i'm a little surprised she still gets as mad at me as she does. you'd think when you hear you're dying to start treating everyone the way you want to be treating them. start being greatful for all that we do. and trying to spend as much time with your 18 year old daughter while you can. i skip my thursday friday classes to be here with you mom. and you dont give a shit. you're too busy with all your vacations. i just dont get it. this is so frustrating.
Friday, March 1, 2013
I am a dreamer
I am a dreamer. and by that I feel like I am capable of doing anything.
Yesterday, I watched an episode of Chicago Fire (an amazing show might I add. more people should watch it) and I immediately wanted to be a fire. Being courageous, helping people, being unafraid of anything.
A few hours before that, someone suggested to me that I become a professional improviser, take classes at second city (which I would absolutely love). Think about it. I could be performing at second city. maybe i'll be the next Tina Fey or Kristen Wiig. I'll go to Saturday Night Live. Live in New York. I would love that too.
Or maybe I'll be columnist for newspaper. write color pieces about how awkward everyone is. How snow in chicago is awful. how i'm surprised people still actively live in places where it snows a lot. or i'll write about myself. and my life and what is going on.
Maybe i'll be a film critic or a theatre critic. i would love that too. i get to watch movies and plays for free, then i get to rant all i want about how many things i had problems with. or the things i loved. i would that too!
I also want to be a wedding planner. I already have 2 giant binders full of pictures. I can't help that i love weddings. but would i want to deal with all those bridezillas... maybe not.
I also want to be a mom. maybe just be a homemaker. I know how backwards that seems. I have this huge list of career options and one of them is housewife? but having a family is really important to me. and I wouldn't mind not working for a while.
or I could be what I am currently working towards which is a director for the stage. and I would love that too. the question is how do I get into that market.... hmm..
all the things I want to be
-get famous from youtube
-be a famous singer or actor
-homemaker
-director
-critic
-columnist
-some sort of writer
-wedding planner
-princess
-firefighter
-improviser
-actor
-baker
-own a restaurant
plus many more. and yet. because i'm a normal person, a lot of these wont happen
and because im not just focused on one, i'm going to be lost when it comes to actually getting a career. YIKES.
Yesterday, I watched an episode of Chicago Fire (an amazing show might I add. more people should watch it) and I immediately wanted to be a fire. Being courageous, helping people, being unafraid of anything.
A few hours before that, someone suggested to me that I become a professional improviser, take classes at second city (which I would absolutely love). Think about it. I could be performing at second city. maybe i'll be the next Tina Fey or Kristen Wiig. I'll go to Saturday Night Live. Live in New York. I would love that too.
Or maybe I'll be columnist for newspaper. write color pieces about how awkward everyone is. How snow in chicago is awful. how i'm surprised people still actively live in places where it snows a lot. or i'll write about myself. and my life and what is going on.
Maybe i'll be a film critic or a theatre critic. i would love that too. i get to watch movies and plays for free, then i get to rant all i want about how many things i had problems with. or the things i loved. i would that too!
I also want to be a wedding planner. I already have 2 giant binders full of pictures. I can't help that i love weddings. but would i want to deal with all those bridezillas... maybe not.
I also want to be a mom. maybe just be a homemaker. I know how backwards that seems. I have this huge list of career options and one of them is housewife? but having a family is really important to me. and I wouldn't mind not working for a while.
or I could be what I am currently working towards which is a director for the stage. and I would love that too. the question is how do I get into that market.... hmm..
all the things I want to be
-get famous from youtube
-be a famous singer or actor
-homemaker
-director
-critic
-columnist
-some sort of writer
-wedding planner
-princess
-firefighter
-improviser
-actor
-baker
-own a restaurant
plus many more. and yet. because i'm a normal person, a lot of these wont happen
and because im not just focused on one, i'm going to be lost when it comes to actually getting a career. YIKES.
Friday, January 18, 2013
silence.
an entire day. we've spent an entire day in silence.
and I say nothing
1) because I am always the one to initiate and I'd like to know how long it will take him to say something
2) because I am not sorry. I do not regret what I said. He is being inconsiderate of my feelings.
I'm getting the overwhelming feeling that we'll just remain in silence for weeks until someone changes their relationship status.
*sigh* i am so sick of this
and I say nothing
1) because I am always the one to initiate and I'd like to know how long it will take him to say something
2) because I am not sorry. I do not regret what I said. He is being inconsiderate of my feelings.
I'm getting the overwhelming feeling that we'll just remain in silence for weeks until someone changes their relationship status.
*sigh* i am so sick of this
Thursday, January 17, 2013
cancer
I don't care what anyone says, no one will understand what it is like to have a loved one go through cancer unless it has happened to them.
I don't care how many books or movies you've seen about cancer or how many relatives you've had who died from cancer before you were born. It will never be anywhere close. You will never get how it feels. especially at my age. no one my age understands what i'm going through. no one gets that this affects me every single day. that i want to be able to talk to someone about it every single day. someone that I can really trust with my emotions. I don't feel like I can trust as many people as i used to be able to.
i'm so distant from everyone and everything. my roommate and i don't have a good relationship. the people i am closest too are the farthest away and we don't talk enough. the ones that are here don't get it. my schedule is about to get very busy. and i'll be a little more distracted. i won't be thinking about it as often. and yet i know that because i'm more busy, i won't be talking about it as much and i'll just cry and cry. and explode.
I don't care how many books or movies you've seen about cancer or how many relatives you've had who died from cancer before you were born. It will never be anywhere close. You will never get how it feels. especially at my age. no one my age understands what i'm going through. no one gets that this affects me every single day. that i want to be able to talk to someone about it every single day. someone that I can really trust with my emotions. I don't feel like I can trust as many people as i used to be able to.
i'm so distant from everyone and everything. my roommate and i don't have a good relationship. the people i am closest too are the farthest away and we don't talk enough. the ones that are here don't get it. my schedule is about to get very busy. and i'll be a little more distracted. i won't be thinking about it as often. and yet i know that because i'm more busy, i won't be talking about it as much and i'll just cry and cry. and explode.
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