I'm starting to realize how crappy this new computer really is. The internet is super slow and impractical. However, it is still really great for writing. It is perfect. It makes me want to write!! I really like writing. I feel inspired to write. either is stupid netbook or a yellow legal pad. yes. :D
its moments like this when I'm not sure whether or not I'm going down the right life path. Is theatre where i should be? I mean, I really do love it. but what if i could make a career writing? and then I think "I have only one idea, that is not a career. plus my one idea might not make it ANYWHERE."
I still haven't made up my mind about this. I feel like I'm not getting a strong enough support system from my friends and loved ones for it to be good. I feel like everyone is secretly telling me that my idea is stupid and I shouldn't pursue it and whatever.
bluh....
Friday, December 28, 2012
Thursday, December 27, 2012
New little computer and maybe a book?
I recently rediscovered this slightly impractical but just as adorable tiny laptop computer. its the size of a large book. I'm thinking of bringing it to school with me so i can type notes during my classes and this way I won't have to lug around my heavy and slightly dated laptop. It makes me want to write. You'd think that the smaller keyboard would keep me from wanting to use this piece of crap that take who knows how many hours to reach full battery, but alas, i find myself attached to it. It's like my version of a typewriter. I know that sounds silly. This is still a laptop, it is a computer. It is not an old piece of machinery. However, there is something about it that simply appeals to me. *sigh* i love it. its mine. :)
a book.
i'm considering writing a book.
not a novel, but a book for people who don't really read
a compilation of the several hundred amusing thoughts that pop into my head on a daily basis. this such as:
is it illegal to paint your car police car colors?
how can you tell the difference between an *i'm tired sigh* *i'm frustrated sigh* and an *i'm relaxed sigh* when typing?
why invented the peanut butter and jelly combination?
s
things like that. after telling this idea to a few people, i can't tell if it is genius or stupid. some people really like it. they read a few of my pages and they laugh and thing its funny. and i start thinking about how i could actually get the published and make some money off of it! (if all goes extremely well)
then i talk to other people like my sister or my dad and they're like "hmm.. sounds interesting" and when i ask "do you think its a good idea? an idea to get serious about?" they usually say something like "do it for you. make yourself happy" which really isn't encouraging.
i've come to realize they my parents haven't really been all that encouraging during my youth. if i wanted to pursue something like music or singing, they would come to my shows and tell me its great and whatever. but they would always be really realistic about everything. theatre to them was a hobby. and maybe they hated my shows. but i saw a drama workshop recently and there was a scene when this mom picks up her daughter after a dance recital and is telling her how talented she, and how proud of her she is. my parents have probably said things like that but i never really felt it. they were just giving me a line.
i watched a home video today and i was reminded of how loud and expressive my older brother and sister were. i was considered the shy child. and i think they're singing and dancing and fashion shows or whatever they would put on would always push me further and further into the background. I did theatre and music because my sister did and fell in love with it.however, i was never as good as emma. i didn't amount to as much. even at our 2012 christmas party, my sister got up to sing and everyone was so amazed. "shes so talented. to be that sick and to be that talented. shes so good" whatever. but i'm still not thought of as that person. the theatre person, the music person. if i become the writer, i steal my brother's thunder and ruin his life further. (he's not stable at the moment)
I know i should just please myself but i really don't know what to do. i can't help but want to please other people. and i just feel like i'm never good enough for my family.*sigh*
enough pity ranting.
Happy new year everyone
a book.
i'm considering writing a book.
not a novel, but a book for people who don't really read
a compilation of the several hundred amusing thoughts that pop into my head on a daily basis. this such as:
is it illegal to paint your car police car colors?
how can you tell the difference between an *i'm tired sigh* *i'm frustrated sigh* and an *i'm relaxed sigh* when typing?
why invented the peanut butter and jelly combination?
s
things like that. after telling this idea to a few people, i can't tell if it is genius or stupid. some people really like it. they read a few of my pages and they laugh and thing its funny. and i start thinking about how i could actually get the published and make some money off of it! (if all goes extremely well)
then i talk to other people like my sister or my dad and they're like "hmm.. sounds interesting" and when i ask "do you think its a good idea? an idea to get serious about?" they usually say something like "do it for you. make yourself happy" which really isn't encouraging.
i've come to realize they my parents haven't really been all that encouraging during my youth. if i wanted to pursue something like music or singing, they would come to my shows and tell me its great and whatever. but they would always be really realistic about everything. theatre to them was a hobby. and maybe they hated my shows. but i saw a drama workshop recently and there was a scene when this mom picks up her daughter after a dance recital and is telling her how talented she, and how proud of her she is. my parents have probably said things like that but i never really felt it. they were just giving me a line.
i watched a home video today and i was reminded of how loud and expressive my older brother and sister were. i was considered the shy child. and i think they're singing and dancing and fashion shows or whatever they would put on would always push me further and further into the background. I did theatre and music because my sister did and fell in love with it.however, i was never as good as emma. i didn't amount to as much. even at our 2012 christmas party, my sister got up to sing and everyone was so amazed. "shes so talented. to be that sick and to be that talented. shes so good" whatever. but i'm still not thought of as that person. the theatre person, the music person. if i become the writer, i steal my brother's thunder and ruin his life further. (he's not stable at the moment)
I know i should just please myself but i really don't know what to do. i can't help but want to please other people. and i just feel like i'm never good enough for my family.*sigh*
enough pity ranting.
Happy new year everyone
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
24 days
sometimes i have to remind myself that you love me, because you sometimes suck at expressing yourself. or rather, you don't do it very often.
and especially now when you are so busy and I am so not busy and with nothing to fill my time. i get lonely and sad and wish i could talk to you about all the things i need to talk to you about.
and I'll text you with a problem but you'll be too busy to answer, and when you finally get back to me, you didn't notice or remember whatever i was upset about and you never ask if i'm okay or how it went. and that in itself upsets me.
i'm only 24 days away from you now, which is so great. We're closer by the minutes. and yet I still never feel like you miss me like i miss you. and here we are back and the internal/external conflict.
i feel so lonely all the time because i don't feel that you miss me when we're so far away. you're so busy with homework and with your caravan of friends having a great time. and i'm sitting around doing nothing feeling miserable that i don't really have very many friends and that you, my number one priority, is so far away.
you're still my first priority. you've shifted yours. for you its friends, then school then me. and i get that they are important too, i know. but i feel pushed to the side. you're always too busy to call, or too busy to talk for more than 5 minutes. it feels like too busy to care sometimes. to show me that you care.
and maybe once you get back that all will change, you'll be away from your school and your friends and all you'll have is me and we can be together again. and you can be my world and i can be yours. because we both know, all i've ever had was you. but you have had so much more than me. </3
and especially now when you are so busy and I am so not busy and with nothing to fill my time. i get lonely and sad and wish i could talk to you about all the things i need to talk to you about.
and I'll text you with a problem but you'll be too busy to answer, and when you finally get back to me, you didn't notice or remember whatever i was upset about and you never ask if i'm okay or how it went. and that in itself upsets me.
i'm only 24 days away from you now, which is so great. We're closer by the minutes. and yet I still never feel like you miss me like i miss you. and here we are back and the internal/external conflict.
i feel so lonely all the time because i don't feel that you miss me when we're so far away. you're so busy with homework and with your caravan of friends having a great time. and i'm sitting around doing nothing feeling miserable that i don't really have very many friends and that you, my number one priority, is so far away.
you're still my first priority. you've shifted yours. for you its friends, then school then me. and i get that they are important too, i know. but i feel pushed to the side. you're always too busy to call, or too busy to talk for more than 5 minutes. it feels like too busy to care sometimes. to show me that you care.
and maybe once you get back that all will change, you'll be away from your school and your friends and all you'll have is me and we can be together again. and you can be my world and i can be yours. because we both know, all i've ever had was you. but you have had so much more than me. </3
Saturday, November 10, 2012
You drive me crazy
you never go out of your way to do something for me just because you wanted to. Yet i do that all the time, with letters, with phone calls and voicemail messages you never return. and all the things i plan on doing over winter break. you never plan anything. you never want to plan anything. and is it so horrible to want a surprise now and then. to want to know that you took time out of your day to plan out a meal or an outing or a something. and often when i bring this up, because we know this hasn't been the first time, you say "but i called you back" or "i gave you chocolates on valentines day" something lame that shouldn't count as a plus 2 on the boyfriend scale. something that is clearly stated in every relationship ever but you didn't get. and you're proud of yourself and i sit here wondering if he'll ever do anything without me asking him.
i asked for a gift for valentines day and i asked for chocolates. all you did was buy them. thats nothing.
4 weeks ago i sent him a box full of goodies and a 30 page long letter for his half birthday and our 16 month anniversary.
it was my half birthday yesterday. he said early on he'd send me something back in that box. He sent me a one page letter that was half-assed. a copy of what i had sent him in a text. and 2 sentences about his "busy week".
fuck that. i spent 2 weeks writing 30 pages. of what i was doing, what i was up to, how things were going, anything that ever crossed my mind was written down and sent to him. and i did it because 1. i dont have many friends so i have a lot of extra time on my hands 2. because thats what i would want him to do for me.
but i got 1 page in return. one.
and i have an audition tomorrow for the spring semester. when i had a panic attack and was stressing out, instead of him giving me a call, or even a heart-felt text he says "relax. it'll be fine". in general, that's not a bad thing to say. but i'm freaking out, and all i get it "relax". ugh
YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Voter preferences
I keep seeing the fb pages for the presidential candidates, and every so often, the candidate i'm not voting for pops up-and a list of my friends who recently liked that candidate. as i scroll through the list i realize "huh. i knew there was something i didn't like about these people." its their political party. and that is a horrible thought. and yet true. these people live different lives than i do with different idealogies. which is why we dont really get along.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
am i settling? is "good enough", enough?
Sometimes I'm wondering if i'm settling.
i've been with my boyfriend for 16 months now. and i love him. or at least I feel like I do. I'm really devoted. We're currently long distance. I'm in Illinois and he's in Georgia. I won't see him until christmas break. which is 66 days from now. yea.
back to the settling. I keep breaking up with him. every now and then i'll break up with him. and we'll get back together in a few days because he convinces me i'm being emotional and freaking out. which I usually am. and then everything will go back to normal.
but as we've gotten deeper into this relationship, every time we break up- it's for better and better reasons. like he doesn't make enough of an effort to talk to me while we're away. or that I think I want to be with a different kind of guy, no offense to the nerds out there, but I dont know if i want to marry a guy who plays video games or magic cards in his free time.
[I am rather future oriented. In my goals for the future, at the top of my list is get married and have a big family. Even before get a job. I know I'm not necessarily going to marry this guy. in fact, I won't. but I am so focused on the future. and I am deathly afraid of being alone. like emotionally alone.
I have a really hard family life. everyone in my family is sick except me and my dad. everyone is stressed out and takes out on each other and people get crazy and irrational. and I can't live with those people anymore. I'm becoming such a better person now that I'm at college, its incredible. I can actually breathe for once.]
that being said, i feel like i'm using my boyfriend as this escape mechanism. Like, I don't want to face my problems, so i go hang out with you or talk to you. I can be mentally or physically away from my family and have a good time. soon after my boyfriend and i got together, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. so i needed him as a crutch. my best friend was off at college. my other best friend had ditched me. i was all alone. i needed someone. and he was there. and he became my best friend. he became my rock. and he still is. i tell him everything.
but I can find a friend i can tell everything to in the same respect. who picks me up when i'm down, etc. and i care about him really deeply. but i don't know if that's because he's my first love, and it just isn't really working out. or if i really do love him. sometimes I can't tell. I keep having dreams about being with other guys, and during my dream i'll think "wait, i'm still in a relationship with my old boyfriend, aren't I?"
So I'm worried i'm just with him because:
a) its a familiar situation. i'm comfortable with him
b) he keeps me away from my family. keeps me sane.
c) I don't want to be alone. or single. I don't want the idea of being alone forever. (not that it will last forever)
but at the same time am I just cutting him short?
I haven't seen him in 63 days. and I won't see him for another 66 days.
Have I forgotten all the reasons I was with him? right now it feels like those up above were it.
oh. and he loves me. he loves me so much. and i wanted to be loved. i needed to be loved. i dont really get that at home. more so, i want the attention that a boyfriend would give a girlfriend as opposed to your mom or whatever. but sometimes it feels like i dont love him. maybe i never did? i just loved the idea of him?
but maybe i just love him! inexplicably. but that doesnt make sense. he's not very romantic. and he doesnt talk to me so much. he's gawky. plays video games and magic with his friends. he's not muscley or particularly handsome. not that he's ugly either. ive grown accustomed to his face. but he's not the perfect guy. but at the same time, is there ever a perfect guy? will there be?
there will be flaws in anyone, but who treats me right and who i can have great conversations with and things like that?
the fact that i still do know after so long of mulling it over kills me. i dont know if i love my boyfriend. if i want to be with him.
I'd rather not make that kind of decision while we're apart. I should wait at least until i see him again. if the flame is rekindled, we keep going. if not. i'll know immediately
i've been with my boyfriend for 16 months now. and i love him. or at least I feel like I do. I'm really devoted. We're currently long distance. I'm in Illinois and he's in Georgia. I won't see him until christmas break. which is 66 days from now. yea.
back to the settling. I keep breaking up with him. every now and then i'll break up with him. and we'll get back together in a few days because he convinces me i'm being emotional and freaking out. which I usually am. and then everything will go back to normal.
but as we've gotten deeper into this relationship, every time we break up- it's for better and better reasons. like he doesn't make enough of an effort to talk to me while we're away. or that I think I want to be with a different kind of guy, no offense to the nerds out there, but I dont know if i want to marry a guy who plays video games or magic cards in his free time.
[I am rather future oriented. In my goals for the future, at the top of my list is get married and have a big family. Even before get a job. I know I'm not necessarily going to marry this guy. in fact, I won't. but I am so focused on the future. and I am deathly afraid of being alone. like emotionally alone.
I have a really hard family life. everyone in my family is sick except me and my dad. everyone is stressed out and takes out on each other and people get crazy and irrational. and I can't live with those people anymore. I'm becoming such a better person now that I'm at college, its incredible. I can actually breathe for once.]
that being said, i feel like i'm using my boyfriend as this escape mechanism. Like, I don't want to face my problems, so i go hang out with you or talk to you. I can be mentally or physically away from my family and have a good time. soon after my boyfriend and i got together, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. so i needed him as a crutch. my best friend was off at college. my other best friend had ditched me. i was all alone. i needed someone. and he was there. and he became my best friend. he became my rock. and he still is. i tell him everything.
but I can find a friend i can tell everything to in the same respect. who picks me up when i'm down, etc. and i care about him really deeply. but i don't know if that's because he's my first love, and it just isn't really working out. or if i really do love him. sometimes I can't tell. I keep having dreams about being with other guys, and during my dream i'll think "wait, i'm still in a relationship with my old boyfriend, aren't I?"
So I'm worried i'm just with him because:
a) its a familiar situation. i'm comfortable with him
b) he keeps me away from my family. keeps me sane.
c) I don't want to be alone. or single. I don't want the idea of being alone forever. (not that it will last forever)
but at the same time am I just cutting him short?
I haven't seen him in 63 days. and I won't see him for another 66 days.
Have I forgotten all the reasons I was with him? right now it feels like those up above were it.
oh. and he loves me. he loves me so much. and i wanted to be loved. i needed to be loved. i dont really get that at home. more so, i want the attention that a boyfriend would give a girlfriend as opposed to your mom or whatever. but sometimes it feels like i dont love him. maybe i never did? i just loved the idea of him?
but maybe i just love him! inexplicably. but that doesnt make sense. he's not very romantic. and he doesnt talk to me so much. he's gawky. plays video games and magic with his friends. he's not muscley or particularly handsome. not that he's ugly either. ive grown accustomed to his face. but he's not the perfect guy. but at the same time, is there ever a perfect guy? will there be?
there will be flaws in anyone, but who treats me right and who i can have great conversations with and things like that?
the fact that i still do know after so long of mulling it over kills me. i dont know if i love my boyfriend. if i want to be with him.
I'd rather not make that kind of decision while we're apart. I should wait at least until i see him again. if the flame is rekindled, we keep going. if not. i'll know immediately
Friday, October 5, 2012
what to do
I don't know what to do. what to think.
one minute you're a horrible person who doesn't listen to me, who doesn't make time for me.
the next minute i love you more than i can stand and i miss you more than i can bear.
i am so confused. my friends are getting so worried about me. we keep breaking up and getting back together. they think he's no good.
and i thought he was no good too.
then my roommate and i had this long talk. when we were on the bus to meijer's and i told her about how much i love him and how we named our kids already and how i want to spend the rest of my life with him.
is it the distance that is making me this crazy? is it that i haven't seen him in almost 2 months now. i haven't been able to hold him close and kiss him like we used to? Or is it truly a bad relationship. i hate always breaking up and getting back together and i'm a bitch and everyone thinks i'm a horrible person.
"can't you love your rock? can't you love your everything?"
i dont know what to do anymore. i dont want to be stuck in this relationship- i want to explore and meet new people. but i also know i've felt the safest in this relationship. i've felt cared for. and loved, even if i've been really lonely lately because he's really busy. and i'm not.
The letter i want to write
Dear Boyfriend,
please call me. please skype me. please make an effort to hear my voice everyday.
I don't know if you know, but I cry all the time because you can't talk on the phone (won't is more like it) or because you can't skype. it breaks my heart, it really does. I want you to want to call me on the phone. to have a moment to yourself and think, "this is when i should call my girlfriend. I love her and i miss her"
You don't get how much i miss you. how much I NEED to hear your voice everyday. It is painful enough to be so far away from you. I don't need you stop talking to me. We just talked on the phone for a half an hour and it wasn't enough. I need hours. I need days. just to make it seem like maybe I could open my door and you'd be there with a hug and a bouquet of flowers. (not that you would buy me flowers. or could afford them. not that i am passing judgement)
I know you are busy. and i'm busy too. we have classes and homework and friends. you have more friends than me- and hang out with them more. i like to be by myself and watch tv and listen to music. and part of that is because i'm a lazy friend. I always want to be invited places. also because I dont feel like going out more than I do. so when my friends want to watch movies in my room, they are totally welcome. I'm getting off topic.
I love you. i really do. and i would love it if you could be a little bit more romantic. if you could send me drawings and stickers and packages like I do. If you could do things like write cute things about me. and you once said to me, "you say more things than you do" referring to how much I love him. and maybe that's true. but I am a very verbal person. I find that words have a great power to impact people. and he's not a very verbal/talkative/smooth-worded kind of guy. and thats okay. yin to my yang. :) i just wish he would see that talking is important to me. and especially when we're this far away, the option for action is VERY limited. there are no hugs or kisses. there are letters. and texts. and skype and phone calls. all of the "doing" has become talking. and I understand being busy, but i feel like there needs to be more effort!! you can't just rest back on your loins and say "oh don't worry. it'll all be fine." i won't be able to see you, and get that one on one time i really need with you. talking is all i get, so we have to make it count.
i miss you so much. and you just dont seem to be phased. you say you miss me. i kinda see it. you say you love me more, now that can't be true because you barely talk to me unless i ask you to. if you were so interested in "doing" things in this relationship, then why havent you sent me a letter yet. or even written me one. god damn it. reach out to me like im reaching out to you!
and maybe that makes me sad. and maybe that makes me pathetic. and maybe this means that I am too dependent on you. well even though i'm crying. that doesnt mean i cant get out of bed. that doesnt mean i dont go to class, or see my friends occasionally. it doesnt mean i dont eat or talk or socialize or do my homework. i just know how to better prioritize my time to include you in my life. you're not a once a week thing to me. you're an every minute of every day thing to me. I love you. and last i checked, so do you. so start acting like it! send me a text. give me a call.
I wrote this letter a while ago. I wish all of those things were still true. It was a lack of effort and communication on his part along with an already flawed relationship that caused this relationship to fail just recently. But he's not the guy i want him to be. I need someone different. who will treat me right. who i want to treat right back, as opposed to me feeling forced to do things for him. that's not right. not at all.
please call me. please skype me. please make an effort to hear my voice everyday.
I don't know if you know, but I cry all the time because you can't talk on the phone (won't is more like it) or because you can't skype. it breaks my heart, it really does. I want you to want to call me on the phone. to have a moment to yourself and think, "this is when i should call my girlfriend. I love her and i miss her"
You don't get how much i miss you. how much I NEED to hear your voice everyday. It is painful enough to be so far away from you. I don't need you stop talking to me. We just talked on the phone for a half an hour and it wasn't enough. I need hours. I need days. just to make it seem like maybe I could open my door and you'd be there with a hug and a bouquet of flowers. (not that you would buy me flowers. or could afford them. not that i am passing judgement)
I know you are busy. and i'm busy too. we have classes and homework and friends. you have more friends than me- and hang out with them more. i like to be by myself and watch tv and listen to music. and part of that is because i'm a lazy friend. I always want to be invited places. also because I dont feel like going out more than I do. so when my friends want to watch movies in my room, they are totally welcome. I'm getting off topic.
I love you. i really do. and i would love it if you could be a little bit more romantic. if you could send me drawings and stickers and packages like I do. If you could do things like write cute things about me. and you once said to me, "you say more things than you do" referring to how much I love him. and maybe that's true. but I am a very verbal person. I find that words have a great power to impact people. and he's not a very verbal/talkative/smooth-worded kind of guy. and thats okay. yin to my yang. :) i just wish he would see that talking is important to me. and especially when we're this far away, the option for action is VERY limited. there are no hugs or kisses. there are letters. and texts. and skype and phone calls. all of the "doing" has become talking. and I understand being busy, but i feel like there needs to be more effort!! you can't just rest back on your loins and say "oh don't worry. it'll all be fine." i won't be able to see you, and get that one on one time i really need with you. talking is all i get, so we have to make it count.
i miss you so much. and you just dont seem to be phased. you say you miss me. i kinda see it. you say you love me more, now that can't be true because you barely talk to me unless i ask you to. if you were so interested in "doing" things in this relationship, then why havent you sent me a letter yet. or even written me one. god damn it. reach out to me like im reaching out to you!
and maybe that makes me sad. and maybe that makes me pathetic. and maybe this means that I am too dependent on you. well even though i'm crying. that doesnt mean i cant get out of bed. that doesnt mean i dont go to class, or see my friends occasionally. it doesnt mean i dont eat or talk or socialize or do my homework. i just know how to better prioritize my time to include you in my life. you're not a once a week thing to me. you're an every minute of every day thing to me. I love you. and last i checked, so do you. so start acting like it! send me a text. give me a call.
I wrote this letter a while ago. I wish all of those things were still true. It was a lack of effort and communication on his part along with an already flawed relationship that caused this relationship to fail just recently. But he's not the guy i want him to be. I need someone different. who will treat me right. who i want to treat right back, as opposed to me feeling forced to do things for him. that's not right. not at all.
Monday, September 10, 2012
long distance relationships
Long distance relationships are hard. and I knew they would be hard. I've heard the stories that all long distance relationships get broken up. which isn't true.
but they are really painful.
My boyfriend and I are in college. I'm in Illinois. He is in Georgia. I used to see him every day. Or almost everyday. This summer, we spent basically every day together.
and now i can only hear his voice over the phone. or see his face on skype. and I don't even get to do those two things very often. He likes his privacy so most of the time we just talk on facebook or text.
and when you're away from someone you love for FOUR WEEKS. it seems like an eternity. and knowing that there are 3 more months until i get to see him again, breaks my heart. I cry at night when i think about it. i imagine him being there, holding me. what i wouldn't give for a hug! for him to hold my hand. to kiss me. anything. i just need him there. I had a dream a week ago that i saw him on a street corner and i ran over to him and he held me and i held him back and we kissed and walked down the street holding hands. the simplest of needs but they mean everything to me.
I know the minute I see him for christmas break I am just going to sob and sob and hold him so tightly. i wont even be able to let go. knowing me, i wont even be able to stand up. my knees will buckle and i'll just collapse in his arms. so happy to see him but sad that it's been so long.
and knowing that it will happen all over again. that at the end of 3 weeks, we'll leave and I wont see him again for four months or so.
and people do it everyday.
I guess the advantage is, if we're in a fight, we have plenty of time and space to cool off. then again- words can hurt really bad. but then the time and space is even more necessary.
but they are really painful.
My boyfriend and I are in college. I'm in Illinois. He is in Georgia. I used to see him every day. Or almost everyday. This summer, we spent basically every day together.
and now i can only hear his voice over the phone. or see his face on skype. and I don't even get to do those two things very often. He likes his privacy so most of the time we just talk on facebook or text.
and when you're away from someone you love for FOUR WEEKS. it seems like an eternity. and knowing that there are 3 more months until i get to see him again, breaks my heart. I cry at night when i think about it. i imagine him being there, holding me. what i wouldn't give for a hug! for him to hold my hand. to kiss me. anything. i just need him there. I had a dream a week ago that i saw him on a street corner and i ran over to him and he held me and i held him back and we kissed and walked down the street holding hands. the simplest of needs but they mean everything to me.
I know the minute I see him for christmas break I am just going to sob and sob and hold him so tightly. i wont even be able to let go. knowing me, i wont even be able to stand up. my knees will buckle and i'll just collapse in his arms. so happy to see him but sad that it's been so long.
and knowing that it will happen all over again. that at the end of 3 weeks, we'll leave and I wont see him again for four months or so.
and people do it everyday.
I guess the advantage is, if we're in a fight, we have plenty of time and space to cool off. then again- words can hurt really bad. but then the time and space is even more necessary.
Friday, August 3, 2012
New Phone (?)
I want my new phone so badly!! I can taste it. Not that I should be tasting my phone. that would be gross and socially unacceptable.
I picked it out myself. Originally I was going to get an iphone 4S. I currently have an iPhone 3 with a crap ton of dead pixels. It's falling apart. Thankfully, It held out long enough over the past two years for me to qualify for my upgrade. (Not to mention that I dropped a phone in water, cracked a screen, and then swapped it with my mom's old model). Now I have decided to switch over to android. I'm not very attached to my apps. Only a few: to-do list, sudoku, facebook, and maybe one or two games. As long as the new phone will allow me to text, surf the web, and download a CRAP TON of music on to it then we will be best friends.
It's called the Pantech Burst. It doesn't seem like much when you look at the model online but it's easy to use, I like how the menu is set up, it seems pretty friendly for those who aren't used to using an android based smart hone. AND get this- it will only cost me ONE DOLLAR.
of course this is only because I have the upgrade, but still. if i decide to get an SD card to have more room for my music it [could] cost me a lot more.
of course my beautiful plans that I have built up in my mind and in reality will pretty much fall to pieces because my mother and I do not get along. at all. and recently we've at each other's throats. (the timing is really quite great. right before college too. i hope you picked up on my subtle sarcasm) and of course, I am not authorized on the account to upgrade phones or renew contracts or any of that legal crap. my mom is. there is a slight possibility that my father is also so maybe I can sway him to come with me. In general, my dad and I get along better and he's a lot more lenient about stuff. He'll appreciate that I picked a cheap phone to keep costs down for us. However, he is still married to my mother. which means that he may or may not side with her, discuss it with her, etc.
I just remembered I said some not so nice things this morning as I rushed out the door when they detoured my exit with a dishwasher and sink full of dishes. Some evil being out in the universe somewhere just decided to have both my parents enter from the garage right as I was about to leave. Karma is a bitch. [except that karma is over lifetimes, not like payback like everyone pretends that is what it means. Like get a dictionary people.]
sigh. :-/ i guess i deserve the crappy phone. bluh bluhb blualsfhaskdfjaldjf. yea.
I picked it out myself. Originally I was going to get an iphone 4S. I currently have an iPhone 3 with a crap ton of dead pixels. It's falling apart. Thankfully, It held out long enough over the past two years for me to qualify for my upgrade. (Not to mention that I dropped a phone in water, cracked a screen, and then swapped it with my mom's old model). Now I have decided to switch over to android. I'm not very attached to my apps. Only a few: to-do list, sudoku, facebook, and maybe one or two games. As long as the new phone will allow me to text, surf the web, and download a CRAP TON of music on to it then we will be best friends.
It's called the Pantech Burst. It doesn't seem like much when you look at the model online but it's easy to use, I like how the menu is set up, it seems pretty friendly for those who aren't used to using an android based smart hone. AND get this- it will only cost me ONE DOLLAR.
of course this is only because I have the upgrade, but still. if i decide to get an SD card to have more room for my music it [could] cost me a lot more.
of course my beautiful plans that I have built up in my mind and in reality will pretty much fall to pieces because my mother and I do not get along. at all. and recently we've at each other's throats. (the timing is really quite great. right before college too. i hope you picked up on my subtle sarcasm) and of course, I am not authorized on the account to upgrade phones or renew contracts or any of that legal crap. my mom is. there is a slight possibility that my father is also so maybe I can sway him to come with me. In general, my dad and I get along better and he's a lot more lenient about stuff. He'll appreciate that I picked a cheap phone to keep costs down for us. However, he is still married to my mother. which means that he may or may not side with her, discuss it with her, etc.
I just remembered I said some not so nice things this morning as I rushed out the door when they detoured my exit with a dishwasher and sink full of dishes. Some evil being out in the universe somewhere just decided to have both my parents enter from the garage right as I was about to leave. Karma is a bitch. [except that karma is over lifetimes, not like payback like everyone pretends that is what it means. Like get a dictionary people.]
sigh. :-/ i guess i deserve the crappy phone. bluh bluhb blualsfhaskdfjaldjf. yea.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
What I Think when I Can't Sleep
I hate this. I HATE this. I'm so exhausted and I can't sleep. My mind is just reeling over nothing. Things like:
•It's hot in here
•I'll use that flower tote bag in college as my go-to tote. But what if I need a drawstring bag?
•why didn't my sister go to Millikin?
•I didn't like Millikin
•why were those girls so dressed up?
•My sister should move into an apartment near Millikin and go to school
•I wonder if she still has that Millikin t shirt- I can trade it in for a free Redbird shirt
•what if I end up always wearing cute clothes on the days we paint for practicum
•how old is Michelle from Bunheads. She tried to pass for 25, she's probably early/mid 30's.
•that dance was so random but cool
•black haired girl who's name I can't remember- Sasha is impossible skinny. I wonder if she has an eating disorder.
•why aren't I falling asleep? These thoughts aren't important or pivotal.
•shut off brain. Just let it all go. Shut down, like the computer. If the thoughts are so important they'll come back again
• I don't want to pick up my cell phone to write all this down because staring at a screen keeps you from falling asleep- grabs phone anyway.
•why are my feet so itchy? I should get it checked out by a doctor. I can't stop scratching. Lotion doesn't help.
•chapped lips. Kissing in the winter time. Always needing lip balm.
•my feet hurt with scratched-up pain, my hands cramped
•how does a normal person deal with ear wax?
•still thinking about how much my feet hurt and how much I want them to stop hurting and atop being itchy
• i need to shave my legs but it's almost not worth it because all my shorts are in the laundry basket
•I NEED to see a chiropractor. Asap. Last time I went he was like "you probably have scoliosis" that was 2 years ago >.<
•I want to get a massage done. I'm so tense all the time.
•It's hot in here
•I'll use that flower tote bag in college as my go-to tote. But what if I need a drawstring bag?
•why didn't my sister go to Millikin?
•I didn't like Millikin
•why were those girls so dressed up?
•My sister should move into an apartment near Millikin and go to school
•I wonder if she still has that Millikin t shirt- I can trade it in for a free Redbird shirt
•what if I end up always wearing cute clothes on the days we paint for practicum
•how old is Michelle from Bunheads. She tried to pass for 25, she's probably early/mid 30's.
•that dance was so random but cool
•black haired girl who's name I can't remember- Sasha is impossible skinny. I wonder if she has an eating disorder.
•why aren't I falling asleep? These thoughts aren't important or pivotal.
•shut off brain. Just let it all go. Shut down, like the computer. If the thoughts are so important they'll come back again
• I don't want to pick up my cell phone to write all this down because staring at a screen keeps you from falling asleep- grabs phone anyway.
•why are my feet so itchy? I should get it checked out by a doctor. I can't stop scratching. Lotion doesn't help.
•chapped lips. Kissing in the winter time. Always needing lip balm.
•my feet hurt with scratched-up pain, my hands cramped
•how does a normal person deal with ear wax?
•still thinking about how much my feet hurt and how much I want them to stop hurting and atop being itchy
• i need to shave my legs but it's almost not worth it because all my shorts are in the laundry basket
•I NEED to see a chiropractor. Asap. Last time I went he was like "you probably have scoliosis" that was 2 years ago >.<
•I want to get a massage done. I'm so tense all the time.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Good bye Reliable TV Watching
I just realized something horrible. Well not horrible, but quite sad.
When I am in college, I won't be able to watch all my TV shows because I won't have DVR. I'll be able to watch some of them, but if i miss them to hang out with friends- what will I do?
I don't have netflix, and I have a hulu account but every time I've been on Hulu for the past few months it won't let me add or delete anything on my queue. I'd be lucky if it would even let me watch something.
and I KNOW, for a fact, that the seasons I am currently following will continue past when I get to college. Think about the shows I'll get behind on?! Royal Pains! Project Runway! So You Think You Can Dance! Bunheads!
and not to mentions all the shows that are starting up in the fall/near future: Once Upon a Time, Switched at Birth, 30 Rock, The Office, Glee, the Mindy Project, Raising Hope. How will I keep up?? and even if I did manage a way to keep up- How will I get any sleep?? I'll be spending all my time in classes and doing homework and eating and socializing and watching tv into the wee hours of the night- I will never get any sleep and then I'll get all cranky and annoying and yell at people and just EXPLODE.
That probably won't happen. but still. I need my shows.
When I am in college, I won't be able to watch all my TV shows because I won't have DVR. I'll be able to watch some of them, but if i miss them to hang out with friends- what will I do?
I don't have netflix, and I have a hulu account but every time I've been on Hulu for the past few months it won't let me add or delete anything on my queue. I'd be lucky if it would even let me watch something.
and I KNOW, for a fact, that the seasons I am currently following will continue past when I get to college. Think about the shows I'll get behind on?! Royal Pains! Project Runway! So You Think You Can Dance! Bunheads!
and not to mentions all the shows that are starting up in the fall/near future: Once Upon a Time, Switched at Birth, 30 Rock, The Office, Glee, the Mindy Project, Raising Hope. How will I keep up?? and even if I did manage a way to keep up- How will I get any sleep?? I'll be spending all my time in classes and doing homework and eating and socializing and watching tv into the wee hours of the night- I will never get any sleep and then I'll get all cranky and annoying and yell at people and just EXPLODE.
That probably won't happen. but still. I need my shows.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Shear Madness. Get it? like Shears? like hair cut? oh forget it...
I got my hair cut today. I took like 4 inches off. My hair was SO long and heavy and hard to deal with. and it's always been like that. I've had the burden of thick hair. (but i love it anyway) and today I said, enough is enough, let's make this hair healthy and manageable again. I wish i had done it back in june, so i wouldnt have had to live through these hot summer days with all that heavy hair.
it was pretty. i liked it long. I hope it doesn't take too long to get back to that length. I'd like it to be that long around christmas time. then again, hair grows slowly, especially my hair. and humans grow a half inch of hair every month on average. aren't there pills to make hair grow? there's a certain vitamin that makes hair shiny and grow fast. I had a friend who's mom was obsessed with long hair and make her take hair pills. Her hair grew all the way down to her butt! but she donated it once she got it cut. so that's good :) but knowing me, I probably won't be taking the hair pills. so it will be 8 months until it's back where it was.
shoot.
don't get my wrong. I love my new haircut. It's short and breezy. the angles are a little weird but I can live with them. I'm surprised a good as good of a hair cut, I went to Great Clips! Usually my good haircuts I get from the Lift Salon and I pay $60 for them to make me look good. I paid $14 and my hair is just as good, if not better.
any haircut takes a while to get used to. once i take a shower and it becomes "my hair" again I think it'll be okay. and even if it's not, it will indeed grow back, even if it takes a while.
it was pretty. i liked it long. I hope it doesn't take too long to get back to that length. I'd like it to be that long around christmas time. then again, hair grows slowly, especially my hair. and humans grow a half inch of hair every month on average. aren't there pills to make hair grow? there's a certain vitamin that makes hair shiny and grow fast. I had a friend who's mom was obsessed with long hair and make her take hair pills. Her hair grew all the way down to her butt! but she donated it once she got it cut. so that's good :) but knowing me, I probably won't be taking the hair pills. so it will be 8 months until it's back where it was.
shoot.
don't get my wrong. I love my new haircut. It's short and breezy. the angles are a little weird but I can live with them. I'm surprised a good as good of a hair cut, I went to Great Clips! Usually my good haircuts I get from the Lift Salon and I pay $60 for them to make me look good. I paid $14 and my hair is just as good, if not better.
any haircut takes a while to get used to. once i take a shower and it becomes "my hair" again I think it'll be okay. and even if it's not, it will indeed grow back, even if it takes a while.
Waiter Water Watch
What is it with waiters and always filling up your water glass? Like I understand they're trying to be nice and give good service and whatever, but its so annoying. How will I know how many glasses of water I drank? and this number is rather important because it will affect my number of trips to the bathroom later.
I am not a person who drinks. I don't mean alcohol (though I don't drink that either), I mean in general. I don't drink anything. water soda, juice, etc. not that I never drink, I just mean you'd more likely see me eating than drinking. I often eat when I'm thirsty. It's not so good >.< I know several people who are of the philosophy that if you're eating something, you need a drink to go with it- which is really not my style in general, though it is a habit I should probably be trying to absorb into my life. I'm worried I'll be too dehydrated and die or something.
I've been better about drinking water. I carry a water bottle in my purse, and my boyfriend is one of those "always needs a drink" people, so that helped with my dehydration issues. but why is it that when I'm a restaurant I always go overboard with the water? Maybe because I'm so anxiously waiting the food, I get bored and occupy myself with a sip of water? also because I'm always dehydrated so my body will want the water no matter what- and its convenient placement in front of me combined with the patient waiting of my food is what causes me to drink.
What befuddles me though, is that once I have begun my intensive intake of fluid for the course of the meal, I will have to pee every ten minutes for the next 3 hours. okay that's a hyperbole, but still- very frequent. It's like my bladder never sees any fluid so when I go to a restaurant, it gets excited and revs up the processing speed. I mean it's good, because I'm getting hydrated and I'm flushing out toxins and stuff but still- annoying.
Can you be over-hydrated? Can you drink too much water? I bet you can. I probably have during my restaurant drinking sprees. You have so much water in you that you basically just pee water.
I feel like i've reached a blogging low because i'm talking about peeing and drinking water. this was probably a really boring or disturbing post. I'm sorry if i scared you away. I'm doubly sorry if you stopped reading this post before you got to this paragraph because of how uncomfortable this made you. ugh. I feel so lame.
I am not a person who drinks. I don't mean alcohol (though I don't drink that either), I mean in general. I don't drink anything. water soda, juice, etc. not that I never drink, I just mean you'd more likely see me eating than drinking. I often eat when I'm thirsty. It's not so good >.< I know several people who are of the philosophy that if you're eating something, you need a drink to go with it- which is really not my style in general, though it is a habit I should probably be trying to absorb into my life. I'm worried I'll be too dehydrated and die or something.
I've been better about drinking water. I carry a water bottle in my purse, and my boyfriend is one of those "always needs a drink" people, so that helped with my dehydration issues. but why is it that when I'm a restaurant I always go overboard with the water? Maybe because I'm so anxiously waiting the food, I get bored and occupy myself with a sip of water? also because I'm always dehydrated so my body will want the water no matter what- and its convenient placement in front of me combined with the patient waiting of my food is what causes me to drink.
What befuddles me though, is that once I have begun my intensive intake of fluid for the course of the meal, I will have to pee every ten minutes for the next 3 hours. okay that's a hyperbole, but still- very frequent. It's like my bladder never sees any fluid so when I go to a restaurant, it gets excited and revs up the processing speed. I mean it's good, because I'm getting hydrated and I'm flushing out toxins and stuff but still- annoying.
Can you be over-hydrated? Can you drink too much water? I bet you can. I probably have during my restaurant drinking sprees. You have so much water in you that you basically just pee water.
I feel like i've reached a blogging low because i'm talking about peeing and drinking water. this was probably a really boring or disturbing post. I'm sorry if i scared you away. I'm doubly sorry if you stopped reading this post before you got to this paragraph because of how uncomfortable this made you. ugh. I feel so lame.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Paid to Blog? Hmm..
So I just had the sort of dream- like fantasy of, what if I could get paid to blog? There are tons of paid bloggers out there. but then things like this started to hit me:
a) If someone asked me what my occupation was, I would say blogger. I don't know why, but it just feels like a super lame answer. maybe if I published my blogs into a book I could at least say I'm an author or a writer- blogger just makes me sound like a dork.
b) I probably wouldn't make very much money, not that I'm all about the money. I was once willing to be a starving artist [actor], I can be a starving writer too. Living on Ramen is totally fine with me. [yum] It would be nice to be making something substantial though. but what do i know? I'm the person who would DIE if i had to work in a cubicle, so maybe this is even better!
c) all I can think of when I think of a blogger is Julia Robert's d-bag husband in Larry Crowne (which was really not a good movie, but I like Tom Hanks and I commend him for trying). He was played by the dad from Malcom in the Middle. I'll never be able to remember that actor's name.
So maybe I don't want to be a professional blogger.
but my blog isn't very successful yet, so what's the worry? and if i did, why not? I seem to be catching on to this whole blogging thing.
p.s. The tv show "The Middle" is really just copying "Malcolm in the Middle", and Malcolm in the Middle was WAY better. I'm sorry, but I will not tolerate blatant copy cats. Like Total Recall which was an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie in the early 90's.
a) If someone asked me what my occupation was, I would say blogger. I don't know why, but it just feels like a super lame answer. maybe if I published my blogs into a book I could at least say I'm an author or a writer- blogger just makes me sound like a dork.
b) I probably wouldn't make very much money, not that I'm all about the money. I was once willing to be a starving artist [actor], I can be a starving writer too. Living on Ramen is totally fine with me. [yum] It would be nice to be making something substantial though. but what do i know? I'm the person who would DIE if i had to work in a cubicle, so maybe this is even better!
c) all I can think of when I think of a blogger is Julia Robert's d-bag husband in Larry Crowne (which was really not a good movie, but I like Tom Hanks and I commend him for trying). He was played by the dad from Malcom in the Middle. I'll never be able to remember that actor's name.
So maybe I don't want to be a professional blogger.
but my blog isn't very successful yet, so what's the worry? and if i did, why not? I seem to be catching on to this whole blogging thing.
p.s. The tv show "The Middle" is really just copying "Malcolm in the Middle", and Malcolm in the Middle was WAY better. I'm sorry, but I will not tolerate blatant copy cats. Like Total Recall which was an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie in the early 90's.
Blog agenda: wah, tab, stamp, length
Okay a few things on the blogging agenda today
1. I got my very first compliment today! and no, not like in my entire life. that would be sad. like, "my parents locked me in a room and i was once a feral child, i have since recovered and today someone told me they liked my shoes". not like that. though that would be an interesting story. I think Oprah did an episode on feral children, very interesting. okay back to my original point- someone, other than the people who i have been asking or reminding to read my blog, told me how much they liked it and how they thought I was a good writer. and of course inside my brain I'm think "They like me! they really like me!" while wearing some sparkly gold Oscars dress and brushing back a tear. On the outside, I'm more contained with more self control sporting the sophisticated "WAH!!!!! EEEEEP!!! THIS IS SO COOL!" and of course. It's only one person, but still. for a blog that I thought was getting no readers, it feels like a big accomplishment. So thank you!
2.I have become tab-addicted. I'm the person who will always have at least 12 tabs open at a time. and then I yell at the computer for being slow and dumb, when it's my own fault for overloading it with unnecessarily open tabs. But this addiction to the amount of tabs has to do with three things a) my lack of knowledge about bookmarks until recently b) my recently gained knowledge of the hibernate feature of my laptop c)I can be kind of a hoarder sometimes. I can become very attached to my tabs. and because of this, i never turn off my computer. almost never. i'll put it on hibernate which is like a computer nap, but it'll save everything as it is until I need to use it again. of course, this is not very good for the computer. Like, if my computer was a person- like a Script in the olden days and I would talk and they would furiously scribble down what i was saying. if my computer was a script, then i would be a slave driver, as simple as that. I am so cruel to this computer that is so good to me in every way possible. except the mouse is dumb and sometimes won't let me click things, or that it's kinda bulky and heavy and will be annoying in college when i'm lugging it around, that's it's too fancy for stickers, but ugly enough to need something so now is in this awkward ugly semi-naked stage- like some mid-twenties nudity phase. or 2 year old nudity phase. your choice. the later is more adorable, and acceptable in modern society. needless to say, i won't come to a solution when it comes this tabs issue, unless i save all the links every night, and even that would be too exhausting for my little peanut brain to handle.
3. I think letter-writing needs to get back into style. It was so classic and timeless. Well, it is timeless. and everyone loves to get mail! It gives you that "I'm special" feeling. Unless It's bills or coupons for places you don't shop or magazines you didn't subscribe to. but mail, real letters from people you know, are the absolute best. knowing that someone took the time to sit down with a pen and paper to write you a letter makes them all the more worth saving as a form of communication and an art form. plus stamps are cute. I have pixar stamps i've been meaning use. anyone want to be my pen pal while i'm in college?
4. I'm getting the feeling that my posts are too long. What can I say? I have a lot of thoughts and ideas and they are just being poured on eco-friendly virtual paper (unless you count the electricity my laptop is using. Darn! >.< ) but I feel like the sheer length of my posts scare people away from reading them. does the list help? I like writing in lists. would it help if i used less run-on sentences and actually broke things up into paragraphs? I'd love to know. please comment, you few but faithful readers. :)
1. I got my very first compliment today! and no, not like in my entire life. that would be sad. like, "my parents locked me in a room and i was once a feral child, i have since recovered and today someone told me they liked my shoes". not like that. though that would be an interesting story. I think Oprah did an episode on feral children, very interesting. okay back to my original point- someone, other than the people who i have been asking or reminding to read my blog, told me how much they liked it and how they thought I was a good writer. and of course inside my brain I'm think "They like me! they really like me!" while wearing some sparkly gold Oscars dress and brushing back a tear. On the outside, I'm more contained with more self control sporting the sophisticated "WAH!!!!! EEEEEP!!! THIS IS SO COOL!" and of course. It's only one person, but still. for a blog that I thought was getting no readers, it feels like a big accomplishment. So thank you!
2.I have become tab-addicted. I'm the person who will always have at least 12 tabs open at a time. and then I yell at the computer for being slow and dumb, when it's my own fault for overloading it with unnecessarily open tabs. But this addiction to the amount of tabs has to do with three things a) my lack of knowledge about bookmarks until recently b) my recently gained knowledge of the hibernate feature of my laptop c)I can be kind of a hoarder sometimes. I can become very attached to my tabs. and because of this, i never turn off my computer. almost never. i'll put it on hibernate which is like a computer nap, but it'll save everything as it is until I need to use it again. of course, this is not very good for the computer. Like, if my computer was a person- like a Script in the olden days and I would talk and they would furiously scribble down what i was saying. if my computer was a script, then i would be a slave driver, as simple as that. I am so cruel to this computer that is so good to me in every way possible. except the mouse is dumb and sometimes won't let me click things, or that it's kinda bulky and heavy and will be annoying in college when i'm lugging it around, that's it's too fancy for stickers, but ugly enough to need something so now is in this awkward ugly semi-naked stage- like some mid-twenties nudity phase. or 2 year old nudity phase. your choice. the later is more adorable, and acceptable in modern society. needless to say, i won't come to a solution when it comes this tabs issue, unless i save all the links every night, and even that would be too exhausting for my little peanut brain to handle.
3. I think letter-writing needs to get back into style. It was so classic and timeless. Well, it is timeless. and everyone loves to get mail! It gives you that "I'm special" feeling. Unless It's bills or coupons for places you don't shop or magazines you didn't subscribe to. but mail, real letters from people you know, are the absolute best. knowing that someone took the time to sit down with a pen and paper to write you a letter makes them all the more worth saving as a form of communication and an art form. plus stamps are cute. I have pixar stamps i've been meaning use. anyone want to be my pen pal while i'm in college?
4. I'm getting the feeling that my posts are too long. What can I say? I have a lot of thoughts and ideas and they are just being poured on eco-friendly virtual paper (unless you count the electricity my laptop is using. Darn! >.< ) but I feel like the sheer length of my posts scare people away from reading them. does the list help? I like writing in lists. would it help if i used less run-on sentences and actually broke things up into paragraphs? I'd love to know. please comment, you few but faithful readers. :)
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Jo March
Little Women. I love this movie. Winona Ryder. Susan Sarandon. You cannot go wrong. I love this movie. I have seen it many a time and it never gets old. It's classic. and for very good reason. The original book, written by Louisa May Alcott is still in printing after 144 years! at least I'm pretty sure it still is. I saw it in a bookstore not too long ago. (but that doesn't necessarily mean its been in printing this whole time).
I would really like to read the book. I read half of the abridged version once, which is totally not the same. It's one of those classics that I feel really needs to be read. Like all those Jane Austen books. I know that I need to read Pride and Prejudice. and Sense and Sensibility. but I never have. partly because I am lazy. partly because I do not read for leisure, at least, not very often. I should do it more often. All I do is sit on the computer or watch T.V. or play games on my iPhone. Less screen time would do me some good.
But if i'm using that screen time for writing like I am now, in a more constructive matter, than I don't think it's so bad, right?
but as of right now I am merely dumping out the thoughts in my head onto the blank white canvas that is this blog. There be no rhyme or reason. I wish i could write. Like really write. Write something that could get published. but the problem is i haven't been writing, I've been blogging. I've been thought-dumping, I've been mind clearing. which i need. I don't talk to many people. I don't have many close friends. This is my place to go to express myself. at least for the time being.
okay i need to write. like actually write. the best thing to write about is what you know. and i've been through a lot of hardship. but how to write that into a novel....oh god Beth March just died. I hate this part.
I've been through a separation. and getting back together. for four years I've woken up everyday to my sister being sick even though she should be in college. She should have finished college by now actually. My dad had a seizure that sent him to the hospital. My mom was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I've had a lot to go through. and I've held onto all of it. maybe because it gives me something to be sad about. maybe because I've never dealt with things like this before in my life so I don't know how to let go of all the pain and all the sadness. but i think the truth is, it never goes away. It will always be part of my journey. and i will always carry it with me. but as time goes on, it gets smaller and smaller. My parents separating is a mere pebble now. but my sister having P.O.T.S. and my mom having cancer are still huge cinder blocks i'm dragging behind me.
I will write it. I'll write it to get it off my back. I'll write to externalize it. and maybe i'll have it published. and if not published, than at least printed and bound. i'll put it on a bookshelf and leave it behind me. or give it to someone I love, who will be able to carry the burden for me, with me.
I would really like to read the book. I read half of the abridged version once, which is totally not the same. It's one of those classics that I feel really needs to be read. Like all those Jane Austen books. I know that I need to read Pride and Prejudice. and Sense and Sensibility. but I never have. partly because I am lazy. partly because I do not read for leisure, at least, not very often. I should do it more often. All I do is sit on the computer or watch T.V. or play games on my iPhone. Less screen time would do me some good.
But if i'm using that screen time for writing like I am now, in a more constructive matter, than I don't think it's so bad, right?
but as of right now I am merely dumping out the thoughts in my head onto the blank white canvas that is this blog. There be no rhyme or reason. I wish i could write. Like really write. Write something that could get published. but the problem is i haven't been writing, I've been blogging. I've been thought-dumping, I've been mind clearing. which i need. I don't talk to many people. I don't have many close friends. This is my place to go to express myself. at least for the time being.
okay i need to write. like actually write. the best thing to write about is what you know. and i've been through a lot of hardship. but how to write that into a novel....oh god Beth March just died. I hate this part.
I've been through a separation. and getting back together. for four years I've woken up everyday to my sister being sick even though she should be in college. She should have finished college by now actually. My dad had a seizure that sent him to the hospital. My mom was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I've had a lot to go through. and I've held onto all of it. maybe because it gives me something to be sad about. maybe because I've never dealt with things like this before in my life so I don't know how to let go of all the pain and all the sadness. but i think the truth is, it never goes away. It will always be part of my journey. and i will always carry it with me. but as time goes on, it gets smaller and smaller. My parents separating is a mere pebble now. but my sister having P.O.T.S. and my mom having cancer are still huge cinder blocks i'm dragging behind me.
I will write it. I'll write it to get it off my back. I'll write to externalize it. and maybe i'll have it published. and if not published, than at least printed and bound. i'll put it on a bookshelf and leave it behind me. or give it to someone I love, who will be able to carry the burden for me, with me.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Becoming a Writer
The more I blog, the more I realize that I really like to write. I've always loved editing. Editing my own work, editing other peoples. The red pen and I were always close friends. I would rip essays apart and they would becoming sparkling on the other end of the tunnel- or least a lot better than they started out. I applied this love of editing into a love of stage directing. I will watch a scene and analyze what is wrong with it and makes notes. I have always been like this, since sophomore year when I first took acting 1. I was the kid that always had an entire page full of notes. Currently I'm majoring in Theatre Studies with a concentration in Directing. However, now I am curious if that will change to an English major with a concentration in publishing, or maybe I'll double major? Anything is possible.
Okay, back on track. I'm talking about writing. My love of writing came from editing and acting. I loved being able to write my own pieces for acting class. I loved being able to write about my life and my experiences and share them with everyone. Over these last few years of high school I have come to realize that I only really love to write if I can write about something I care deeply about. Is it completely selfish to say myself or my life? Let's face it, I've gone through a lot of hardships in my life and I have never really gotten over them so writing is an outlet. But I like writing about my feelings, even if over and over and over again. I also like writing in things I'm interested in (no duh). I took a Film Genres Class last semester that I absolutely loved, it counted as our English credit, and I loved writing the write-ups about the movies we watched. Even if I didn't like the movie or didn't connect with it as well as others, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Writing about Alien or Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid or Brick or The Day the Earth Stood Still and many others. Even if I knew that I was b.s.ing my way through a writing assignment, doing the period before class, I still enjoyed it. It's the forced writing that I never liked. Research papers, science projects, papers on books I didn't like,etc.
The funny part is, I don't read that often. I wouldn't call myself a 'reader'. Maybe this is because I am very picky about my type of book. I need to be caught in the first page of a book for me to even consider reading it. Some people would say I'm not giving it chance, I say, if the book isn't going to grab my attention, I shouldn't give it my attention either. I also wonder if my picking reading makes for a good editor or publisher. But I feel like I would only publish a certain type of book, and if I was a part of a big publishing house, it would be hard for me to choose certain types of books. I would get stuck reading long books about the history of whoever and I would hate it. So maybe I don't want to publish. You probably have to love to read to be a publisher. So maybe I'll become a writer. Though I'm pretty sure you have to love to read if you want to write. a paradox!
What will i do?
I've always wanted to compile a book of journal entries or things i've blogged about. sort of like an ode to P.S. Longer Letter Later except with less plot. However, I'm pretty sure if I sent that to an editor they would be like, "why would I want to read about your problems?" and then I get sad and discouraged and do something else with my life.
Maybe I should write a book about my hardships. The illnesses I've delt with over the years.
Maybe i'l compile journal entries that no one will read. not even me.
Okay, back on track. I'm talking about writing. My love of writing came from editing and acting. I loved being able to write my own pieces for acting class. I loved being able to write about my life and my experiences and share them with everyone. Over these last few years of high school I have come to realize that I only really love to write if I can write about something I care deeply about. Is it completely selfish to say myself or my life? Let's face it, I've gone through a lot of hardships in my life and I have never really gotten over them so writing is an outlet. But I like writing about my feelings, even if over and over and over again. I also like writing in things I'm interested in (no duh). I took a Film Genres Class last semester that I absolutely loved, it counted as our English credit, and I loved writing the write-ups about the movies we watched. Even if I didn't like the movie or didn't connect with it as well as others, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Writing about Alien or Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid or Brick or The Day the Earth Stood Still and many others. Even if I knew that I was b.s.ing my way through a writing assignment, doing the period before class, I still enjoyed it. It's the forced writing that I never liked. Research papers, science projects, papers on books I didn't like,etc.
The funny part is, I don't read that often. I wouldn't call myself a 'reader'. Maybe this is because I am very picky about my type of book. I need to be caught in the first page of a book for me to even consider reading it. Some people would say I'm not giving it chance, I say, if the book isn't going to grab my attention, I shouldn't give it my attention either. I also wonder if my picking reading makes for a good editor or publisher. But I feel like I would only publish a certain type of book, and if I was a part of a big publishing house, it would be hard for me to choose certain types of books. I would get stuck reading long books about the history of whoever and I would hate it. So maybe I don't want to publish. You probably have to love to read to be a publisher. So maybe I'll become a writer. Though I'm pretty sure you have to love to read if you want to write. a paradox!
What will i do?
I've always wanted to compile a book of journal entries or things i've blogged about. sort of like an ode to P.S. Longer Letter Later except with less plot. However, I'm pretty sure if I sent that to an editor they would be like, "why would I want to read about your problems?" and then I get sad and discouraged and do something else with my life.
Maybe I should write a book about my hardships. The illnesses I've delt with over the years.
Maybe i'l compile journal entries that no one will read. not even me.
Julie and Julia and what to blog about
So after a long day of cleaning, organizing, and exhausting text-fighting/miscommunicating, I crawled into bed with a cup of chocolate peanut butter ice cream and popped in Julie & Julia, the wonderful Meryl Streep-Amy Adams film (not to forget the spot-on Stanley Tucci and Jane Lynch) about how Julia Child came to be the Julia child and how nobody, Julie Powell, came to have a better sense of self. I love this movie. It makes me want to eat. It makes me want to cook. It makes me want to move to France. It makes me want to hug Meryl Streep. She does such a good job in this role. She makes me laugh. Being a Julia myself, I have to say, learning the 'Julia Child impression' is always a good skill to have. Mastering a funny impression or reviewing this film was not the purpose of this post. The purpose was to discuss the purpose of my blog.
The point of a blog is like a daily journal that everyone can read. Sometimes, I want to just rant and scream and whatever about is going on in my life because I am a selfish, pessimistic, slightly depressed person. and if i want to do that, I should be doing it on a blog that one will be reading, right?
However, like anyone else, I do love attention every now and again. So that gets me thinking that my blog should have an angle. People won't want to read my blog if I'm just blabbering about my day (unless they know me, or are really patient people). But when I need to rant, I still need a place to vent- especially with a lack of friends. or friends that i'd feel bad venting to either because a) i don't know them that well or b) because the amount of times i'd need to complain to them about something would surpass any person's real commitment to listening to your problems. So this has brought me to the conclusion that I should start another blog so I can keep this one for ranting and blabbing.
So far, here are my ideas for blogging: reviewing movies past and present. I have considered becoming a film critic so it would be good exposure if I were to pursue it.
Anything wedding related. I happen to be a wedding geek. It's true. I have now TWO binders filled with pages I have ripped out of Brides magazine, ever so delicately. They sleep in clear inserts that keep them from getting gross. Every time my monthly Brides magazine comes in I rip out my favorite photos or articles, then find a place for them in the book. I'm constantly editing. Every so often my eyes land on an old favorite and say "I don't like this picture anymore" so I crumple it up and throw it out- make room for something new. I could blog about what i like about weddings, what i don't. about my binder. about the idea of wedding planning. wedding movies. etc. however, there are so many other wedding blogs out there because of couples who are getting married who make blogs. then again- i could become a resource to other couples or planners or whoever. But who am I to be their resource? I'm only 18. I've never been married. but I've been reading Bride's magazines for four years now, that's more than most brides I bet. This is sounding like a contender. eep!
I could do something like in Julie and Julia. I could work my way through a cook book. But with college not too far away, not having started the shopping, and a week away for a family vacation, a cooking blog doesn't seem to be the right alley for me.
I could talk about theatre? but how much can you really say. I wouldn't be critiquing any shows. I'd probably just end up listing show I had seen or been in or want to see, etc. boring.
[I always loved blogging more than journaling because when you're writing in a journal, your mind moves so much faster than your pen that your hand can't keep up and you can't write in detail as much as you would like to. When blogging, I type pretty quickly, so I don't have any trouble keeping up with my racing mind.]
The point of a blog is like a daily journal that everyone can read. Sometimes, I want to just rant and scream and whatever about is going on in my life because I am a selfish, pessimistic, slightly depressed person. and if i want to do that, I should be doing it on a blog that one will be reading, right?
However, like anyone else, I do love attention every now and again. So that gets me thinking that my blog should have an angle. People won't want to read my blog if I'm just blabbering about my day (unless they know me, or are really patient people). But when I need to rant, I still need a place to vent- especially with a lack of friends. or friends that i'd feel bad venting to either because a) i don't know them that well or b) because the amount of times i'd need to complain to them about something would surpass any person's real commitment to listening to your problems. So this has brought me to the conclusion that I should start another blog so I can keep this one for ranting and blabbing.
So far, here are my ideas for blogging: reviewing movies past and present. I have considered becoming a film critic so it would be good exposure if I were to pursue it.
Anything wedding related. I happen to be a wedding geek. It's true. I have now TWO binders filled with pages I have ripped out of Brides magazine, ever so delicately. They sleep in clear inserts that keep them from getting gross. Every time my monthly Brides magazine comes in I rip out my favorite photos or articles, then find a place for them in the book. I'm constantly editing. Every so often my eyes land on an old favorite and say "I don't like this picture anymore" so I crumple it up and throw it out- make room for something new. I could blog about what i like about weddings, what i don't. about my binder. about the idea of wedding planning. wedding movies. etc. however, there are so many other wedding blogs out there because of couples who are getting married who make blogs. then again- i could become a resource to other couples or planners or whoever. But who am I to be their resource? I'm only 18. I've never been married. but I've been reading Bride's magazines for four years now, that's more than most brides I bet. This is sounding like a contender. eep!
I could do something like in Julie and Julia. I could work my way through a cook book. But with college not too far away, not having started the shopping, and a week away for a family vacation, a cooking blog doesn't seem to be the right alley for me.
I could talk about theatre? but how much can you really say. I wouldn't be critiquing any shows. I'd probably just end up listing show I had seen or been in or want to see, etc. boring.
[I always loved blogging more than journaling because when you're writing in a journal, your mind moves so much faster than your pen that your hand can't keep up and you can't write in detail as much as you would like to. When blogging, I type pretty quickly, so I don't have any trouble keeping up with my racing mind.]
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Wisdom Teeth
getting your wisdom teeth pulled sucks.
everyone is like "you get to eat ice cream all the time and it's wonderful"
not so wonderful.
the surgery itself was a piece of cake.
its the aching pain it leaves you with for several days afterwards.
and i'm lactose intolerant so I can't eat that much ice cream anyway. (well without a pill which is very hard to chew when you've just had teeth removed)
Vicadin is both mean and nice. makes my pain go away but turns my body into jell-o. yes. jell-o.
I'm oh so very tired. :(
everyone is like "you get to eat ice cream all the time and it's wonderful"
not so wonderful.
the surgery itself was a piece of cake.
its the aching pain it leaves you with for several days afterwards.
and i'm lactose intolerant so I can't eat that much ice cream anyway. (well without a pill which is very hard to chew when you've just had teeth removed)
Vicadin is both mean and nice. makes my pain go away but turns my body into jell-o. yes. jell-o.
I'm oh so very tired. :(
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Crappy Poetry Part 5
#32
closed campus
definition
"a student not being able to leave the school for
any purpose during the school day.
not even to venture into the parking lot."
our plans. crushed.
no milkshakes. no frozen yogurt.
no adventure. no thrill.
this steams my broccoli!
you've removed all hope of slight escape!
to feel the warm sunlight on my
pale. icy skin. the florescent lights
reflecting on my weary frame
stripped of its breath and enthusiasm
my head droops as my hand slides away
losing its support beam
i glance to the clock
one hour till my next break
i sigh. and weep internally
...
cyclical unemployment
(fuck this)
#33
Mr. Feldman
I don't know his first name- the teacher never says it
a car salesman- to take the family business
balding.
i can already tell
and i pity him
he's a living stereotype.
#34
He calls the men Mr.
but the women by their first names
but wait!
a slip up!
He called him Dylan.
but never for the women.
I'm never Miss Trevor
sexism?
or an unnoticed habit?
[the line was originally written "i'm never Miss Graham" because my pen name was going to be Charlotte Graham]
#35
I like cows.
lets draw cows
[insert my drawings of cows]
not as cute as the last ones
:( oh well
there goes my cow-drawing talent
#36
i feel bad
because I don't want to be here
i try so very hard not to pay attention
I do on occasion because I need a decent grade
and I waste enough of my time here
that i should actually try
and He tries so hard
to make economics seem interesting
which is an impossible task
oh crap. he called on me. blah!
i answered sorta correctly.
#37
my parents are seeing Book of Mormon
without me
I cried
i'm not allowed to come
I cried
#38
hey let's take a trip
let's drive that red mustang
across the country
going 60 down the highway
let's drive on Route 66
and take pictures of the past
or drive to obscure places
in awkward states
Nebraska, the Dakotas, etcc.
just jump in the car
and hit the gas
and let's runaway together
forget the world and just go
#39
the siren sounds
the ambulance races by
and my heart stops
because it could be you
a mix of nausea and anxiety
take over my body
i can no longer function
paralyzed with fear
my thoughts reeling
the awful possibilities are endless
that's it!! that's all of them!
Crappy Poetry Part 4
#24
I've lost my inspiration
poof!
it's just gone
no more poetry
it's slipped away
i'm sorry to disappoint
#24A
written by Eve Hirschman
in case you were
wondering
the "A"
stands for
an aswer
so
where'd the inspiration go
don't think it ever
leaves
I'm going to do to this poem
what Mark Zuckerberg did
to the Winklevoss twin
because this poem has an
idea
but I now
have a better
one.
#24B
written by Eve Hirschman
an Ode to the winklevi
or
and ode to almost
coming in second
not winning
fail
here's to you
Winklevi
of the world
your best is only
the stepping stone
for the people who are better
than you'll ever be
but your stone is a
necessary step
on the path of success
that everyone takes
except for you that is
Winklevi.
#24C
written by Eve Hirschman
I started to draw a lizard
but then
I remembered
I don't know how
to draw
a lizard
#25
Written by Julia Trevor
She
is a liar
that was a
perfect lizard
His name
is
Gordon
and he's my new
friend
my
only
friend
:(
#26
my throat burns
a searing rod of iron
uncomfortably forced
upon my livelihood
my voice
the most important thing
for a vocalist
such as myself
and cough drops are tempting
but only give temporary relief
which sucks (pun!)
because my talent must
be restored
and soon
please?
#27
i am not
by any means
an artist but I shall
attempt
to draw
a cow
[insert drawing of my cow here]
she's kinda fat
:/ oh well
it reflects current American culture
I did that on purpose
#28
migration
from the back of the room
to the front
right in eye sight line
of my biggest enemy
i miss the back of the room
i miss the wall i'd lay my bag against
and the intelligent people i had the privilege of sitting next to
yes. she's here. unfortunately.
writing has become a risk.
one i'm not sure if i'm willing to take.
#29
a pure smile
bursting with life and enthusiasm
a waterfall of sunshine overflowing
buckets and buckets
and buckets full
but they cannot contain
the feeling
the love, the laughter
confined withing the essence of just one smile
#30
somehow
I manage to always look
up at the clock
at 9:11
and I feel that uncomfortable uneasiness
why now?
why not in a minute? or a minute ago?
It's awkward.
ehrgh.
#31
thirty one
thirty-one
three one
THIRTY ONE!
thirty 1
3 one
three 1
31
!
Crappy Poetry Part 3
#16
Hungry
like a hippo
seven more minutes
til my break from
Econ
but oh wait
snap!
i don't have food.
shoot.
empty unhappy stomach
I dislike this.
#17
raindrops
rainboots.
puddles.
splashing.
a bother to some
a wonder to others
down pour. deluge.
hazard. happiness.
an escape.
a peaceful world.
that no one will be apart of
except me.
#18
let's switch it up.
i'll write in pencil
for some reason
pen seems harsh at the moment
Danko's close
I must work stealthily
I must not get caught
because price indexes
aren't exactly keeping my attention
especially because
I have an awful teacher
who relies on books and paper
instead of teaching methods
which is why he's a summer school teacher
Hah! enjoy your malt-o-meal cereal
bleh bleh bleh
An Ode to Robert Zemeckis
(#19)
I.want.a.delorean
I have Always. wanted a delorean
as impractical as it would be
which makes it impossible
to park next to people
because you'd never be able to open the door
which is really inconvenient
but ridiculously awesome nonetheless
I still want a delorean
to ride like a McFly
in utmost style
and go to the future
(or the past)
and yes I know
a delorean doesn't mean time machine
but still hell-ah awesome!
save the clock tower!
and I promise
cross my heart
that I'll never say "hell-ah" again
that was just sad...
but back to my point
thank you, Robert Zemeckis
for creating on heck of a movie
you've altered many lives
real and ficticious
An Ode to Low Standard
(#20)
written by Eve Hirschman
there is
no
such
thing
An Ode to the Stupid People
(#20B)
written by Julia Trevor
your low standards
are appalling
and amusing
god put you on this earth
just to make me laugh
so thank you "god"
for giving me a moment of joy
through someone else's bad taste
and overall stupidity
and I know this sounds cruel
because it is
and I'm sorry to offend
(but not really)
#21
why should we worry?
I care for you
and you reciprocate
and I love the time we spend
I regret nothing
neither do you
and yet a burden
you put upon yourself
why does it matter?
It's about us and only us
your reasoning is shallow
they'll think less of me
no matter when
it's impossible to time it right
why do they matter
why are you so worked up by this
but i'll humor you
and wait some more
until this ends
and simplifies
#22
little glass jars
to hold your money
to keep it safe
from the bank
....
enjoy the Ponzi scam
and the risk you've put yourself in
again. stupid.
#22B
little jars
hundreds lined up
of little glass jars
something so fragile
protecting something so vital
innocence
love
essence
emotions
all so easily shattered
and exposed
to all
#23
Whap!
a paper baton struck down upon her
deservingly
amusingly
it is she- the fool
the obnoxious beast
the epitome of unintelligence
the stereotypical American teenage girl
and yet that doesn't represent me.
this. sadly. is what my generation has come to.
Crappy Poetry Part 2
#6
Crappy Poetry
a way to waste my time
here
five hours a day
of Economics
in the summer
the room is cold
and I'm asleep
practically
and I don't remember enough song lyrics
to mindlessly jot them down
to save my mind a minute of boredom
so I shall create
create crap
but I'm still creating
and it don't amount to much
just a waste of time
thank god
#7
she got sick
never gets better
burden.
disappointment
time. stopped.
#8
my life consists of facebook statuses
an update of anything I deem important
open to the entire world
if I have no secrets
nothing can be held against me
makes life easier
#9
we are not a family
we're boarders
in one house
tolerable
kind
but separate
Jimmy should move ou
Emma should move on
If I had the money
I would own my own apartment
where I could live
where Emma and I could live
separate from those adults we call
"parental units"
who are mere stand-ins for what they should be
I'm mature for my age.
let me own an apartment.
let me move out.
or go to college already.
#10
I'm changing the format of this poem solely for the reason that it seems like I'm taking notes as opposed to writing more of my crappy poetry. Eve says there is (almost) no such thing as bad poetry. I disagree. It's really just word vomit. like a journal entry filled with emotions without the screaming and yelling. This writing might be even worse than just talking about it. I'm feeling the pressure. It feels bottled up.
#11
I finished my test
rather early in fact
and I'm a little worried
because this isn't
my favorite class
nor am I good at it
and yet another packet was
handed to me
at least fifteen pages long
and there goes the rain forest
and the ink
and the electricity for the printer
what a waste.
tsk tsk tsk
#12
ow!
hand cramp.
#13
am i really worth it
is this really different
are we just hoping that things will
work in our favor?
who are we kidding
this is merely practical
and these feelings are temporary
like a pokemon tattoo
maybe it's just me
i don't do well with commitment
which is sad
because that's what I long for
I get scared
and I run
run far away
inside myself
but I come back
often
because I miss this
you?
the situation?
a need to feel wanted?
who knows
two weeks and I'll know
and I wait.
#14
53 years.
married.
for 53 years
that just doesn't happen anymore
marraige doesn't mean what it used to
divorce rates are up
and yet
there are more weddings
why can't it last a lifetime?
will it ever?
why can't we be faithful?
what has this world come to?
If i know I won't marry you,
doe this make it all a lie?
no.
because love can grow
and flourish
and if it doesn't
it was good while it lasted.
#15
I try to understand you
but I fail to understand your reasoning
you've limited your options
to you beliefs
while I respect your beliefs
I don't want you to miss out
he loves you
her cares about you
and you think it would be a lie
because he's not of your religion
are you serious?
take a leap of faith!
let yourself be happy
"god" won't say otherwise
i might have to disown you
and i'm sorry
i will never understand
i wish i could
but
you're just making this difficult for yourself
and it's difficult already
why add more obstacles?
Crappy Poetry I Wrote During Economics Last Summer
#1
There is something so refreshing
about a clean white sheet
of paper
filled with promise and potential
great thoughts could be found here
or a few crude doodles
upon this lined prison
blues and red
a trap for ideas and thoughts
and dreams and ambitions stopped.
short.
finite in what it has to offer
letters
syllables
words
put together to create
the largest schemes
or the most miniscule of objects
and eyelash, a wish
cost out into the world
with a faith
in the ever-sweeping tide
#2
Regret
Confusion
Hesitation
You feel me
I feel air
desire for a dream
for an idea
for love, for intimacy
not for you
wait
time
the click of the clock
can't measure the feeling
the loss
the white blossome
crushed by a metal rod
killing it instantly
wow, these suck a lot more than I remember. eesh.... Oh well. I will continue to post them anyway. why the hell not?
#2B
the want to want
to want something
you can't have
attracted to 'no'
#3
I close my eyes
I drift to sleep
and you haunt me
I try to love him
but I can't
you're there
controlling my brain
he's a good person
and he makes me smile
but it's all a lie
it was all a lie
you're a liar
you made me a liar
you gutted me
and put out your cigar
on my innocence
#4
it's kind of a funny feeling
emptiness and anxiety
living in the moment
analyzing the possibilities
over analyzing really
worried by what could be
what ought to be
as opposed to what is
i'm balancing myself
unsuccessfully
between the longing for my lost piece of self
and a new opportunity
is appreciation possible without
that piece of me
can i have real feelings?
can i care for someone else
do i have the time
the energy
the heart
when my own is still healing
still affected. and he doesn't even know
crushed. broken. shattered.
#5
sometimes you just need to be sad
might be unhealthy
to feel this way on a semi
regular basis.
i feel sad. depressed. disappointed.
and my itunes playlist gets put to use.
they suggest upbeat music
to raise my spirits.
denied.
forced happiness when i'm upset
makes my fire burn
i become unnecessarily angry
the rain has lost its usual luster
like a million tears from those
who've died. or who were in pain.
i empathize with their sorrow.
as I curl up in a room of faded light
a drift away from it all
the sad melodies comforting me
in my time of need
i need someone to hold me
and protect me
to fend off the demons that haunt my soul
My Body Hates Me
Everyday since summer has started, probably even before then, probably after I started (and then finished) working on the weekends- I'll wake up at an ungodly hour. On good days it's nine. On days like today and yesterday it's been like 7:30.
like are you kidding me body?? waking me up at 7:30am?? school is over! leave me alone!!
and the worst part is once I'm awake there is no turning back. My body won't let me fall back asleep. The nazi.
so everyday I try to stay up later and later so I'll wake up at a normal time. No dice. 7:30 I wake up sweating in a panic because of a combination of a fleece blanket and a weird dream. I could remember the dream if I didn't have to be woken up AT SEVEN THIRTY IN THE MORNING!! GAH!!
*frustrated sigh*
-.-
like are you kidding me body?? waking me up at 7:30am?? school is over! leave me alone!!
and the worst part is once I'm awake there is no turning back. My body won't let me fall back asleep. The nazi.
so everyday I try to stay up later and later so I'll wake up at a normal time. No dice. 7:30 I wake up sweating in a panic because of a combination of a fleece blanket and a weird dream. I could remember the dream if I didn't have to be woken up AT SEVEN THIRTY IN THE MORNING!! GAH!!
*frustrated sigh*
-.-
Friday, June 8, 2012
Relationships suck
I can't keep relationships. any kind of relationship.
I've never had a best friend longer than 3 years. the only exception would be a "friend" i've had for 6 years but we really haven't been close the last 3 years. I don't have a best friend currently. I graduated without a best friend. without a person I absolutely needed to take pictures with (other than my boyfriend but that's different).
I can't keep regular friends either. I'd like to say I have a lot of good acquaintances or school friends but not many I'm close with. Not many I can talk to. when I tell people about my stress or about how i was really upset they all say, "you know you can come talk to me whenever you need to right?" and I say of course I do but I don't really mean it, except for maybe one person. I don't know them well enough to really bare my soul and say everything that's on my mind, even if i pretend like I do. (I don't keep secrets so it seems like I could bare my soul to anyone but that's not the case. I can tell people my surface problems but it takes someone I know really well to be able to get down to the deep stuff.) (And if I really did always tell them the problems I'm having they'd just be annoyed with me. I'd go to them every day to complain about this or talk to them about how my family is terrible or living with people who have illnesses is impossible. and they'll say "i'm sorry". but what can they do? they'll never understand what it feels like. they can't empathize. and after a while of me baring my soul- for about a week lets say, they get sick of me and stop answering my phone calls. so what is the point in even trying.)
when I'm upset- i'm just upset. It's internal. I need to talk to people to get it out. I need to rant for like two hours if i have to. I have so much anger and sadness and disappointment and everything negative bottled up inside me and I need to get it out. but if I'm not talking about it it will stay bottled forever or until I have a complete mental breakdown. and because i'm so negative and pessimistic and my family life along with a lot of other crap over the last 5 years has really ruined me as a developing person. I've become very dark and sad and lonely. i thrive on bad things. i love when people give me empathy and i feel the need to pity myself whenever possible. I'm a combination of selfish, lonely, and stubborn which makes it impossible to make friends. I'm always thinking, "if they're really my friend then why aren't they talking to me? why aren't they texting me? inviting me places?" I rely on them to make all the effort in a relationship which shouldn't be happening. It should be 50-50. I think my skewed idea of this came from a really doting best friend who did everything and the fact that all my friendships before that ended with my friends leaving me because I was lame or whatever, they didn't like me anymore. and so I couldn't trust any of my friends. not entirely. i didn't keep secrets so everyone was immediately on the same playing field. which seems like a way to get closer to people when really it's an excuse to keep people at a distance.
I'm really worried that once I get to college everything I went through in high school will repeat. I'll be an introvert hiding in my dorm room and I won't make any close friends except the ones I already have that are going to college. my boyfriend says i shouldn't be so pessimistic, and he's right. it's a self-fulfilling prophecy but i'm worried too. I'm not very outgoing and i hate people that drink and do drugs and that'll keep me from making friends. If i meet people who are drinking I automatically hate them and walk away. which means i'll have like 3 friends in college. ...great. hopefully my roommate and i will become friends so i won't be so lonely. *sigh* I don't know what to do anymore.
I've never had a best friend longer than 3 years. the only exception would be a "friend" i've had for 6 years but we really haven't been close the last 3 years. I don't have a best friend currently. I graduated without a best friend. without a person I absolutely needed to take pictures with (other than my boyfriend but that's different).
I can't keep regular friends either. I'd like to say I have a lot of good acquaintances or school friends but not many I'm close with. Not many I can talk to. when I tell people about my stress or about how i was really upset they all say, "you know you can come talk to me whenever you need to right?" and I say of course I do but I don't really mean it, except for maybe one person. I don't know them well enough to really bare my soul and say everything that's on my mind, even if i pretend like I do. (I don't keep secrets so it seems like I could bare my soul to anyone but that's not the case. I can tell people my surface problems but it takes someone I know really well to be able to get down to the deep stuff.) (And if I really did always tell them the problems I'm having they'd just be annoyed with me. I'd go to them every day to complain about this or talk to them about how my family is terrible or living with people who have illnesses is impossible. and they'll say "i'm sorry". but what can they do? they'll never understand what it feels like. they can't empathize. and after a while of me baring my soul- for about a week lets say, they get sick of me and stop answering my phone calls. so what is the point in even trying.)
when I'm upset- i'm just upset. It's internal. I need to talk to people to get it out. I need to rant for like two hours if i have to. I have so much anger and sadness and disappointment and everything negative bottled up inside me and I need to get it out. but if I'm not talking about it it will stay bottled forever or until I have a complete mental breakdown. and because i'm so negative and pessimistic and my family life along with a lot of other crap over the last 5 years has really ruined me as a developing person. I've become very dark and sad and lonely. i thrive on bad things. i love when people give me empathy and i feel the need to pity myself whenever possible. I'm a combination of selfish, lonely, and stubborn which makes it impossible to make friends. I'm always thinking, "if they're really my friend then why aren't they talking to me? why aren't they texting me? inviting me places?" I rely on them to make all the effort in a relationship which shouldn't be happening. It should be 50-50. I think my skewed idea of this came from a really doting best friend who did everything and the fact that all my friendships before that ended with my friends leaving me because I was lame or whatever, they didn't like me anymore. and so I couldn't trust any of my friends. not entirely. i didn't keep secrets so everyone was immediately on the same playing field. which seems like a way to get closer to people when really it's an excuse to keep people at a distance.
I'm really worried that once I get to college everything I went through in high school will repeat. I'll be an introvert hiding in my dorm room and I won't make any close friends except the ones I already have that are going to college. my boyfriend says i shouldn't be so pessimistic, and he's right. it's a self-fulfilling prophecy but i'm worried too. I'm not very outgoing and i hate people that drink and do drugs and that'll keep me from making friends. If i meet people who are drinking I automatically hate them and walk away. which means i'll have like 3 friends in college. ...great. hopefully my roommate and i will become friends so i won't be so lonely. *sigh* I don't know what to do anymore.
The Library makes me feel guilty
So I've only done this twice now, but every summer I go to the Library and grab 20+ soundtrack CDs of musical theatre shows that I really should listen to. I bring them all home and immediately put them onto my computer because I love music so much, especially new music. and of course there are soundtracks that I downloaded a year ago that I still haven't listened to. I feel really bad. They just sit in my itunes for a long time waiting for me to listen to them. I know I'm making my music sounds like the toys in Toy Story, waiting to be played with, but that is what I feel they are like.
I'm taking a sick day today and I felt bad for not listening to all my musical theatre music so I'm currently listening to Anything Goes: the revival with Sutton Foster.
Other albums I still haven't listened to
The Artist
Beauty and the Beast: Broadway Musical
The Color Purple: Broadway Cast
Damn Yankees
Despicable Me
Devil Wears Prada
Fame
Finding Neverland
Flower Drum Song
Forrest Gump
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum
Get Smart
Gypsy
Hair
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Hello, Dolly!
The Help
How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying
Kiss of the Spider Woman
A Little Night Music
Miss Saigon
Next to Normal
FELA!
Pal Joey
Spring Awakening
Tarzan Broadway Musical
[Title of Show]
True Grit
West Side Story New Cast Recording
Yea I feel really bad...
Facebook statuses that should've been private
(about graduation)
"I feel so weird. It's over and i feel almost nothing.i'm sad but i'm not. and there are so many things i regret not doing. but in the end the days came and they passed and i'm right here and right now. now to go on living my life and follow wherever it leads me."
I have no closure with high school. none at all. I feel like i'm in the abyss.
"I need to come to terms with myself and finally admit that I have spring time allergies. Every morning I'm sneezing for 20 minutes straight.
So much for being allergy free :/"
it's statuses like the one above that make me feel super annoying. This is what's going through my head- I'm bored. what am I complaining about now? New status awaits me!
Other people comment on it and talk about their own allergy woes or feel sorry for me, but what's the point of that. I thrive on sympathy already, I shouldn't take in any more of it.
"so I need to get the shoulders of a dress altered and I keep looking up prices online and i'm not liking what i'm finding. ><"
yet another instance of information that really could've stayed in my head. my virtual friend population really didn't need to know about this, but I think i do things like this for a few reasons. One- what i listed earlier. Two- i don't have very many friends to talk to. I have quite a few friends, but if i texted them at random times of the day and said "ugh oh my gosh I'm stressing out over getting this dress fitted" they would be very irritated with me- hence I'd have less friends. So I guess if i post it on facebook, people can comment as they wish without me being annoying to all my close friends..... not that i have many close friends.
I got it altered it was only $12. :)
"so i've lost my anatomy text book. i'm almost positive i left it at school. one of three things could happen
1) i find it in the lost and found. yay.
2) someone found it and returned it to textbook drop off anyway.
3) no one found it/it sitting in a pile in the science deparment never to be scanned. then i owe $90 and can't get my diploma.
crap. D:"
another instance of me babbling. This is because I love to talk and I get stressed out very easily and have no close friends to pour all my stress on and so it has to come out some how so i don't explode from being so stressed out.
and someone returned the book to drop off. i got my diploma! woot!
[i wonder if i could do something like this and publish it? facebook statuses paired with witty commentary... maybe]
"My last day of high school is officially over.
I'm sad to go and yet so ready to be rid of that awful place.
I'm a freshman once again. Funny... I've always felt like a freshman. I'm just resuming the norm."
this goes along with the graduation post. Notice they're going in chronological order backwards.
I'm excited and scared for college. I'm so ready to be out of the house and rid of my family but I'm not ready to be away from my loving boyfriend and underclassmen high school friends.
"Elope with me, Miss Private, and we’ll sail around the world
I will be your Ferdinand and you my wayward girl
How many nights of talking in hotel rooms can you take?
How many nights of limping around on pagan holidays?
Oh, elope with me in private and we’ll set something ablaze
A trail for the devil to erase"
Piazza, New York Catcher by Belle and Sebastian
"I feel so weird. It's over and i feel almost nothing.i'm sad but i'm not. and there are so many things i regret not doing. but in the end the days came and they passed and i'm right here and right now. now to go on living my life and follow wherever it leads me."
I have no closure with high school. none at all. I feel like i'm in the abyss.
So much for being allergy free :/"
it's statuses like the one above that make me feel super annoying. This is what's going through my head- I'm bored. what am I complaining about now? New status awaits me!
Other people comment on it and talk about their own allergy woes or feel sorry for me, but what's the point of that. I thrive on sympathy already, I shouldn't take in any more of it.
yet another instance of information that really could've stayed in my head. my virtual friend population really didn't need to know about this, but I think i do things like this for a few reasons. One- what i listed earlier. Two- i don't have very many friends to talk to. I have quite a few friends, but if i texted them at random times of the day and said "ugh oh my gosh I'm stressing out over getting this dress fitted" they would be very irritated with me- hence I'd have less friends. So I guess if i post it on facebook, people can comment as they wish without me being annoying to all my close friends..... not that i have many close friends.
I got it altered it was only $12. :)
1) i find it in the lost and found. yay.
2) someone found it and returned it to textbook drop off anyway.
3) no one found it/it sitting in a pile in the science deparment never to be scanned. then i owe $90 and can't get my diploma.
crap. D:"
another instance of me babbling. This is because I love to talk and I get stressed out very easily and have no close friends to pour all my stress on and so it has to come out some how so i don't explode from being so stressed out.
and someone returned the book to drop off. i got my diploma! woot!
[i wonder if i could do something like this and publish it? facebook statuses paired with witty commentary... maybe]
"My last day of high school is officially over.
I'm sad to go and yet so ready to be rid of that awful place.
I'm a freshman once again. Funny... I've always felt like a freshman. I'm just resuming the norm."
this goes along with the graduation post. Notice they're going in chronological order backwards.
I'm excited and scared for college. I'm so ready to be out of the house and rid of my family but I'm not ready to be away from my loving boyfriend and underclassmen high school friends.
I will be your Ferdinand and you my wayward girl
How many nights of talking in hotel rooms can you take?
How many nights of limping around on pagan holidays?
Oh, elope with me in private and we’ll set something ablaze
A trail for the devil to erase"
Piazza, New York Catcher by Belle and Sebastian
from the Juno Soundtrack
I often post song lyrics for one of two reasons. The first reason being that the words have to do with how I'm currently feeling about myself, my situation, or people in my life. The second reason is that it is simply a very good song and I have it stuck in my head. :)
I posted this song because I spent a very good day with my boyfriend and the first line "elope with me, Miss Private, and we'll sail around the world" really struck a chord with me. (or is it struck a cord? I'm a music geek so I like the first one better :P )
okay you get the point of facebook statuses.
yea i'm pretty much done with this one.
yea i'm pretty much done with this one.
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